to be a bit miffed DP wants to spend Xmas away from his new DD?

[Orbinator]

DD is 3.5 M/O and her dad and I don't live together. He visits every weekend and I have no doubt he is besotted with her, but he doesn't really have much responsibility towards her; he can go out drinking in the week and still sends money to his brothers when they are in need although he won't make regular payments to me. He says he loves me and has talked about marriage several times in the last 2 weeks.

Last weekend he said that he is really upset that he won't get to see his family at Xmas, even though he was invited to stay with his mum, as he knows I won't want him to be away for over 2 weeks. Of course I felt I hadn't much choice but to say it was OK, but secretly I'm really hoping he will choose his DD and me over his brothers and Mum. I'm pretty sure he now is going to take this as a green light (I think he may have been angling for me to feel guilty). AIBU? I do want him to catch up with them, but the thought of Xmas alone with DD is really depressing me

She's fallen asleep on me now so can type again - feel I have to rush it all out while I get time!

His reasoning is (we have talked about it all, well I've made a point of talking about it anyway) that@

1. Travelling 8 hours a day doesn't work and when he doesn't have to then he will move in - hopefully end Dec
2. He would rather tell friends face to face than on FB or email.
3. His boss hired him as a singleton so he would be able to travel abroad without needing to be at home with family. Boss also has girls so I think could actually be sympathetic, but hey-ho!
4. I have money as I wouldn't have had a baby on my own if not. He doesn't really get buying clothes as it's not his area and actually pulled me up on him buying nappies for the first time when he was paying for my food shop a couple of weeks ago. He will pay for my food when he is here - which he eats too - as I am BFing but that seems to be all he is happy to buy. We decorated mugs (one for us and one for his mum) the other week which he paid for and he will pay for taxi's but her nappies/clothes/wash bits etc, my household bills/gardener etc are all for me. I'm having trouble finding the line but it has got blurred as he doesn't live here. He has actually said that he wants to keep savings for his retirement. He thinks it's OK for me as I have a house but if he puts it all on the line he could end up with nothing. It's very selfish but he also said DD is alright as she has a lot to inherit, so he is basically covering his own arse.
5. He is scared to tell people in case it goes tits up. But all of my friends know and have met him. I have only met his brother (he needed somewhere to stay in UK for a week) but no friends.

Stirrings...will come back to this later. I hope you guys can see partly where I am coming from. I can see part of his side but think perhaps because I was happy to go it alone I'm not pushing as much for him to be as responsible as he should be. I think perhaps I don't feel I have a right, considering how we met.

thats what i get for not reading the whole thread. what a interesting situation.

He is being an utter, utter arse Orbinator. It doesn't matter how much money you have, if he wants to be part of her life then he has to contribute to her upbringing.

I assume he is shagging you on the weekends he is being a dad? Can you not see how fucked this is? He isn't telling anyone about you (are you sure the clothes are really from his mum?) - you and your DD are a dirty little secret.

As I said earlier - you deserve better than this, even if he is the bio dad of your DD. And so does she.

He doesn't want to pay for his dd because he wants money for his retirement?

That is not on.

Make all the excuses under the sun but,and I hate to say this you are nuts and he is a sponger of the first order.Again I say save up for your daughter's long term therapy.

He won't buy nappies?! What the actual fuck?!

Also you say you're worried about him telling his family that you won't let him go home for Christmas. So what? If I told my DP he couldn't go home for Christmas (not that I'd have to) his mum would say something along the lines of "too right. You'll spend Christmas with your partner and baby - where you should be"

He's an arse OP. you keep saying you hope well see where you're coming from, but I wish you'd see where we're coming from!

what an absolute mug you are, OP

you won't hear it though, will you ?

what are you actually posting for ?

he has it all sewn up

and he has you all sewn up

you won't convince us all is ok, because it isn't

if just one person gives a tiny hope it can work out, that is all you will hear

we are all actually wasting our time, tbh

Have you pointed out that the caa will take 20% of his salary if you get them involved or is he thick enough not to know that?

Csa

Yeah, OK. I wouldn't be posting on here if he was perfect. I do see it and have seen it from previous threads. Maybe I'm being too optimistic about him and a happy future. I think it's more that I need to let it out and get to grips with what I actually want from him and what we really need from him.

If he can't provide them, which at times he does but can't really do fully without living here and being a bit more open, then we will have to sort out another arrangement. I'm confident he will leave the country if we separate and in the future possibly tell DD it was my fault for not wanting him. As I said before, I can't help how I feel about him and would be very sad to feel he just needed more time before giving us his full potential, which I can see, just not always feel.

I'm just wondering if it will continue to get better as it has been and whether for the time being I should just suck it up...but obv from hearing you guys I've done quite enough of that already. I've always said I will try to make it work as I hate thinking I'd regret pushing him away because he just needed time or for me to convince him it won't fall apart. That's the catch22 - he won't commit to telling people because he's scared it will dissolve and yet the more he hides us the more likely I am to walk.

Jeez, I need to make my supper, where do the days go!?

Maras2 - I'm pretty sure everyone gets counselling at some point but thank you for your comment.

Viva - he had that pointed out to him while we were broken up but I'm really not after his money. That was something that dragged out our break up as he was being advised that I was after his! I'd rather he was just here more often and happy to pay for the little things for his DD.

If he loves his dd the way you says he does then he will a) not move away or b) not be pushed away. Nothing would make me leave my dc.

BTW you and your dd are very lovely you really could both do an awful lot better.

I'm confident he will leave the country if we separate and in the future possibly tell DD it was my fault for not wanting him

I'm confident that your DD will realise that the parent who stayed with her, looked after her, mopped her brow when she was sick, took photos when she was happy, bought all her nappies and, well, was there was the one who loved her and won't blame you one little bit for not wanting someone who wouldn't commit to the two of you.

Orbinator, reading your posts is the nearest I can come to feeling despair. And I am not using the term lightly or metaphorically, but literally. You should be in a good place right now; you have the child you craved (why else would you consider using a sperm donor?) and you are financially secure enough to allow you to not work until your daughter is at school. But you must have been very emotionally vulnerable to have embarked on this course, and he is a bastard of the first water to toy with your head at all, never mind to the extend that he has done.

You clearly cannot (will not?) see the damage he is causing to you. I can only hope that if you cannot protect yourself, your instincts will force you to protect your daughter. You claim she will turn on you later for pushing him away. I think it far more likely she will turn on you if you do not; and force her to have a childhood ridden with emotional insecurity foisted upon her by a fuckwit sometime-father-sometime-not-depends-how-I-feel-this-week and a delusional mother who thinks a fuckwit-father-figure is better than none (or the very nice father figure she might have had if her mother had got her head out of her arse and done something about it).

Do not do this to your child. You are all she has; and if you do the right thing, you are all she needs.

"I've always said I will try to make it work as I hate thinking I'd regret pushing him away because he just needed time or for me to convince him it won't fall apart. That's the catch22 - he won't commit to telling people because he's scared it will dissolve and yet the more he hides us the more likely I am to walk"

You might reget it if you pushed him away - he just needs time - AND convincing it won't fall apart - he's scared it will dissolve and THATS why he won't tell people about you and his baby and why he hides you....

The poor poor man..

.

As long as women keep entertaining and having sex with pricks like this, we will all have to bear the cost of paying for their selfishness.

Is he married?

WhereYouLeftIt just managed to say what I was trying to soooo much better than I did so I will repeat it Do not do this to your child. You are all she has; and if you do the right thing, you are all she needs.

SirBoobAlot was only half right.

Sorry.

Thanks for the posts.

I've been trying to put the past into the past and start afresh but unfortunately the same problems are still occurring. Namely that he is still keeping us secret, e.g: I know FB isn't the be all and end all but my friend posted a congratulations on the birth on his wall and he msg'd her saying he'd appreciate her not to post about our DD as he hasn't told his friends, and removed her post. He also has set his privacy settings so people can't see if I tag him in pics or post on his wall and I can't see other people's posts...very immature IMO and have told him so. He is insisting this is just what FB privacy controls suggested. I KNOW this isn't true and have told him so but it hasn't changed it despite me bringing it up three times now. I've tried not to get annoyed about it as he thinks it is very petty to even be on FB let alone posting about kids which in his eyes is the ultimate no-no apparently. I've explained I'm proud of my daughter and so will post regardless - I don't think it is so wrong? Tbh I can't see how he ISN'T so proud he'd like a pic of her on there (she is gorgeous and the spit of him). I've also said that if he can't even be open with me on FB then really what is the point but he keeps saying he hates FB and it doesn't mean anything.

I just can't ignore how good he is with her and how lovely the weekends are though. If he was completely useless or bad with her and didn't seem to care then I wouldn't be wondering. He even carried her pram down all of the stairs at Oxford Circus this weekend. That sounds quite silly now I've typed it . Does all of the good stuff count for nothing?

it isn't "immaturity" alone that makes him hide the existence of his daughter on FB

he carried her pram

ok

Father of the Year, obvs

if some people havdn't vouched for your authenticity on this thread, I would be pressing report right now

He carried her pram? What a saint.

He is playacting at being a daddy when it suits him. Any decent father would be yelling from the rooftops that he has a beautiful baby, not keeping it secret. Your daughter deserves better, and it's up to you to protect her from this idiot.

AF, why do you think this thread warrants reporting?

Every bloody time I ask opinions on this guy people seem to think it's bullcrap. Unfortunately it's not, it's very real. It's not exactly what I wanted which is why I am asking opinions of the best way forward; it's very complicated and involved and I want to do what is best for everyone. I think I even have pics on here as I've not posted under another name.

I think the thread has prob run it's course anyway.

You're not getting the answers you want, so the thread has "run its course"?

The best way forward is to read the riot act to this guy and tell him he's either an open, honest father who is proud of his daughter, or he reverts to being just a sperm donor with no further claim or contact. Something in-between is just a joke.

He's her father - whether his relationship with you works out is irrelevant. Being her father isn't a condition of whether he's your boyfriend or not. If he can't separate his relationship with you with his duty as a father then he's not worth the effort.