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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit miffed DP wants to spend Xmas away from his new DD?

203 replies

Orbinator · 17/11/2011 03:06

DD is 3.5 M/O and her dad and I don't live together. He visits every weekend and I have no doubt he is besotted with her, but he doesn't really have much responsibility towards her; he can go out drinking in the week and still sends money to his brothers when they are in need although he won't make regular payments to me. He says he loves me and has talked about marriage several times in the last 2 weeks.

Last weekend he said that he is really upset that he won't get to see his family at Xmas, even though he was invited to stay with his mum, as he knows I won't want him to be away for over 2 weeks. Of course I felt I hadn't much choice but to say it was OK, but secretly I'm really hoping he will choose his DD and me over his brothers and Mum. I'm pretty sure he now is going to take this as a green light (I think he may have been angling for me to feel guilty). AIBU? I do want him to catch up with them, but the thought of Xmas alone with DD is really depressing me Sad

OP posts:
Peachy · 17/11/2011 08:38

Honestty. Not always the best policy but here definitely.

'I am not happy as things are; I would have liked you to want to be with us for Christmas; I would like a partner who lives with us, contributes financially on a regular basis, and whom ideally is my spouse. I am sorry you can't seem to be that but I am going to take the chance to find someone who can'.

Then go. Or ask him to go, whichever.

There's a vague chance it will make him get his arse intoeegar but DO NOT do it for that reason- give yourself a break for him, take some time with your DD (and a proper CSA-led financial decision) and see what you want from here.

Chances are in a year from now Christmas will be a very different thing indeed and something you are looking forward to.

samandi · 17/11/2011 10:23

So you do most of the childcare, he doesn't live with you or contribute financially, and he can't be bothered to spend Christmas with you and his very new baby? Sounds like a real catch.

Exactly.

Why on earth did you have a baby with someone like that in the first place? My advice would be to dump him, but perhaps he has some mysterious redeeming feature.

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 17/11/2011 10:30

Why is he not paying money to you for the child? I would be more worried about that then where he spends Christmas

ditzymitzy2 · 17/11/2011 10:39

you have decided to live apart and for him to carry on making his own single decisions

so therefore you cant dictate about what he does and doesnt do and where he goes

PigletJohn · 17/11/2011 10:42

"He visits every weekend and I have no doubt he is besotted with her, but he doesn't really have much responsibility towards her; he can go out drinking in the week and still sends money to his brothers when they are in need although he won't make regular payments to me"

'mmmmmmm.

SnowChains · 17/11/2011 10:47

why can't you all go to his mum and brothers?

What is the set up?

Why cant he be with you all the time?

ChangeyMcChangeaLot · 17/11/2011 10:50

He doesn't love you and he's not going to marry you. Wake up and move on.

LizzieMo · 17/11/2011 11:13

Does his Mum not want to see her Grandchild at Christmas??? Very odd behaviour from your DD's dad (I won't call him a partner because he is not) You know he will carry on doing what the hell he likes unless you make him face up to his responsibilities. Tell him you are going to CSA for regular child support. BTW, men who are besotted with their children don't bugger off somewhere else for the first Christmas .

chipmonkey · 17/11/2011 11:20

Do NOT allow yourself to be treated this way!

This man has a child. He should not be sending money to his brothers in preference to supporting his dd. She has two parents, why should she lose out?

Also, either you are a family or you are not. If you are a family then he lives with you and you spend Christmas together or you are not a family and you spend Christmas apart.

chipmonkey · 17/11/2011 11:21

Have you met his family?

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 17/11/2011 11:24

OP I hope you're ok....its a bit worying that you're so alone. Have you anyone else you can be with this Christmas?

CaroleService · 17/11/2011 11:26

Does his family even know about your dd?

Does he have a UK passport? I bet you do!

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/11/2011 11:31

Oh fucksake Orbinator, this manchild is NOT YOUR DP. He has been fucking with your head since you met him, on an unregistered sperm donor website IIRC. Go back to the original arrangement of sending him an annual photograph and cut contact with him.

I really am beginning to think that being able to mindfuck someone was his sole intention of putting himself on that site. Stop facilitating him and get him out of your life, you and your DD deserve so much better.

SirBoobAlot · 17/11/2011 11:40

Christ, ease off on the OP, ladies! Am rushing right now but will message properly in a little bit.

Original poster
Orbinator · 17/11/2011 12:35

OK - I agree he needs to live here and he has been making excuses as to why he can't - it takes 4hrs to get to one of the main contracts he has from where I live and at the moment an 8hr round trip 3 times a week doesn't seem to do anyone any favours. He is asking his boss about paying travels costs to work and once that is agreed will move in.

He is really supportive over the weekends; he'll do housework and cook as well as all of the baby changes and has looked after her for 3 hrs when I had my hair done. Granted this isn't putting him up for any awards, but really why would he bother if he didn't care? He works all week and could well be living a completely single life in London.

His mum lives in NZ which is why it isn't so easy for him to see her and all of his brothers are travelling there to meet - they all live in different countries. I'm sending off for a first passport today anyway as he is off to Paris with work in 2 weeks and has asked us to go along (again, why would he do that if he was playing a game?).

I just don't know whether I should happily let him go to NZ for 2+ weeks or if I should be fighting to go too for or him to stay?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 17/11/2011 12:49

Not really a partner if he does not live with you, and is not there to share childcare duties with you. You being his "partner" should be spending Christmas with you, like one poster said does his mum not want to see her new grandchild at Christmas? Stop making excuses fir him.

Original poster
Orbinator · 17/11/2011 12:51

Yes, his mum knows about her and would love to meet her. I just am not sure about spending nearly £1k on travel and with such a long flight. He did offer very briefly for us to come along but it hasn't been mentioned since. Our "relationship" has had issues and I'm a bit nervous about meeting everyone in one go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orbinator · 17/11/2011 12:52

Yes, it goes around in my head every day about him not being here with us in the week. But then a lot of dad's work late during the week and don't see their kids or partner much. At least when he is here he does everything right.

OP posts:
TobyLeWolef · 17/11/2011 12:55

He is not obliged to spend Christmas with you.

But whatever happens, there is no point in 'secretly hoping' he'll choose you over his family. Tell him what you want. Find out what he's going to do. Make your decision from there.

Passive-aggression isn't the way to conduct a relationship.

TheSecondComing · 17/11/2011 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 17/11/2011 12:59

Lots of fathers have to work away during the week, your bf is no different to those.

Why can't you move nearer his work, I'd never expect a man to travel 8 hours to get to work so he could live with me, Im sorry but you would have to move at least half way to make things fair.

I'd let him go to see his mother she may be old.

VivaLeBeaver · 17/11/2011 12:59

Are you sure he's not married to someone else?

FabbyChic · 17/11/2011 13:00

If she had said he worked 4/8 hours away to start with, and that his mother was in NZ that would have put a different spin on it I think.

ChristinedePizanne · 17/11/2011 13:01

He is not your partner OP. He is a cocklodger. Hoping is not going to make him into a decent father. This is not a relationship, however much you want it to be. Tell him to sod off - both you and your DD deserve so much better.

Although you have been told this many times on all your threads. I really think you would benefit from some therapy to work on your self-esteem.

Cherriesarelovely · 17/11/2011 13:01

I understand some aspects of your situation OP. I understand that your DP works away (so does mine) but that he is great with you DD when he is home. What I don't understand is why he doesn't pay anything to support her? That is madness. In this situation I wouldn't be taking that long of a flight and paying out that much money to spend an awkward christmas with relatives I've never met. You may feel really uncomfortable with them because you feel uncomfortable within your relationship. I think your DP should absolutely spend christmas with you and your DD.

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