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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit miffed DP wants to spend Xmas away from his new DD?

203 replies

Orbinator · 17/11/2011 03:06

DD is 3.5 M/O and her dad and I don't live together. He visits every weekend and I have no doubt he is besotted with her, but he doesn't really have much responsibility towards her; he can go out drinking in the week and still sends money to his brothers when they are in need although he won't make regular payments to me. He says he loves me and has talked about marriage several times in the last 2 weeks.

Last weekend he said that he is really upset that he won't get to see his family at Xmas, even though he was invited to stay with his mum, as he knows I won't want him to be away for over 2 weeks. Of course I felt I hadn't much choice but to say it was OK, but secretly I'm really hoping he will choose his DD and me over his brothers and Mum. I'm pretty sure he now is going to take this as a green light (I think he may have been angling for me to feel guilty). AIBU? I do want him to catch up with them, but the thought of Xmas alone with DD is really depressing me Sad

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 17/11/2011 17:08

if it was an unregulated arrangement, is he really exempt from paying child support?

just asking.

I can't see this turning into a proper relationship.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/11/2011 17:15

If it's unregulated then of course he is supposed to pay maintenance if you're not living together.

Are you working OP ? How on earth are you managing the cost of everything if you're not?

PigletJohn · 17/11/2011 17:18

Then Orbs should get her hands on some of his money, for the child's sake.

Eglu · 17/11/2011 17:36

Orb I know you from an antenatal thread. You need to make sure that the money side of things is all official first.

As for the relationship side of things, only you can decide if it is worth trying, but imho I think he has life great just now and he has no reason to change things.

Please sort out finance for your and your DDs sake

AnyFucker · 17/11/2011 17:41

This is a really upsetting and disturbing thread

OP, you missed rather a lot out of your didn't you ?

I don't actually know what the fuck to say

AnyFucker · 17/11/2011 17:41

out of your OP

ChristinedePizanne · 17/11/2011 17:54

If he is not on the birth certificate then the OP will need to pursue him through the courts once she's proved paternity. God knows what the outcome would be but it would be very traumatic and costly I suspect.

Orbinator - you said on another thread that you were prepared and had completely thought through how you would parent alone. Please do that - I think it would be much better for you and your DD in the long run. I'm a lone parent by choice and went through a clinic for my donor. I have to say that reading this makes me thank my lucky stars that I did - this whole situation sounds horribly confusing and messy

JamieComeHome · 17/11/2011 17:58

What a mess Sad

PeneloPeePitstop · 17/11/2011 18:07

wtveryf?

ChristinedePizanne · 17/11/2011 18:08

Sorry, I meant to add that I adore being a single parent to my DS - he is fabulous and we have a great time together. There is no way in the world I'd swap what I have for what you have. Honestly, this part-time bullshit with you in a permanent state of anxiety really isn't worth it.

You can do this on your own you know, you really, really can :)

JamieComeHome · 17/11/2011 18:15

sorry - to answer your earlier question - "why would he do that if he doesn't care?"

He does it because it makes him feel and look good at the term, and it's easy for him. Being a partner and father is about doing the hard things, and taking complete and joint responsibilty

JamieComeHome · 17/11/2011 18:16

sorry "at the time"

pigletmania · 17/11/2011 18:19

Just read the link for her other thread, my goodness what a mess. I personally would end the relationship, and pursue him for maintenance through CSA. I gather her dd was borne out of the relationship they had, not when he was donating sperm so might be on the birth certificate.

JamieComeHome · 17/11/2011 18:25

me too. I don't think your daughter deserves this.

mumeeee · 17/11/2011 18:48

YANBU to want your DP to spend Christmas with you and your DD. But you need to tell him you want him to spend it with you and not his family. Why can't you all visit his family sometime around Christmas. Also why doesn't he live with you?

Original poster
Orbinator · 17/11/2011 18:59

I just got home and read through all of the comments.
OK - background was that I did think very long and hard about being a single mum through choice - that was the idea. I wanted to meet the donor so that I could see he really was who he said he was. If you can imagine someone tall dark with blue eyes could be a bit gangly/nose-picker, etc and I wanted to get the feel for the guy before having a child of his. I hope some of you see the sense in that? It's not to everyone's taste but I wanted to feel comfortable with him before going through with it. So that is what we did, took it quite slowly and got to check each other out a bit. Yes, in hindsight having anonymous sperm would have been better. I didn't want to co-parent with him at all and he was just going to get pictures and email updates initially. However, in the weeks before we actually conceived we fell for each other when on a 10 day holiday. He said it first and I agreed I was going to find it hard not seeing him again in the week as we had got on so well. That's how it all started; we agreed to give the relationship a go and if it wasn't good to drop it. However he never showed he was worried but at 16 weeks walked out. I was very hormonal and angry as that was what I had wanted to avoid with other men. It got very messy and angry and we both said nasty things to each other. However about two months before I gave birth we became amicable again and it has just improved steadily from there. OK, it couldn't have got much worse, but he really was adamant he wanted to be part of DD's life. I felt that after our relationship (5 months) he had a right to at least meet her. I really can't explain how good he is with her. I probably sound completely pathetic trying to make a go of it with him, but I figure he is going to be in my life now regardless as I'd never stop him seeing her.
Sorry for lack of punctuation/para's - DD is trying to help me type!

Oh and re: finances, I am financially secure in that I own my own house with no mortgage and have enough savings not to work until she is appx 6. Once she is in school or nursery though I will prob take on part time work just to supplement and get my brain out off goo-goo mode.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orbinator · 17/11/2011 19:05

he isn't on the BC. I just feel if he is going to play dad then he should pay equal. If not he should revert to donor, but he doesn't want to. His family all know and his mum and I get on well - she even sent some clothes over for her.

I should add that before this all happened he was very career driven. His work is all he feels he has to fall back on if it all goes pear shaped again. He is worried he will tell everyone (boss, friends in NZ, etc) and then it will fall apart and he will have to explain what happened to his "family". I've pointed out the more he hides it the less likely I am to stay as it shows no commitment whatsoever.

Anyway, this is all going back over old ground and I know what most of you will say. All I can do say that if I wasn't with him I'd get the lump in my throat feeling if he was with someone else. He is attractive and clever with a good job and loves my DD. He just doesn't seem to have clicked into father mode 100%.

OP posts:
JamieComeHome · 17/11/2011 19:10

This is all about you. You need to think about how you'll feel, how your daughter will feel when he lets her down. Sorry to sound harsh

Original poster
Orbinator · 17/11/2011 19:18

Yes, but what about DD? Surely she'll not appreciate me for not being with him when he is the one saying it's what he wants too? We have lovely weekends together and he brings me tea/toast in bed and takes her so I can lie in, which is more than a lot of friends hubbies do. If it continues to get better and we live together then our finances will be more or less as one and there won't be much to complain about.

I'm going to be honest with him about Xmas but I think he'll tell his family that I'm not letting him go. I know, another reason not to stay with him... I really do know all of this but I can't help how I feel about him. I wonder if we did live together if it would actually be better or worse, but at least then I could make an informed decision. At the moment I feel we get half of him, which is great at the time but then in the week we get put onto the back burner. But don't all men do this to some extent, when they are working?

OP posts:
youtalkintome · 17/11/2011 19:21

Well then if your going to let him play dad he needs to play all of dad not just part of dad. That starts by coming to a financial agreement about what he should pay arrangement about access b days and Christmas's all the logistics. Your relationship should really come second fiddle to his being her father. If he is willing to do all of this you will see he is committed to you both if not then i'd tell him to sling his hook.

I think the mistake you both made was becoming romantically involved and then not putting the baby making on hold whilst you saw where it went. Now it's horribly messy. I do really feel for you but i'm imagining ( or hoping) you must be a strong determined person to decide to have a baby alone don't fuck it all up and become weak over some loser . Sorry that's harsh.

youtalkintome · 17/11/2011 19:24

It's easy to be lovely for a couple of hours on the weekend btw. He can still have a good relationship with your dd if you work at it now and decide on the boundaries and test his commitment. You sound like you are financially very comfortable, he sounds like he has found somebody financially comfortable.

JamieComeHome · 17/11/2011 19:24

He say the moon's made cheese, but it's what he does, and does consistently which is the measure of his commitment to her.

And no, men who love their partners and children don't put their families on the back burner

JamieComeHome · 17/11/2011 19:25

sorry he can say the moon's made of cheese

yellowraincoat · 17/11/2011 19:29

"He doesn't seem to have clicked into father mode"? Come on lady! What if you "just hadn't clicked into mother mode"? Would you have just left your child with someone else?

As others have said, occassional nice gestures mean nothing if there's no commitment, no planning together.

He needs to wise up.

samwellsbutt · 17/11/2011 19:34

why are you playing games? i know we all hope our oh's will be magic mind readers and do exactly what we want even if we say something else but really if you say its ok for him to go away, even if he should know better then he can always say you said he can go when you get upset and resentful when he does go.

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