to be a bit miffed DP wants to spend Xmas away from his new DD?

[Orbinator]

DD is 3.5 M/O and her dad and I don't live together. He visits every weekend and I have no doubt he is besotted with her, but he doesn't really have much responsibility towards her; he can go out drinking in the week and still sends money to his brothers when they are in need although he won't make regular payments to me. He says he loves me and has talked about marriage several times in the last 2 weeks.

Last weekend he said that he is really upset that he won't get to see his family at Xmas, even though he was invited to stay with his mum, as he knows I won't want him to be away for over 2 weeks. Of course I felt I hadn't much choice but to say it was OK, but secretly I'm really hoping he will choose his DD and me over his brothers and Mum. I'm pretty sure he now is going to take this as a green light (I think he may have been angling for me to feel guilty). AIBU? I do want him to catch up with them, but the thought of Xmas alone with DD is really depressing me

he seems curiously verbose

is his usual form of verbal expression so convoluted?

He's quite up his own arse, so yes, he tries to impress with language. Usually the more verbose the more full of shit it is. So yes, he speaks like this pretty much all the time.

It all means bugger all though as he's not changed his settings so I assume someone on there is not meant to know about me and his sproglett.

Have actually got quite angry at him myself since he's blatantly not doing anything about the situation. And yes, I know this is a small thing compared to others, but it's an easy one to rectify.

Texting each other in a game of emotional cat and mouse is no fun for anyone. I would want to stop the game playing and talk with him very honestly about how he sees the future developing. If he gets cagey or his behaviour tells you otherwise, I would try to get out of the relationship yourself and simply restrict yourself to being co-parents in a more distant way.

Soon your daughter will get old enough to know this kind of thing is going on and it would be very destructive to see parents texting each other over whether she exists on Facebook or being on/off.

I don't thnk he loves you or your DD. You made the decision to be a single parent, fair enough. You knew that it was going to be rough on your child but you wanted one anyway. This man isn't committed to you nor is he ever going to be. You'd be better to cut your losses and just concentrate on the daughter you wanted so badly.

I had a very deep conversation with him last weekend, when it transpired about the savings he is keeping for his retirement and why he hasn't made any moves to move in yet or sort out his FB. I said then that it is all talk with him and no actions and tonight has just repeated that, very obviously.

Tbh I don't think I can do this game of his any more. He treats life like a competition and is obviously worried his friends will think he has failed somehow by having a kid, or perhaps he is trying to impress a lady. Either way, it's horrid being a secret but much worse when you know he is doing it while telling you he isn't. It's all been a bit of a mind fuck really and I know my daughter will be better off with a mother who's mind is definitely being fucked.

I've finally heard you ladies (and gentlemen?). I'm far too tired to do this any more and it's certainly not benefiting us in any way other than making me feel I tried.

God I must sleep, she's up at 7 :(

*definitely NOT being fucked. See, it's happened already!

It's not all about YOU anymore, OP. Your posts are full of your own thoughts of you and what you want/expect. You didn't have a relationship with him to start... and you don't now. I feel angry on your daughter's behalf actually, it's tough without a dad.

Well, that's a turn up for the books. Nearly every poster has told me to think about me and what he is doing to us. Nice to have a different perspective

For the record, I'd never stop him seeing her if he wants to. It's always been him doing the running away. If he wants to be there for her then that is fine by me. He can be a very good dad when he wants to be, just not a very good partner.

Him only being there at weekends can work perfectly for some, doesnt make him any less or a partner or dad if he puts the effort in!
Everything else on the other hand is a total joke. You need to clear it up plain and simple. You need to ask him two things..... is he a dad...is he your partner. If he says yes then he needs to start acting like it.
How you met is neither here nor there anymore as you took a different path to what you both originally intended.
I can totally understand him wanting to spend xmas with his family if they arnt all together often but his mother should also understand what it is to have your own first xmas as a family so dont assume she will take his side if he says he isnt going, she may totally understand. You need to tell him exactly how you feel about spending christmas together, yes he shouldnt need telling, its a given but he clearly doesnt seem to operate in the same way normal people do.

I disagree with your last remark; he can be a very good dad. He isn't. Moreover, he sounds like a narcissistic game-player who lacks the capacity to add true depth and meaning to anyone's life. He can be a very good uncle, perhaps, or some other slightly-involved adult who turns up and goes away again unruffled. Not a good dad. Neither a good partner or even a friend to you.

I've been hearing how anxiously you wanted this relationship to be something it's not - a family; a safe harbour; a foundation - and all I can add is how delighted I am that you're waking up to the real picture. Sad for you, of course ... but, overall, pleased for you and wishing you speedy progress!

You sound lovely, btw. You're very eloquent. He's out of his league with you, and too conceited to know it.

You have to grow the fuck up and start putting your daughter first.

She doesn't need all of this ridiculous drama in her life.

Tell him he needs to contribute financially towards his child, if he refuses contact the CSA.

Honestly, you all sound about 15 playing at happy families, you don't have time for this shit anymore, if you wanted to play silly games you should not have had a child.

Just. Stop. It.

So I may have missed a bit from other threads but what I get is he's a bit up his own arse, very worried about what people think of him and he had sex with someone he met from an unregistered donor site, had a child who is now 3.5months. And this someone wants to start tagging pictures of her and the child on his FB where everyone who knows him will say... when did you have a child? who is she? how did you meet?

He's an arse but also he's a self concious arse, he is never going to 'fess up to what happened in this past and the story behind all this. Even if he does love DD and even if he has got some feelings for you - he is never going to hold this story up to the world and say look what happened. And he's got away with it because he works away and because his family are in NZ - even the brother you met was probably told some "version" of events, I would put money on the fact he didn't get the full truth. Ask yourself honestly can you imagine him making this whole story public, has he ever asked you to skim over the truth even with your own friends and family?

He will meet someone else, who he may tell a version of this story to enough that they will marry and have kids and the "fairytale" life you really want to have but its not going to be you. .

I agree with whoever said the main feeling from all of this is despair - if you were my RL friend I would be urging you to break all ties with this guy, put access and child maintenance on an "official" basis and move on with your life. This is really only going to get worse.

And I feel vaguely like I'm kicking you when you're down by saying all that - so sorry

Slightly harsh Morloth, you cant blame her for trying to give it a go with the man she fell for. I cant see anywhere that she said her daughter hasnt come first anyway.

Orbinator, I feel badly for you reading your posts. The facebook thing tells me that he is hiding you from the people on his friends list because you and the baby are a secret. The question is...why are you a secret?

It has been dragging on for month's SouthStar either the OP is stupidly naive or is enjoying the drama.

It is crap, it really is. I have never actually seen this sort of relationship work. It is just continuous drama for years and years and people bring kids into it and they are the ones who get to enjoy the real fallout.

All this 'man she fell for' shit is just enjoying the drama. Kids need stability, her DD doesn't need her dad picking her up when it is convenient and tossing her down when it isn't.

Whole situation is utterly ridiculous and unnecessary, time to grow up.

Just because he works away and can only be there at weekends doesnt mean her dd isnt getting the stability she needs.

Of course its been dragging on for months you dont just switch your feelings off and fall out of love when its gone pear shaped and if she didnt give it a go im sure further down the line she would be sitting there thinking "what if"

I think it would sound alot better to her dd later in life when she says me and your father gave it a try but it didnt work out rather than the whole situation was utterly ridiculous so I just binned it!

Better: 'Ridiculous so I binned it.'

Than: 'Daddy felt a failure for having you and wanted to keep you a secret and didn't care that you had everything that you needed, and didn't want to see you at Christmas, and didn't want to take you for the rest of your family to see you, but I had just fallen for him you see so I just kept putting up with it.'

I don't know where people get the energy for the drama.

OP will just keep on and on trying to make this guy into something he isn't and he will just keep on and on throwing her the odd bone to keep her just close enough so she doesn't just bin him and move on. Around and around they go.

No I totally agree with you but what I was getting at was you cant blame her for giving it a go so I dont think anything she has done warrants you telling her to grow the fuck up.

Untill you have been in a situation where you havent seen your family for awhile and are thousands of miles apart then you dont know how you would feel.
Maybe he is thinking because she is young she wouldnt miss him not being there. OP should have told him straight away NO I want you here for xmas if thats how she felt and then dealt with it afterwards.

I know so many families who do not spend christmas together, granted its not the same situation but they just crack on with it, doesnt mean they are any less of a family.

The whole facebook thing is just him hiding something. no amount of denile will take that away.

I have lived overseas from my family for most of my adult life. 12 years as an expat so I know about missing family at Christmas, I also know about having children and putting them first, because I am a grown up.

She is allowing him to treat her this way, hence my 'grow the fuck up'.

Her DD has no power or choice here, her mother does. If she chooses to put up with this tosser then it is her DD who will suffer.

Romantic love and excitement is all very nice, but it doesn't buy nappies or fill tummies. If he loved his daughter he would step up to the plate and be a real dad. Not necessarily by living with them, alternative arrangements can work just fine - co-parenting in seperate households can work for kids.

This guy isn't doing that. He wants OP and her DD when it is fun to play happy families and the rest of the time he wants to pretend they don't exist so he can continue with his single life.

The OP is enabling this stuff by buying into the drama. She doesn't have to so must be getting something out of it.

Why are you NOT binning him is my q

He's not changing his facebook as he's ashamed of you.
I bet his mum doesn't know

I suspect the op doesn't want a normal relationship ( she is certainly attractive enough to find one) but is getting something out of playing out this drama in front of as wide an audience as possible.

This thread has made me feel rather sad.

I'm not sure about his parental rights around your DD as he was a donor, albiet unregistered and you didn't have a partner at the time. this would seem to suggest that he has parental rights and therefore responsibilities and you are in the arena inhabited by countless women in similar situations where the father picks up/drops the child as he sees fit ( I know this might not be typical, I know there are also countless of very involved fathers who are not in relationships with the mothers of their children and do the very best they can for their children given the circumstances...)

Concentrate on you and your daughter, bin the sperm donor, only allow contact around your daughter and only if he pushes for it legally.

Don't initiate contact. if he contacts you reply politely. don't bite his hand off if he offers you and DD the crumbs of his life.

No 'playing happy families', it will suck you further in.

Delete him as a 'friend' on fb. He isn't your friend.

It will be hard at first, but is essential for removing his emotional involvement in your life. His involvement in your DDs life is a different matter.

Well, that's a turn up for the books. Nearly every poster has told me to think about me and what he is doing to us. Nice to have a different perspective

No, OP, neary every poster has told you to think about your daughter. As others have said, you sound thoughtful, eloquent and intelligent. Whatever you decide to do, make sure it is the best thing for her.

Good luck.