To ask what you think about young Christian marriages?

[Ihavewelliesbutitssunny]

So over the last few years I've known a lot of young Christian couples who've got married at about 21-23 years old. The classic situation is Christian boy and girl meet at the CU at uni and then get married when they graduate. Obviously part of this is the belief that couples shouldn't have sex before they are married but I think another factor is that they have prayed through and considered their decision to get married and trust that if it is the right decision they should just go ahead and get married. There seems often to be a critical and confused response to this idea of getting married from non-Christians so I was interested to see the mumsnet response. I suspose the idea of waiting for sex and getting married young is something that a lot of couples did in the past and many of us have grandparents or perhaps parents who married young and have had very long (and in most cases) marriages.

We were young Christians on marriage (21/23) and know we are middle-aged Christians with 5 children (eldest 3 confirmed and active in church).

molly I'm glad that it worked so well for you. :) I think that it would have been different for me though. I would have been squashed, no matter how well-meaning the man. And it wouldn't have helped that I was still choosing the unsuitable ones either. :)

I suppose the bible says that your body is a temple and in the old testament genesis it talks about man and women becomming one flesh. Also I think it shows courage and committment to swim against the tide which has made sex and not being a virgin so important.

On a practical point of view in our society look at all the unwanted pregnancies, unfaithfulness, STD's etc. Perhaps it is better to be celibate until you are sure. I think our society has become obsessed with sex and it does corrupt and exploit people. things like porn and prostitution which I know are very extreme.

I am not trying to judge anyone but presenting the positives.

society has always been obsessed with sex, had prostitutes etc its just a lot less repressed about it now. whether that is a good thing is debatable, though i do think that women being able to express their sexuality and having expectations when when it comes to sex is a good thing and this has been achieved largely through a much more open approach to sex.

Having been on the receiving end of plenty of unwanted sexual advances from married "Christian" men, I don't think unfaithfulness is exclusive to we heathens.

And celibate until you are sure of what? I certainly don't have sex until I am sure I want to, but I guess that's not what you mean.

I don't disagree that we live in a porn/ rape culture, BTW, but I don't believe that early christian marriage changes anything about it. Women have been the gatekeepers to sex for far too long - the traditional marriage model perpetuates that.

Oh the Cathars. :( Beyond horrifying.

I guess I fall into this category too, well I was mid twenties nearly but dh was 21 and not even graduated at the time we got married. We knew we wanted to get married very early on and didn't see any point to waiting. 15 years later we are happier than ever and there was never any questions of control or repressing me as a woman. Why does having sex with lots of people make for a happier life? Why does deciding to wait and be committed to one person seem like a poor choice? It certainly never has to us. I just don't get it.

Know loads of Christians married at similar ages and still happily married, know a few separated of course and couldn't comment on the statistics but my experience certainly hasn't been one of people being 'incompatible' and rushing into divorce. For me and dh there is this incredible depth to our relationship that comes both from a shared faith and an utter commitment to each other

I think marriage is an outdated concept full stop. I'm married but the only reason we chose to get married was that it entitled us to a forces quarter, call me shallow but that's the way it was. It was a registry office wedding, not a holy word uttered.

Young people should be out there sowing their wild oats, the only reason there is still shame around sex is because of centuries of churches telling us that it's shameful. Sex is great, they should be having lots of it before they decide to settle down with one person. Choosing not to bother to settle down with one person should also be an option.

"I am genuinely interested in how someone defines themselves as a Catholic when they reject fundamental edicts and teachings of their denomination.

And frankly the responses from Catholics are pretty poor."

Really? I thought I gave a good response (although I was only speaking for myself, not Catholics en masse - pun intended). I describe myself as catholic from both a cultural and faith basis. It's cultural in as much as I went to a Catholic school and lived in a catholic family and it's faith because I do try my best to live up to all the teachings of the church. I am no saint and I regularly stray in small ways but when it comes to big ticket items like observance of Sundays and Holy Days or celibacy before marriage or use of artificial contraception, then I follow the teaching of the church.

I agree with Papal infallibility (when Ex Cathedra), transubstantiation and all the other things that spring to mind when thinking about my faith.

I'm not saying that I haven't struggled to stay on that path - I did find it difficult to abstain from sex in the run-up to my marriage, but I managed it and I spent a long time (again when preparing for marriage) mulling over the issue of contraception but I accepted the reasons behind the teaching. So, I don't follow my faith blindly and I think it's right to learn and debate our faith - isn't that how we grow as christians (of any denomination)?

However, I try hard not to judge or speculate on how other catholics balance their faith and their life - that is between them and their consciences and is nothing to do with me.

And what's the big problem with porn? If you don't like it don't watch it. Don't judge those who do though.

There's worse things going on than people watching a bit of porn.

I only know of one couple who did this. They married very young and very quickly. Sadly, it has become apparent now, 20 odd years into the marriage, that he has been verbally abusive and a bit of a pig for much of the last 20 years. They were strictly 'no sex before marriage' and it saddens me in a way (though they have lovely children as a result of the marriage) to think that had she waited longer and maybe lived together or slowed things down, my lovely friend wouldn't have had to endure 20 years of verbal abuse.

pinkpanettone

Or maybe if divorce wasn't so taboo within some christian churches then people wouldn't find themselves trapped in desperate situations by their 'faith'.

Churches have controlled the masses for long enough, it needs kicking into touch.

That's very sad pink but doesn't mean it's the norm for these sort of marriages. Abuse is never ever acceptable in any sense :(

Hmmm Rational, it may be the case that churches controlled the masses in a highly unhealthy way for many years but it can hardly be said to be the case now.

But, my fluffy friend, we're now left with the unhealthy attitudes that the centuries of church control left us with. The taboos around sex and nakedness to mention but two

Catholics do not have an unhealthy attitude to sex, far from it in most cases - on the few occasions I've admitted to using pornography on here I've been told ( in no uncertain terms ) that I'm a very uncaring selfish person who puts my own sexual needs before anything else.

but doesn't sowing wild oats lead to venereal diseases, aids, possible cervical cancer (why are all girls being innoculated), mistrust and hurt, unwanted pregnancy which could end in a termination. I don't see what is so good about it.

I don't think there is anything positive about porn. Isn't it pretty degrading. My 14 year old ds was watching in online. obviously not too happy about it. don't you think it poisons young minds?

The sexual revolution has defo damaged women, no question about it ( for all the reasons you state ) and I agree pornography is damaging to young people which is why I keep a very close eye on my dc Internet use - but adults? no harm at all in the majority of cases.

rycooler

We're all victims of the power churches held over people's sex lives in the past. Women do still get called promiscuous sluts etc if they choose to have a lot of sex. Kids are still being brought up to think of their genitals as their rude bits. There is still a fair amount of guilt around about who we have sex with, how we have it and how often.

And just ask a homosexual if they think the catholic church has a healthy attitude towards sex.

alemci

I would always promote safe sex, but if a person who has not committed to another person wants to have sex they should be free to do so without fear of retribution. We are talking about consenting adults here.

We need better sex education to educate young people about the realities of sex, not just the biology, that'd go some way to addressing the transmittal of STDs.

Some porn is degrading, some isn't. Some is degrading to women, some to men.

It's your job to control your 14 year old's access to porn, I should not, as an adult, have my access to it censored because of your 14 year old.

I'm not sure how damaging it really is to a 14 year old though, I certainly wouldn't allow my child to watch it, but I haven't seen any evidence to suggest any long term damage.

No, I know it's not the norm and a sample size of one is hardly valid! Rational and madhairday. Her beliefs are such that divorce is out of the question .

DH is a 'cultural' Catholic. Residual belief in God, wants DS to be brought up a Catholic, but doesn't give much thought to the teachings behind the faith. Doesn't get upset when I call the Pope a bigoted old bastard, so clearly doesn't think he's infalliable. We had loads of sex before marriage (though didn't live together) and use contraception. Doesn't believe in transubstantiation, despite the fact I keep telling him it is a fundamental of his faith.

BIL is a devout Catholic who doesn't believe everything the Church has to say. He says it is important to question theological matters and not accept them without any debate as it makes for a more modern Church. He does believe the Pope is infalliable though and would be horrified to find out about all the sex DH and I had before marriage. When questioned on matters theological he does also tend to start quoting Papal encyclicals like they are matters of cold, hard fact.

MIL and FIL are devout Catholics who don't question anything the Church says or does.

They would all identify as Catholics. MIL, FIL and BIL would put it before anything else in their lives. Some people might argue that DH isn't strictly a Catholic due to the transubstantiation / Papal infalliability thing, but he'd get upset if they did (my Dad tried it).

If you're wondering where I fit into this - I'm a raging atheist who has learnt a lot about Catholicism in the last decade...

Hi! Hi! :o

I don't like porn, but it's from a feminist standpoint rather than a religious one.

I think (and I said this before possibly ) that is really depends on the person. DH and I were young-ish (21 and 24) when we started dating. I wasn't a virgin, he was until I got my hooks into him. We were married three years later and are happy. We love each other deeply and have the same sort of life in mind, IYKWIM.

My 51 year old parents have been together since they were 16 and are very happy...but they've allowed each other to change and grow over the past 35 years.

My ILs are very very Catholic too MissMarjori. Won't they be in for a surprise when DS doesn't start confirmation classes...