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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit miffed DP wants to spend Xmas away from his new DD?

203 replies

Orbinator · 17/11/2011 03:06

DD is 3.5 M/O and her dad and I don't live together. He visits every weekend and I have no doubt he is besotted with her, but he doesn't really have much responsibility towards her; he can go out drinking in the week and still sends money to his brothers when they are in need although he won't make regular payments to me. He says he loves me and has talked about marriage several times in the last 2 weeks.

Last weekend he said that he is really upset that he won't get to see his family at Xmas, even though he was invited to stay with his mum, as he knows I won't want him to be away for over 2 weeks. Of course I felt I hadn't much choice but to say it was OK, but secretly I'm really hoping he will choose his DD and me over his brothers and Mum. I'm pretty sure he now is going to take this as a green light (I think he may have been angling for me to feel guilty). AIBU? I do want him to catch up with them, but the thought of Xmas alone with DD is really depressing me Sad

OP posts:
Sidge · 17/11/2011 13:01

Huh?

He doesn't give you any money towards the upkeep of his child but can afford to fly to NZ to visit his mum?

I think he needs to get his priorities right.

Cherriesarelovely · 17/11/2011 13:02

Just to clarify, my DP works away part of the week but we live together and she is just as much a parent as I am.

Malificence · 17/11/2011 13:05

An unregistered sperm donor website? Shock

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/11/2011 13:05

"but really why would he bother if he didn't care?"
Orbinator, I'm going to repeat what I said to you on your thread back in June to answer that:

"STOP asking him to make a choice, he has already made it and the choice is to mess you around to the absolute maximum. Ask yourself, why would he be on this unregulated donor website? To give himself access to women at a point when they will be vulnerable to his manipulating, perchance? Christ only knows he's had his money's worth out of you, months of endless toying with your emotions, with the prospect of YEARS more to come. Oh, joy!!"

Five months later and you are still in denial.

pigletmania · 17/11/2011 13:05

So his mum is in NZ over Christmas not in uk. You are a a family and should all go together, and he should fund that. All sounds a bit strange not contributing financially on a regular basis, having his own life separate from the family when he should be with you. He is not single anymore going out drinking and clubbing with mates every week, he has responsibilities.

youtalkintome · 17/11/2011 13:05

He doesn't sound very committed. Once we had Dc Christmas has always been spent either at our house or had either Parents house. Of course sometimes when i went to ILs I felt a bit homesick but that's what a relationship is about. I think in your circumstances the ideal would be for his mum to come to you for Christmas and meet your new dd, that way the cost is hers and he gets to see her.

youtalkintome · 17/11/2011 13:08

Just seen the unregistered donor bit Confused

TobyLeWolef · 17/11/2011 13:12

Wait, what? Unregistered sperm donor website? WTF?

pigletmania · 17/11/2011 13:13

He is not apartner, but living like a single man,coming to see you and baby than buggering off home after a few hours. Agree either one of you has to move to make this work, you have to be assertive and tell him what you want. He should be spending Christmas with you and his dd. If he can afford to go to nz, he can afford regular financial contribution

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/11/2011 13:14

The OP's 'relationship' is very far from usual, I think it might be of benefit if you read the background.

TheSecondComing · 17/11/2011 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePathanKhansWitch · 17/11/2011 13:24

I hope your ok OP. People aren't gilding the lilly here,and it may sound harsh, but i think you need to hear it. It really isn't going snywhere is it?.

Remove the small part this person has in yours and DD life, move on. Good luck.

youtalkintome · 17/11/2011 13:26

Sorry OP that is all a bit mental. I really think you should work out a suitable contact arrangement with him now for seeing your dd and work at having an amicable relationship.

A good friend of mine got PG on a one night stand with a friend of DHs (all very Gavin and Stacey) they had an odd relationship in the beginning he really wanted to be involved with the baby, she wanted to be involved with him and play happy families. They moved in together eventually when the baby was oneish he was a lovely dad but to the best of my knowledge has cheated on her lots. They have just split up now her little girl is 5 and the person this has hit the hardest is their child, their relationship has broken down so much she doesn't see him and she cries all the time. I really think they could have been really good parents if they had of left their relationship to oneside and worked at being good friends, i know that would be hard but in the long run it would be the best for your dd. As i said to you before, he isn't committed to you.

TheSecondComing · 17/11/2011 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 17/11/2011 13:55

My DH is AUssie and h would NEVER go over there for Christmas without us....why hasn't h said he'll pay your flights? Dont you share your incomes? If not, then this is not a partenership and you need to let go.

Ariesgirl · 17/11/2011 13:56

Don't marry him. You are worth more than that.

SirBoobAlot · 17/11/2011 14:00

Right.

OP, I was - note, was - in a relationship with DSs father and we didn't live together. We used to go over there for the weekends, then we we got our own place, he used to come to us. I disagree with those who have said its not a relationship - actually sometimes it works. Might not be a typical set up, but hey.

However, even my tit of an ex pays maintance, and spends specials days with his son.

Subtle is not working with this guy. If you are frightened of his reaction, for whatever reason, say it via phone. He needs to be paying for his daughters upbringing. And yes - he should be putting his daughter first. Unfortunately some fathers are wankers just don't get this, and you have to shov it loudly from the roof tops.

Any guy lucky enough to say he is your boyfriend, and her father needs to live up to that.

Proudnscary · 17/11/2011 14:03

What thread and what do you mean 'd'p was a sperm donor? Can someone link? OP I hope you're ok, this sounds like a total muddle and you seem to think your 'partner' is someone he really isn't.
And as SirBoob says, he needs to pay for his child. It is the law.

MooncupGoddess · 17/11/2011 14:13

Oh God! Can you clarify: was your DD conceived by AI (and you then got together with the donor), or did you meet the guy as potential donor, get together and get pregnant naturally? And, is he on the birth certificate?

It's all rather confusing, but having read a few of your threads the one thing that's clear is that he feels no proper sense of commitment to you. Sorry.

ChristinedePizanne · 17/11/2011 14:14

Whereyouleftit linked to the thread Proud. The OP met the 'DP' on a sperm donor site, conceived using his sperm and then they began an on/off relationship. As he is a sperm donor, he has no rights over his child and there are no requirements to pay maintenance but I don't know how that changes if you begin a relationship with the mother.

It's really muddied the waters and I think the OP would be better off thinking of him as the donor, rather than her DD's dad. He clearly doesn't want to be a dad and I would imagine he isn't on the birth certificate.

maras2 · 17/11/2011 15:12

I've read the history to this thread and am hoping that you can save as much money as possible.Your child is going to need so much therapy in the years to come if you don't take advice from the people who have stood by you.on Msnet. over the past months.

Proudnscary · 17/11/2011 15:13

Ok thanks Christine. Wow, a real muddle. I've never heard of anything like it.

Moominsarescary · 17/11/2011 15:17

Wtf you used a sperm donor from an unregulated site then started a relationship with him and you are surprised that this is how it's turned out?

Leave the bastard.

SirBoobAlot · 17/11/2011 15:39

Having read the previous thread... This guy is a fuckwit. Is he on the birth certificate? Yes, then go via CSA.

This isn't happy families, and it won't ever be. This guy wants to have his cake and eat it. Please don't build your hopes up for a family christmas, as I really think you will be lucky to get a card. Enjoy your first xmas with your daughter. Being a single mum is great!

youtalkintome · 17/11/2011 17:05

I've been thinking about this and i'm really OP but set out having a DD in a very unconventional route presumably planning on bringing her up as a SP which is fine, it can be explained she will grow up not knowing any different, i presume you thought long and hard before you decided on this route.

In actual fact what you have done is had her and then essentially put her needs second as you have created a relationship with this man that is likely to end very badly as he is likely to spend her whole life letting her down. He doesn't pay, he didn't want to be a father he wanted to be a nice uncle ie all the fun part none of the crap he gets to have his cake and eat it. I hate to tell you this but he is probably the kind of guy who will meet somebody else marry her have babies and be a good dad to them and be crap with your dd excusing himself because of the circumstances of her birth. He clearly has issues where he would like to be part of a family but hasn't quite found one that is perfect for him yet Hmm.
Please put your dd first forget your relationship with him work out a good arrangement financial and social if he wants to be part of your dds life he doesn't come good with the money then i would go back to the original agreement with him as a sperm donor and scrap his involvement. You both (dd and you) deserve better than this.

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