to be a bit miffed DP wants to spend Xmas away from his new DD?

[Orbinator]

DD is 3.5 M/O and her dad and I don't live together. He visits every weekend and I have no doubt he is besotted with her, but he doesn't really have much responsibility towards her; he can go out drinking in the week and still sends money to his brothers when they are in need although he won't make regular payments to me. He says he loves me and has talked about marriage several times in the last 2 weeks.

Last weekend he said that he is really upset that he won't get to see his family at Xmas, even though he was invited to stay with his mum, as he knows I won't want him to be away for over 2 weeks. Of course I felt I hadn't much choice but to say it was OK, but secretly I'm really hoping he will choose his DD and me over his brothers and Mum. I'm pretty sure he now is going to take this as a green light (I think he may have been angling for me to feel guilty). AIBU? I do want him to catch up with them, but the thought of Xmas alone with DD is really depressing me

Where do you see this going for the future op?

The saddest thing for me was seeing the post of the OP using whether this man will change his facebook settings as some kind of barometer of their relationship and his interest in his daughter. Checking after 20 minutes of the 'settings' talk?

I'd say that you'd have to be pretty damaged to crave such 'nothingness' and continue to drop your standards farther and farther in a desperate attempt to find the level at which he'll engage. :(

OP... He's not for you. You have to accept that. He doesn't want you. If he is interested in his daughter at all, it doesn't follow that you come as a 'package'. Sorry. Please break away now, for your daughter's sake. Do you want this 'drama' as a constant in her life? She doesn't deserve it. She deserves a mum (as least) who has her as the focus.

The bottom line for me is that he is not making you happy. A good relationship isn't supposed to drain you of emotional energy and make you experience all these negative feelings.

I'm married to a lovely man but he grew up in a house where the ups and downs of his parents' dramas were paramount and it wasn't pleasant for him.

I had no idea that a picture of a pregnant woman with her belly out was so offensive to a forum of mothers. Of course, how foolish of me. I joined this for the antenatal threads and to get advice, but of course posting a picture of yourself in a pregnant state with your tummy out must mean I am somehow demented? Have no shame? I was proud of my belly and the fact I was pregnant. Apologies if that offends you.

Thank you all for your opinions.

I didn't realise it was so revealing, true. The tiny strip of giant unattractive maternity bra must be what people think it OTT.

For anyone who is actually interested I have told him he can see his daughter next weekend and I will express for as many hours as he likes. He just needs to tell me how many hours and which day. I've asked him to keep our relationship strictly about his daughter.

I know the fb thing was a sad measure and said so. What is sadder is that he couldn't find his way to doing it even after saying he would.

I've got a busy day with friends and their babies today and won't be on here again. But thank you to all of those who have helped and given good advice.

We are all interested Orbinator - we want you to be happy and this man is making you unhappy. People are being honest because it's so very obvious from the outside how wrong this situation is.

You and your DD will be much better off without you trying to cobble together something approximating a relationship with him and focusing on being a fabulous single parent.

Thanks guys - I do appreciate it all. I was trying to cobble it together as said, but can see now that me on my own will be better for DD than being messed around any more. She is a gorgeous girl and very giggly and happy as it is. Got to run now but thanks again to you all for pointing me in the right direction. I do feel I have made the right decision now.

Good luck to you and your daughter, Orbinator.

Weird tangent re the profile pic

Its a picture of a beautiful bump, OP I dont think you need to take any of that nonsense on board.

I really hope you can do so much better for your dd without this failure of a man in your life, every bit of energy and happiness he drains out of you is being taken out of your daughters life.

Tell him to leave, he is not welcome in your home or your life and if you can afford to I would not pursue him for money. Make him vanish, becuase he brings nothing. You can do so well on your own.

• I really hope you realise

Hi there, Orbinator, am really, REALLY pleased you have decided to bin this toxic man. I think you will be a lot happier without him in your life.

The thing is, it seems odd that you have let yourself get into this situation, - from your pic you are v attractive, you are financially stable enough to support yourself for SIX YEARS until your DD is older (which I assume points to a good career/hard work/sensible money choices over the years) and you had the strength of purpose to choose to have a longed-for child without the backup of a partner.

Which is why its so gob-smacking that you seem to have tumbled into this incredibly damaging r/ship.

Treat him as the sperm donor you always intended him to be.

Hope everything goes ok

Nothing at all wrong with the pic

TBH I can't abide the porn photo on your profile pic OP....I think I saw your bra and I'm only 37years old. Worse thing is it looks like you put on zero weight in your PG which is a crime in my book, so I kind of wish you calories well.

Seriously I can't imagine how you're in a relationship with a man whose child you have but don't live with and, by the sounds of it, doesn't really want to commit to you.

Enjoy your baby but move on.

oops.....well done, don't go backwards.

cant believe people feel they have a right to comment on your profile pic outrageous. profile pic is fine you can have what ever you want as your pic. sheesh people will pick on anything.

I dunno about the pic....it was originally posted when the OP was on a messageboard about pregnancy, bumps, babies and all the rest of it. So what if you can see her bra? I don't think it's that weird.

It WOULD be weird if she'd posted it on a dating profile/job application/professional website etc.

OP I'm more worried you think your baby's father is a good dad when he's not even willing to mention her to his boss/work colleagues/friends.

And the not buying nappies or clothes thing- that's shocking beyond words.

You have to grow the fuck up and start putting your daughter first. She doesn't need all of this ridiculous drama in her life.

I fear it was too late for that, even before the poor kid was conceived. You seem to have treated everything as a game you can be in charge of, with no thought for what it will be like in reality for the poor child.

Very very sad

Your profile pic is lovely.

OP, HAve you had any sort of honest counselling?

I think you need to ask yourself why and how you managed to get into this situation?