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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit miffed DP wants to spend Xmas away from his new DD?

203 replies

Orbinator · 17/11/2011 03:06

DD is 3.5 M/O and her dad and I don't live together. He visits every weekend and I have no doubt he is besotted with her, but he doesn't really have much responsibility towards her; he can go out drinking in the week and still sends money to his brothers when they are in need although he won't make regular payments to me. He says he loves me and has talked about marriage several times in the last 2 weeks.

Last weekend he said that he is really upset that he won't get to see his family at Xmas, even though he was invited to stay with his mum, as he knows I won't want him to be away for over 2 weeks. Of course I felt I hadn't much choice but to say it was OK, but secretly I'm really hoping he will choose his DD and me over his brothers and Mum. I'm pretty sure he now is going to take this as a green light (I think he may have been angling for me to feel guilty). AIBU? I do want him to catch up with them, but the thought of Xmas alone with DD is really depressing me Sad

OP posts:
tryingtoleave · 17/11/2011 04:31

Are you in a relationship with him? If so, then he should be spending xmas with you, and he should be acting like a responsible partner and husband - i.e. living with you, contributing to your household and looking after your baby. If he refuses to do any of this, then it is probably time to end the relationship.

If you do, or if you are not in a relationship with him, you should have some legal arrangement put in place.

tryingtoleave · 17/11/2011 04:32

Oops, just saw he is talking marriage. I don't get it! Why is he talking marriage if he isn't living with you and your baby? Why isn't he taking you and his daughter to visit his family at xmas.

He needs to treat you better and grow up. How old is he, btw?

cumbria81 · 17/11/2011 06:10

This sounds fucking weird to me (no offence). Why aren't you liviing together? Why isn't he raising his child with you? He sounds like he's having his cake and eating it and it's not fair on you.

rainbowinthesky · 17/11/2011 07:03

Doesnt sound like much of relationship. I think you need to start accepting this is never going to go anywhere. You deserve more.

exoticfruits · 17/11/2011 07:04

It sounds weird to me. I would say that he either takes you and the baby as the major commitment in his life or you stop the relationship-it doesn't seem much of one anyway.

TheFidgetySheep · 17/11/2011 07:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveBeingAFirework · 17/11/2011 07:06

You don't live together, he doesn't give you regular money, he lives like a single person and doesn't want to spend Xmas with you? Are you sure he isn't stringing you along with talk if marriage? Why wouldn't you go with him?

Btw if you say it's ok then you have accept he might do ir

CailinDana · 17/11/2011 07:08

So you do most of the childcare, he doesn't live with you or contribute financially, and he can't be bothered to spend Christmas with you and his very new baby? Sounds like a real catch.

EssentialFattyAcid · 17/11/2011 07:20

Is this the kind of person to marry? He hasn't taken responsibility for being a father or a partner. Sadly I think you are wasting emotional energy here. Stand back from having a relationship with him, just encourage him to be the best dad he can be.

Proudnscary · 17/11/2011 07:22

Grow a backbone here! Why all the 'secretly wishing he'll change his mind'. Tell him, tell him how you feel, tell him he's a dad now and it's usual to spend the day with your new family not your mum - or at least all get together.
He's having his cake and eating it - with you and his mum pandering to his needs and not having any of the real day to day responsibility of being a dad.

AnyFucker · 17/11/2011 07:37

You are considering marrying this man ?

why ?

GypsyMoth · 17/11/2011 07:39

Does he work? Go to the csa.

Does he help with childcare whilst you work? Or are you on maternity leave still?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 17/11/2011 07:42

You are not in a relationship, so go to the CSA and make your own Christmas plans.

slavetofilofax · 17/11/2011 07:44

What is making you even consider marriage with this man? Why would you do that to yourself and your child?

ladyintheradiator · 17/11/2011 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngelofTheLordiscomingDown · 17/11/2011 07:50

How old is he? 17?

There's not much description of reliability, responsibility or acceptance of what married life would really bring, is there?

pigletmania · 17/11/2011 07:51

When I read the title and the first few lines of your op, I thought you were separated. I am Shock that you are in some kind of relationship with this man. You don't live together, he doesent regularly contribute to his dd, but will go out drinking with mates and help his brothers financially. Add to that he still thinks he is single and can have his cake an eat it, and he wants to marry you and says he loves you, what a joke!

He should not be going on his own to his family, he should be taking you and his dd or having them over to stay with him so that you can all be together as a family. Don't even think about marrying him. This situation has come about because you let it, its not going to get any better unless you grow a pair and start being assertive, he will continue to walk all over you.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 17/11/2011 07:54

Don't tear yourself up over a man like that....he's not stepping up in any way. He SHOULD be living with you and Christmas SHOULD be with you and DD...he is acting like a child who wants his cake.

Really....it's not normal and it's not ok....have you no family? You need to give him the lowdown....tell him either he lives with you and DD as a family or he buggers off and you free yourself and DD to be together with no chance of dissapointment...and one day te possibility of meeting a real man.

Animation · 17/11/2011 07:54

Hmm, when I read this - I thought I don't believe this.

ladyintheradiator · 17/11/2011 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 17/11/2011 08:00

Is there some reason whyhe isn't living with you? What will his parents think about him acting like a child rushing home to Mummy at Christmas when he has a child of his own?

Animation · 17/11/2011 08:02

Well we don't know for sure, but what does the OP want us to say.

It's either ask him nicely and he might spend Christmas with you, or 'leave him' - he's a dick.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 17/11/2011 08:04

What everyone else said.

Oddness.

ENormaSnob · 17/11/2011 08:16

This is not a relationship.

Stop kidding yourself.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 17/11/2011 08:28

Orbinator I think I remember your earlier posts (our babies were due at a similar time I think, I had a different username then but was on some of your threads)

Is this the same guy you've posted about before? (He was ex-DP then, but living with you?) If so, how did you get to this stage? Where is he living now? Why did you decide to get back together?

To be honest, it sounds like he's still manipulating you and I really, really think you should be going down the CSA route rather than persevering with a 'relationship' with someone who doesn't support you in the way you want to be supported.

Get some support though. It sounds like youve been through a lot over the last year or so.