To ask what you think about young Christian marriages?

[Ihavewelliesbutitssunny]

So over the last few years I've known a lot of young Christian couples who've got married at about 21-23 years old. The classic situation is Christian boy and girl meet at the CU at uni and then get married when they graduate. Obviously part of this is the belief that couples shouldn't have sex before they are married but I think another factor is that they have prayed through and considered their decision to get married and trust that if it is the right decision they should just go ahead and get married. There seems often to be a critical and confused response to this idea of getting married from non-Christians so I was interested to see the mumsnet response. I suspose the idea of waiting for sex and getting married young is something that a lot of couples did in the past and many of us have grandparents or perhaps parents who married young and have had very long (and in most cases) marriages.

interesting stats MrGingleBells

Well I met my dh when I was 20, started dating were married 11 months later. I am one of thoes young Christians you talk of (but we didn't meet at the cu!) Dh is 6 years older than me and we have been married for 3.5 years. In that time we have had our ups and downs, but are happy. We do agree with divorce but believe (except in cases of abuse, in any form) marriage councilling should come first.

My parents have been married 25 years and were also married young. My sister 6 years and most of my family have been married in their early 20's or late teens.

For some it works for others it doesnt, we have friends who have divorced and its sad. But imo dh and I have grown up together and expiearenced life together.

JamieComeHome I admit that I found them on the interweb but I've read / heard about this before, I'm sure there are other stats out there, but I'm sure the divorce amongst born again Christians is high. And I think the OPs post kind of gives a clue as to why this might be.

Wow MrGB, I hadn't come across those stats - influenced at all by which groups are more likely to marry in the first place??

I've just graduated with a cohort 20 years younger than me, and there was a rash group of weddings immediately after graduation among the devout Christians. I would imagine they would mostly do very well as marriages because they do a lot of discussion of relationships from early teenage years at youth church/Sunday School etc. If only school sex education was as thorough and as focused on relationships.

I have to say that I still find it intrinsically shocking to marry at 21 but there's really no reason for that, it's just that I personally was so thumpingly immature at that age. I'm really pretty glad that I wasn't a devout Christian then.

I think a lot of people meet someone at university and get married afterwards. To be a bit mean, it was the, erm, square people mostly. In fact, looking at Friends Reunited a few years ago, I noticed that all the girls at school who were, well, cuboid were married with four children.

I do think that marrying young can lead to divorce at certain pressure points - particularly when the dcs have left home and someone is perhaps only 40 and can't face another 40 years with their spouse. If you settled down at 35 then it is going to take you a while longer to get fed up with your partner, by which time you're too old to hunt out someone else!

Wow MrGB, I hadn't come across those stats - influenced at all by which groups are more likely to marry in the first place??

I don't think so, if you look into it there are figures for other Christian denominations and religions who are just as likely to view marriage as the right way forwards within their community, but likely less celibate in the lead up to it.

We married when I was 20 and he was 19. We had loads of sex though I think getting married young is brilliant personally as you can have so much fun together and share in each others memories. I would no way made it until marriage to have sex though me and my husband were too attracted to each other.

gramercy - we were/are the opposite of square complete ravers, partying every night, travelling. We still always out and great social life now even years in with the kids. Marrying young or at all doesnt have to mean boring unless you are boring people to start with

My parents were 18 and 21 when they married and are still together 50 years later. Bless them. Both Atheists though.

Here's a link I found informative about Christian marriage...

"
Barna's results verified findings of earlier polls: that conservative Protestant Christians, on average, have the highest divorce rate, while mainline Christians have a much lower rate. They found some new information as well: that atheists and agnostics have the lowest divorce rate of all. George Barna commented that the results raise "questions regarding the effectiveness of how churches minister to families." The data challenge "the idea that churches provide truly practical and life-changing support for marriage."

Donald Hughes, author of The Divorce Reality, said:

"In the churches, people have a superstitious view that Christianity will keep them from divorce, but they are subject to the same problems as everyone else, and they include a lack of relationship skills. ...Just being born again is not a rabbit's foot."

Really interesting points. In my OP I meant to put (and in most cases happy) but somehow missed out the word happy. I know not all long marriages are happy but it does seem that in past generations where people got married younger there was less divorce and there seem to be a lot of happier older couples about. Although this may be because divorce was frowned upon and it was harder for single parents, essentially I suspose society was different.

I think it is very sensible. I agree with whoever said earlier that a lot of people wait until 30 to find the one, and then end up having to settle for somebody who is no better than the person they were dating at 18.

If my DH suddenly decided that he was born again I think I'd be googling 'divorce'.

On the other hand, we got married when I was 22 and, like serenitysutton, I think the key is having pretty low expectations, compared to the romantic noval idea of marriage.

Perhaps if you are both Christian, the same as if you are both train-spotters or liberal democrats, you have something else in common that makes it worth your while sticking together in a hostile world? We both like books (a lot) so you can imagine the wild parties at our place. We seem to rub along fine though, I've enjoyed being married to him through my twenties and thirties, and I reckon good luck to the kids that give it a go.

like books = can't spell novel. Nice one.

I went to a young christian weddi g this year and for them it was very intoxicating - god on their side, lots of uni mates praising them. I'm an old cynic I guess but it just didn't seem sustainable

Actually I'd be very wary of applying US statistics on divorce vis a vis denomination to UK Christians because the cultures are VERY different. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of "young evangelical Christian marriages" I've known to fail out of literally hundreds.

My first marriage was one of them.

Personally I think getting married at 21 without having sex beforehand and expecting to stay together forever because you share a religious faith is DUMB. You change so much in your 20s, especially women. It was certainly dumb for me.

My mum and dad have been married for 39 years, both atheists, definitely had sex before marriage. They were both 22 when they got married, straight out of university. They knew eachother 3ish years before getting married. Quite a few of their compatriots did the same, some are still married, some aren't.

My PILs have been married for 40 years, both extremely devout Catholics, definitely did not have sex before marriage. They were 31 and 28 when they got married, quite late, by the standards of the time. They only knew eachother for 6 months before marrying which seems astonishing now.

Some 'young' Christian marriages are destined to fail. Some 'young' atheist marriages are destined to fail. Some marriages are going to be long and happy, whatever the faith or otherwise of their participants.

I think its partly a sex thing and partly the fact that marriage is seen as the bedrock of the community by Christians which leads them into taking that decision earlier than others. It isn't for me, either the Christianity or the marrying young, but I wouldn't criticise those who chose that path unless I felt they were entering into an abusive relationship.

Can anyone answer my question about what, if any "sex acts" would be allowable (sorry, that sounds pervy, I know) amongst the demographic of which you speak. Or is it a silly question, because it varies?

SerenitySutton - I agree with you. As a student I found the youthful marriages of CU members incomprehensible - with age I can see that that might not be the worst thing in the world as long as you choose wisely and "don't squint" as my granny always used to warn me! The problem with getting married to have sex is really the same problem as getting married because you have great sex - while undoubtedly an important aspect of marriage it is not the be all and end all. Making you sure you have the same life values and expectations - how many kids do you want and who is going to look after them? Where do you want to live? Whose job is going to take priority if one of you gets an amazing promotion and you have to relocate? Are you a spender or a saver? - it always amazes me how many people don't talk about these things (or even think about them) before they get married. However much time you spend in bed you spend a hell of a lot more time out of it and once resentment starts to build up over whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher or whose parents are coming for Christmas it's amazing how quickly you can go off it - however great it was to start with.
"Plus, how many women (I'm 31, seeing this a lot) get to my age, having had a few boyfriends, maybe a live in relationship, thenfind themselves single, desperate for marriage/ babies and "settle" for someone they just rub along nicely with, rather than "the one" they imagined at 21? Arguably they have done it anyway." Absolutely spot on (though sadly I am a bit older than 31) in fact you should see the settling that goes on once women hit their 40s.

DH and I would fall into your category OP, although we were mid twenties. Happy after 17 years but that's because he is great!

3 sets of cousins also fall into your category, one set met when they were still at school, another at uni, the ones who met at school are the happiest I know

Aunt and Uncle met at 21 and 16, just celebrated 40 years. Until recently I'd say they had a great marriage.

I also know other Christian marriages that have fallen apart. It happens. But for each that has, I could site 3 or so that are happy.

Happiness only comes with lots of work, counselling and compromise. One compromise I would not accept is abuse, in any of it's forms.

I know quite a few from college. All evangelicals. And no catholics (pretty sure they were all sleeping together - we were...). Most are still married. A few are not. In those cases at least one partner has lapsed. Whether those who are still married are happily married I'm not sure. The one couple we remain close to certainly are. DH and I met at college, but didn't get married for another 9 years.

Jamie afaik there isn't a rule book! What people do in their relationship is private to them. We don't start off Sunday services by saying 'and now you young ones - remember a hand job is fine but no more...'

Jamie, it depends on the couple. One guy I knew would not share more than a peck on the cheek and a hug, for others nudity was OK as long as nothing happened that would get the girl pregnant if no contraception is used.

The fact that people get married and have children later now does not mean someone in their early twenties is "too young to marry". it just means the rest of us got too old :P

Jamie I can only answer your question by saying that I've heard amongst American evangelical Christians in particular that they, err, partake in a lot of anal as that then doesn't count as losing your virginity, so they're still pure in the eyes of god.

To answer the OP, it saddens me because although I'm sure lots of these marriages work out, lots of people in that situation still have a lot of growing up to do so it increases the potential that you are going to realise you've made a mistake later on. I had a friend at college who was very religious and deeply in love with her Christian boyfriend. They felt like god had brought them together and got married aged 19. I caught up with her on facebook and she had divorced by 22. I'm not sure why.

Northern - don't roll your eyes at me lady, I might trip over. I only ask because in theory, to me, this "waiting to have sex" (which the OP mentions), and then having some form of sex, just not penetrative, vaginal, is not really waiting for sex, and therefore any judgment about the effects of waiting for sex might be a "moo" point . IYSWIM.