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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to "compromise" DH's medical care for less stress on me.

202 replies

kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 21:47

Dh has quite profound MH issues and this has meant that I am bascially a single parent to our 4 dcs, run our business ( as best I can), sort out all DH's medical appointments / benefits and do EVERYTHING at home ( except hoovering / unloading dishwasher, DH does that but that is ALL he does)

Now he needs to see a therapist 3 times a week and the one that has been reccomended is 6 miles away.

the times the therapist has free do not fit in with the local bus times.

Soooooo Dh would have to have our van ( our only vehicle) 3 times a week.

I just feel that its one more thing that I have to organise ( and it will be me) DH seems to think that we can "borrow" a car from my relatives yep right , 3 days a week for at least 6 months.

ALso when I am working I HAVE to have the van to transport all our kit.

There is another therapist within walking distance who can also offer the same service and though not the first choice of DH's phsycaiatrist would be " a safe pair of hands"

I feel that if DH is the one who has to get himself to the appointments then he will "own" his treatment ?? IYSWIM

I just feel that I would be tied for 3 days a week without transport in the afternoons and afterall its me who does all the runnign round sorting out meetings , shopping , collecting kids etc

Part of me thinks wellthere might be an even better therapist 25 miles away and an even better one 40 miles away but how far , in terms of cost / inconvenience, do we as a family go to accomodate DH's medical care.

I sound like a heatless b*h but I have given up soooo much to his illness I feel like I am now having to give up what little "freedom" I have ( e.g. able to go and see friends when I needed to let off steam etc)

What would you do ???

OP posts:

slartybartfast · 04/12/2011 22:46

go for the local therapy. it will be easier on you. unless your il's can drive him there it sounds far too stressful.

FabbyChic · 04/12/2011 22:46

Oh and more people die from depression than cancer, the suicide rate is very high for those who suffer. You just don't read about it.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 04/12/2011 22:47

Boys - he hasn't chosen this one, he's not able to choose. It's just the one further away has more experience so has been recommended over the other one.

ScarlettIsWalking · 04/12/2011 22:47

You poor woman. I don't know how you are functioning.

You matter very much in this equasion too. Go with what works for the family and makes things easier. You are not God you can't work miracles!

Some of the posts on here are disgraceful. Gary Speed ffs... How horrible and bizarre to mention that with regards to the op situation.

squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 22:48

But he can only go to that one if I take hime there and sit for 50 minutes in the van , so three afternoons a weeks written off and I dont have enough hours int he day as it is.

Taxi?

Retired friend who wouldnt mind doing it for petrol money?

The relative who is funding it?

There must be other options too that are available.

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2011 22:48

Where are those stats from fabby?? Link please

CailinDana · 04/12/2011 22:48

I don't get why I'm not "allowed" to mention suicide? Does it put a curse on people or something? I'm aware that not all mental illness leads to suicide but the sector of society most prone to suicide is the mentally ill so it is a relevant point.

Basically the OP is aware of what the best treatment is for her ill husband but she doesn't want the extra trouble of accommodating it. She is looking for reassurance that this an ok thing to do and I don't think it ok - I think if your partner is unwell, you do your best to look after them, even if it does take a huge effort. If you're unwilling to look after them, then you have to question your feelings for them.

fit2drop · 04/12/2011 22:49

cailin
I ceratinly take MH issues seriously
I also would not and do not patronise anyone with MH issues by allowing them to think that they are no longer responsible for their choices and lifestyles. Of course they are.Allowing someone the curtesy of aknowledging they have Mh problems and then supporting them to remain an active and useful memeber of society is not in my opinion not caring , exactly the opposite. Its because I care .

squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 22:50

Oh and more people die from depression than cancer, the suicide rate is very high for those who suffer. You just don't read about it

I cant really see that Fabby.

True, most people who commit suicide will be depressed, but that does not equate to most people who are depressed will commit suicide..

AmanitaMuscaria · 04/12/2011 22:50

Kitty I well remember your previous threads - I offered (vicarious) help as I have a close relative in your area.

From then to now you sound incredibly stressed and quite resentful of your DH's needs - understandably as this is obviously having a huge negative impact on you and your DC. I can empathise with your frustration at having to sideline your and your family's needs to get your DH to therapy, but I do think that if you DON'T do that, how are things going to improve in the long term? I have experience of MH therapy, and the therapist really does make all the difference - you/he'll only know that once you've met with the therapist and know whether they 'click' with your DH, though. It sounds to me like you could really do with an impartial, listening ear yourself, as what you're having to deal with is intensely difficult and frustrating. Would your GP be any help?

Your DH needs to take some responsibility for himself too; as others have suggested, this might be arranging to get himself to the appointments, and you arrange to get him home. How much do you feel you can involve him in this?

The offer still stands to ask my relative who lives near you for some practical help. PM me if so.

slavetofilofax · 04/12/2011 22:51

Why are you asking if YABU when you clearly don't want to see any viewpoint other than your own?

I would do what you can to arrange for him to drive himself to the psychciatrist that he would prefer, and that his doctor obviosuly thinks would be most beneficial. You must have some flexibility when it comes to the use of the van for business. You are talking f wanting to be able to go and see friends - why can't you just arrange to do that on the days he doesn't have apponitments.

It sounds like you just don't want to give up the van for an hour and a half three times a week. Which does come across as selfish. You are saying that you all have needs, and of course you and your dc have needs that should be met. But surely you don't have needs as strong as your dh's at those particular times. And your dc need a healthy Dad as much as they need anything else.

fit2drop · 04/12/2011 22:51

cailin WHERE has op said she does not want to care for him
People with MH certainly to not need nor want Mollicoddlin ,there there, its ok , poor you attitudes. WTF!!

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 04/12/2011 22:51

Cailin - Kitty has made similar sacrifices to your DH and more and on top of that she has children to look after and their business to run so that all of them can have a roof over their heads & food on the table - not to mention so that her DH feels the business is still there when he's well. Surely you can see that she has a lot more on her plate already than your DH had?

ISayHolmes · 04/12/2011 22:52

Bloody hell. Reread this part of the OP "I am bascially a single parent to our 4 dcs, run our business ( as best I can), sort out all DH's medical appointments / benefits and do EVERYTHING at home ( except hoovering / unloading dishwasher, DH does that but that is ALL he does)".

She is doing so bloody much already and now the prospect of losing afternoons of work, the work that keeps their family afloat, is too much. What she's doing IS huge effort, it's more than most people could manage and still function. Lay off her for pities sake, it's not like she's demanding her husband see no one at all or less days a week.

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 22:52

You do the best for them even to the detriment of your 4 children and financial security? Rather than go with a qualified and competent safe pair of hands? No. I have had MH issues post partum and I would never have wanted DH to sacrifice his job or do less by our children to accomodate me. That is really not on. One person is not more important than 3, 4 or 5. The local practitioner is qualified and a safe pair of hands. Nothing wrong with that.

Inertia · 04/12/2011 22:54

To be fair, I think the OP is doing her best- she's organised all his medical treatment, she's caring for their family, she's running their business. I think if she was unwilling to look after him, she'd have given up on him long ago. It seems that she's just looking for a solution that's actually workable- the OP has to keep life and the business running for her H and her family too. She's not superhuman.

FabbyChic · 04/12/2011 22:54

I can look for the stats but can't be arsed I read it on a website.

Your husbands depression can be controlled with the use of medication, I was really ill not leaving the house for three years, could not work, I changed my medication and it turned my life around, unlike your husband I had no support.

I now work 40 hours a week and am better than I have been for 7 years.

Have you tried the changed of medication?

JinglePosyPerkin · 04/12/2011 22:55

Some posters seem to be thinking that OP doesn't want her DH to have decent treatment. As I see it (and please correct me if I'm wrong) she just wants him to use the psychiatrist/therapist within walking distance rather than the one she will have to drive him to three times a week.

OP is running a business here so this is her work time we are talking about - would peoples' attitudes be different if OP was having to take three afternoons a week off from employment to drive DH to his appointments?

You already have a lot on your plate OP, I'm run off my feet with 3 children & a (very small) business so don't know how you are managing with all of this .

InfiniteFairylights · 04/12/2011 22:56

I totally agree with timidviper, you have a lot of people relying on you, so you have to give yourself a chance.
Also, whoever said about us being likely to have another nasty winter- I think he should go to the nearer one, at least for this winter.
You know him well enough to gauge if he is happy with the psychiatrist that he is seeing.
You cannot put his needs above yours and the rest of the family's needs, it would be to the detriment of your own mental health.
I hope the sessions help- good luck.

fivegomadindorset · 04/12/2011 22:56

Jingle there are groups out there who do volunteer driving, which has been suggested.

Original poster

kitty4paws · 04/12/2011 22:57

My husband did absolutely everything he could for me, and were the situation reversed I would do the same.

Really , are you sure, No one knows how they will react, non one. And when the caring goes on for years with no guarantee of an end to it it is hard, very hard, thats whay most carers suffer from depression.

I will say it again , walk a mile in my shoes,

My parents however only did what was convenient and once they'd had enough they gave up.

I do no know what your story is but maybe they had their limit, maybe they did all they could,

I am not giving up on Dh , not making his treatment an inconvenience, I am suggesting a "safe pair of hands" for him , and for him to "own" his recovery. Iam not his therapist , I am his wife and I will SUPPORT him as much as I can , but we all have our limts , all of us.

I bet loads of people on here thought the'd never let their DC do X,Yor Z than thay actually HAD Dcs and saw what it was really like, and we all have our limits.

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 22:57

When I went to the doc (finally) I was prescribed ADs and the doc said "you're in good company, 1/4 of the population are on these".

So any stats should be seen in that light. The suicide rate isn't that high.

CailinDana · 04/12/2011 22:58

Fit2drop, I'm not saying the OP should mollicoddle her DH, I'm saying she should help him to access the best care available. She has said herself that other options such as getting the bus or a taxi are out of the question.

I am totally aware that she has a hell of a lot on her plate. I have sympathy for her on that score, definitely. But I think if she came on with the same circumstances and said her DH had MS or lupus she would be ripped to shreds with people saying "FFS he's ill! He's your DH! Get him the best care possible!" But because he has mental illness there's an undertone that he's "needy" that he has to be "independent" - as if mental illness is just a euphemism for "attention seeking." The OP's husband has very serious illness - it's totally shit but normal for her life to be turned upside down by that. If she's unwilling to help him then she has to take serious look at the relationship.

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 22:58

Safe pair of hands.

YANBU

JinglePosyPerkin · 04/12/2011 22:59

Ah, see I have x-posted with a few people there! .

Also, has anyone suggested Voluntary Transport? Your GP's surgery will be able to give you the phone number. They take people to medical appointments at hospitals so why not a psychiatrist?

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