To ask what you think about young Christian marriages?

[Ihavewelliesbutitssunny]

So over the last few years I've known a lot of young Christian couples who've got married at about 21-23 years old. The classic situation is Christian boy and girl meet at the CU at uni and then get married when they graduate. Obviously part of this is the belief that couples shouldn't have sex before they are married but I think another factor is that they have prayed through and considered their decision to get married and trust that if it is the right decision they should just go ahead and get married. There seems often to be a critical and confused response to this idea of getting married from non-Christians so I was interested to see the mumsnet response. I suspose the idea of waiting for sex and getting married young is something that a lot of couples did in the past and many of us have grandparents or perhaps parents who married young and have had very long (and in most cases) marriages.

yes you are right Rational but it is so easy to stumble on on the net and it can cause problems for people. remember the actor in Kiss me Kate, Chris Langham and what about the sick people using children. It is very tempting for people to look at as it is so easy to find.

I think it is mostly degrading and a bit rotten when some of our famous actors get rumbled for starring in a porn movie when they are starting out (being silly)

Sorry, haven't read all of thread.

You should get married when you know you recognise that you're with someone you can spend your life with and that can be at any age. It can be a lot to do with luck as to when that is. There isn't a magic age. The only problem is that our biological clocks have led to society imposing a timetable of expectations on us.

Some people WILL get lucky & marry young. I'm one of those. I'm not religious. I had a long distance relationship with a boy from 'home' through uni & married him at the end. I've been married 14 years.

I get frustrated with those who seem to pity me & imply I must have 'missed out' in my 20s. I would have missed out if I'd walked away from my soul mate because current thinking is that it's not wise to settle down young! Anyway, I enjoyed my 20s with DH. We had a great time.

At 30 we decided the time was right to 'settle down' and become parents. Then we had nosy people making assumptions that we'd had problems and used IVF because we'd been married 7 years without having kids. WTF?!

If you believe the Daily Mail so many women my age have had shitty relationships then 'settled' when the clocked ticked and ended up divorced single parents. That's crap luck. Could have been my luck, my story, though, if I'd gone to a different pub that night all those years ago... Pure chance I met DH.

We have 1 life. I'll live my life the way that makes me happy & try not to worry about anyone else's expectations. Luckily DH & I are still happy & sing from the same hymn sheet (except we don't because we're not religious, but you get my drift...)

Absolutely - I often wonder what I missed out on - a few more lovers? ( they're all the same in the dark ) the excitement of a sexually transmitted disease perhaps? - 2 or 3 one night stands where I didn't even know their name? - that seems to be about it. I'm gutted.

Sorry, not really answered OP's question. Just had a rant because I'm fed up with people being judgy.

Lots of people have made the mistake of assuming I must be religious because I got married young. It's assuming something must be true or must happen or must be a consequence that is the problem for me.

Cliche coming up: assume - makes an ass out of u and me.

amelci

When I refer to porn I'd like to think you know I'm excluding child porn. I is of course abhorrent. People need to realise porn won't go away, legislating against it will only force it completely underground which will only cause more exploitation of the people involved. Regulating porn is in the best interests of those involved and will go some way to protecting them, it may also go some way to removing the stigma for those who choose to do it.

rycooler

I think you're being a bit judgmental there. I was married at 20 and was divirced at 24, I then didn't find anyone I wanted to share my life with until I was 36. In that time I had a few sexual partners, I knew all of their names, I never got an STD or an unwanted pregnancy and I had quite a lot of great sex, no, they're not all the same in the dark, I can assure you!

Rycooler - You can have the sex with the lights on, you know!

Never had an STI or shagged someone I didn't know. There are more than just those two paths!

If they love one another and feel secure in the decision, then why shouldn't they?

I am not particularly religious, not a church goer, don't pray. etc. Dh definitely isn't. But we have been together since we were both 16y, in a committed relationship. Okay we didn't marry quickly - we were 25y when we married, having got engaged shortly after leaving university. And we did live together and we don't believe in the whole "no sex before marriage" or anything. But we have now been together for nearly 22y, married for 13y and still happily together.

Young relationships don't have to be negative, nor are they a thing of previous generations only or just for the religious.

You should get married when you know you recognise that you're with someone you can spend your life with and that can be at any age. It can be a lot to do with luck as to when that is.

Dreamer I completely agree with this. However I also think that people cannot properly judge whether they are with someone they can spend the rest of their life with, until they have lived with each other for a while. That's my main issue with Christian marriages - it's not the age, it's the lack of living together first. (I also think it's important to find out if you are sexually compatible before committing to marriage).

I knew a priest years ago who said he had advised many couples who went to pre-marriage courses with him to forget about getting married and to just go ahead and have sex. He honestly thought they only wanted to get married to make having sex ok, that they stood no chance of making a marriage work, and that they should just get over the sex part, grow up and move on.

I do know Rational but do you not think it all ties in to some extent and the people who make it do not care who gets hurt or exploited. I know it will never go away but if no one wanted to view it then the demand may die down. You could have a point about the regulation.

Do women want to watch porn? I am afraid i don't but maybe I am in the minority.

Living with someone new is a big adjustment and if you've already committed to marriage then there is that additional incentive to quickly find the happy middle ground on the things that drive each other nuts - maybe helps in that you sort things out earlier?

But that's only the domestics. I was marrying someone I'd already been sleeping with for 4 years. I can see your point about sexual compatibility, minipie. I suspect it's about the number (& type) of unknowns in the relationship rather than age that increases the risk?

I agree, it is about the number & type of unknowns. I know the "pre marriage counselling" that many churches offer is all about encouraging couples to discuss the "big life issues" - eg attitudes towards having children, where to live, family, education, work, money, etc. So as to reduce the number of unknowns.

However, I think that "how someone is to live with" is a massive unknown and one you can't really answer through discussions. You have to live with them to find out.

I see your point about the added incentive to compromise... But the downside is, if they find they can't compromise, they are already married and it's too late! Perhaps the middle ground is what I did - not live with someone until I was fairly sure I wanted to marry them (so the incentive to compromise is there!) - but was not yet actually engaged or married.

alemci

No, I think sex involving consenting adults is a million miles away from the rape of children. Please bear in mind I'm talking about well made porn using fully consensual adults, not cheap nasty stuff of dubious origin. My point is, like it or not, it's not going to go away.

And some women do watch porn, and that's ok, it's their choice.

Anyway, we're OT, the threads not about the rights and wrongs of porn

doesn't please/disturb me if young Christians get married. Only time I find it a pity is when a girl is marrying very young someone who adheres to the more fundamentalist Christian right where the woman is to submit to her husband in all things. If you are going down that track, I think it is best to be a mature woman. Well actually I think it is just best not to ever go down that track but I realise for some women it seems the right way. In that case, the later the better IMO, so long as it does not affect your child-bearing options if it is important to you to have dc.

You can have sex with the lights on?
bu... bu... but... I'm catholic - no way!

Another thing, the church says that the purpose of marriage is to have children. Becoming parents is another massive change that puts strain on a relationship. It can't be easy entering into so much new territory all at once!

rycooler

Best done before stretch marks & jelly belly! Soft lighting there after!!!

You can have it both ways I met my husband when I was nearly 18 nearly 19 and had shagged more than a handful of blokes ahem. I was married at 20 what can I say I like to live fast and I love sex

We are Christians and bought up our DDs in the Christian Faith. All 3 made their own decision to become Christians themselves. 2 are still following the Christian faith the other one isn't. Anyway I digress DD1 got married a week before her 22nd birthday her fiancé was also 22. They met a Uni and got married a year after they graduated.They were both still virgins and have now been married for 2.5 years and
are both still in love with each other. Yes they do have their ups and downs like mist people. But they work stuff out together and have a strong marriage. It gies to show that you don't have to live together before you get married and it doesn't matter what age you are as long as you are sure you are right for each other.

Sorry our churn nor does the Bible say that the purpose of marriage is to have children. Yes that's one purpose but it's not the only one.

I didn't live with DH before we were married and am glad I didn't. :) For us (just personally, what other people do is no skin off my nose) it made it more special, to get married and then come home and move in together.

mumeeee

Hmm, children who suffer indoctrination in their own homes often do follow the faith of their parents. They're only christians because you made them that way, it wasn't some big revelation they came to on their own.

Had they been born in Afghanistan it won't surprise you to know they'd be muslim.

What is the purpose of marriage then? From your christian point of view?

Did he carry you over the threashold CY ? :)

I'm not Christian and my grapes have definately not withered on the vine; quite the opposite-it only took me one extra -marital shag to get up the duff!

A good school friend of mine had a few girlfriends and I am sure was not a virgin when he met his DW. She, a devout Christian, was a virgin. He converted and they had a relationship without having sex (at least not the deflowering kind) for 5 years. They married last year, left the wedding at 9pm and are now expecting their first baby. They are 34. So it's not a given that Christians will marry young.