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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit miffed DP wants to spend Xmas away from his new DD?

203 replies

Orbinator · 17/11/2011 03:06

DD is 3.5 M/O and her dad and I don't live together. He visits every weekend and I have no doubt he is besotted with her, but he doesn't really have much responsibility towards her; he can go out drinking in the week and still sends money to his brothers when they are in need although he won't make regular payments to me. He says he loves me and has talked about marriage several times in the last 2 weeks.

Last weekend he said that he is really upset that he won't get to see his family at Xmas, even though he was invited to stay with his mum, as he knows I won't want him to be away for over 2 weeks. Of course I felt I hadn't much choice but to say it was OK, but secretly I'm really hoping he will choose his DD and me over his brothers and Mum. I'm pretty sure he now is going to take this as a green light (I think he may have been angling for me to feel guilty). AIBU? I do want him to catch up with them, but the thought of Xmas alone with DD is really depressing me Sad

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 17/11/2011 23:38

Oh love. This guy is a total dick, and you both are worth 100 of him. Yes the little things count - but frankly I have friends that do more than that.

I am being harsh but honest, because it was the same I recieved when I posted on here about my ex, and you know what, sometimes the truth hurts. And you need to know it.

This guy is denying any connection to you and his child. He is not a partner, he is not a father.

AnyFucker · 17/11/2011 23:41

yes, the thread has run its course for you

I get that, and I see why

and I would be reporting for trollery, if I didn't sadly think this was genuine

I didn't think anyone was this deluded, but clearly I am wrong

I really hope you wake up very, very soon

Original poster
Orbinator · 17/11/2011 23:45

No CatPower, it's not because I'm not getting the answers I "want" but because it seemed to have slowed down and AF seemed to think it wasn't even real anyway.

I've asked him yet again to unblock me on FB as it means a lot to me that he is proud of his daughter and will accept photo tags of her on there. I will let you know if he does it. Even though it sounds small and probably petty it will be possibly the biggest gesture of honesty to not just me and his DD, but also to his "friends" on there, that I've seen from him. How sad is that? :(

If he can't do that then I think I'll admit defeat. It's FB for f's sake - half of the people on there probably haven't spoken to him in years anyway!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/11/2011 23:53

i just told you I thought it was real (unfortunately)

IneedAbetterNickname · 17/11/2011 23:59

Wow, I have just read this entire thread. What a bizzare situation! I agree with everyone else though, he is an arse, get rid NOW!

And as for carrying her pram down the stairs Confused I have had random strangers do that, not sure what level of commitment it shows as a parent!

AnyFucker · 18/11/2011 00:00

a traffic warden once helped me carry a pram down The Tube stairs

go figure

samwellsbutt · 18/11/2011 00:01

the reason people think its unreal op is because its frankly unbelievable that someone would continue to put themselves or child in this position over and over again. you deserve a whole lot better than being his part time family that no one knows about, especially your dd.

SirBoobAlot · 18/11/2011 00:02

Think about what you have just said, hun. Really. If this was a thread you read on here, or if a friend had talked to you about it, what would your reaction be? This hs sincerely said with love. But neither you or your daughter deserve to be denied or held in limbo.

maras2 · 18/11/2011 00:02

I've just seen your profile picture and now I know that you are real I conclude that you are bonkers.What the heck kind of picture is that to put on a public forum.Have a bit of dignity woman.

AnyFucker · 18/11/2011 00:03

maras2, pointless comment

samwellsbutt · 18/11/2011 00:04

maras that is very out of order.

Original poster
Orbinator · 18/11/2011 00:11

AF we x posted.
Maras2 I think I can put whatever picture I like on my own profile. Maybe it says more about you not having one of your own? You didn't have to look, after all.

Thanks SirBoob, your posts are lovely and because you actually sound nice it means more than others. Funny how the haters make their advice sound so petty and meaningless by being nasty!

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 18/11/2011 00:13

Maras, that's just damn rude.

AnyFucker · 18/11/2011 00:14

I don't hate you, OP

what a daft thing to say

I hate that man you are trying, but failing, to make into a decent partner [shrug]

maras2 · 18/11/2011 00:16

You're quite right and I apologise unreservedly.I seem to have got carried away.Please accept this.

AnyFucker · 18/11/2011 00:18

you ok maras ?

Hardgoing · 18/11/2011 00:20

Oh dear, what a sad tale. I'm afraid actions (apart from carrying buggies) speak louder than words and by not putting his daughter on Facebook, and not taking you to be with his family and not giving you any money for your daughter, he is telling you something very loudly, much louder than any idle talk of marriage. The question is: do you want to listen?

maras2 · 18/11/2011 00:24

Yes thanks AF.Just got abit too caught up in the thread and typed without thinking things through.Not quite used to doing things solo,more used to bouncing opinions off DH so tend to be a bit of a ratbag if not pulled up.

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 18/11/2011 00:25

I remember your thread (that was subsequently deleted I think?) when you thought he was with someone else but he was angling after moving in with you after an operation...

I can't believe that you're still pushing for this relationship OP.

SirBoobAlot · 18/11/2011 00:27

Orb, if you want to message me to chat / rant / let off steam, please do. I know my situation isn't exactly the same, but I do sympathise with less-than-perfect circamstances and making then best of them.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 18/11/2011 00:28

This man is a parasitic bellend who knows he's onto a good thing. Actually, though, quite a lot of not-that-bad-really men might be tempted to take advantage of a woman as desperate as the OP, but unfortunately this one is enjoying how much grief and stress he can cause her, because he's managed to pick an absolute prizewinner in the self-loathing bunnyboiler stakes.
Orb, you need some professional help. This man doesn;t love you and never will, and you need to learn to at least like YOURSELF before you try to have any kind of couple-relationship.

Original poster
Orbinator · 18/11/2011 00:39

Thanks SirBoob, and Maras apology accepted.

He's agreed to change the settings now so I can post a pic up of him, but he was pretty annoyed about it and said he'd rather delete the whole thing. I never thought I'd be fighting for someone to keep a FB account, but it means diddly squat if people can't actually see the damn thing!

Am however not impressed that he was angry and even less so that he sounded drunk. Hmm

Here's his text after mine asking him to unblock me and accept pics of DD

"I would have cancelled the total and utter self indulgent nonsense by now if it wasn't for your protests. I've got to say, I really do find the whole thing tedious. FB is for boring people with nothing better to do with their time. That and marketing. I find people who spam me with photos of their useless child when, really the world couldn't care less, rather boring really. Do we really want to be that trite? DD is the best child in the world, this is obvious. But do we really have to be so boring and post nonsense like the rest of he drones? Of course I can disengage my firewall and let Nigerian con men access my DOB, opening myself to viruses and identity theft at the nearest possible opportunity. But I'd rather not."

Somehow manages to imply that my postings about DD make me a drone and trite Hmm. It's not anything to do with his security settings, it's me posting and tagging he's blocked! Never had his DOB on there anyway!

And after all that and 20mins after him agreeing to change his settings...yup, nothing has changed on his FB.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orbinator · 18/11/2011 00:51

SolidGold - I do like myself actually. I didn't used to but actually this is the worst thing in my life, possibly why I posted about it?

Yes, I am aware that that in itself says a lot.

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 18/11/2011 01:02

Ease off a bit, SGB. Few low blows in there.

Latest text says a lot, I think. Part of me would like to encourage you to get drunk, then reply "fuck you then". But that's probably not very helpful...
It may just be facebook, but in this instance think it represents quite a lot.

Original poster
Orbinator · 18/11/2011 01:07

SirBoob thanks again. I'm glad the FB thing doesn't sound too weird. I'm aware its not everyone's cup of tea, but admitting he has a daughter on there would actually make me believe he is a little bit serious at least.

As it is he has still done nothing and I assume fallen asleep drunk.

I'll leave it until the morning and then tell him not to bother coming down this weekend as it's clearly not important to him to make me feel he is in any way proud of us.

He'll blame FB of course.

OP posts: