to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

And remember she is the one being rude and weird. You have nothing to feel bad or be humiliated about, it was perfectly reasonably to phone up and confirm.

What Lydia said.

How did the phonecall finish? We're you mates or were you cool with her?

She sounds a twat! Senior partner FFS! I hope your DH can find some way of making sure that gets around so they look desperate.

oh no pleeeeeeeeeeeease reply to the round robin,

let everyone know what a nasty piece of work she is.

you have a good old cry

Oh God know, tell them what has happened, hold your head high because they will be asking why you aren't going.

Op. You were very brave taking the bull by the horns & phoning for an explanation. Now politely decline the invite. She is no friend.

good post, epiphny.

repeat after us... 'she is the one being rude and weird'.

What an utter turd she is.

I'm tempted to get married just so I can invite you. To the whole thing.

Whoa. I can't believe that. I was so sure nobody could be that much of a dick.

Also, depression sucks, and I know how hard it makes things like that phone call, especially if you're shy anyway. You should be very, very proud of yourself for making it.

Oh no. Don't cry. She is sooooooo not worth your tears. Save them for something more important. I don't know... Eastenders perhaps?

Actually I think you're right not to rush into replying to the round-robin email, if you're upset and maybe had a drink , best not to risk saying things that might be regretted. You have the moral high ground here, keep it that way!

Maybe tomorrow though!

I would write and post an uber-formal regrets (in the proper third person style).

I would want mutual friends to know the reason for non-attendance. I would simply restrict it to bare facts (ie do not need room, not invited to reception; sad to be missing, but under these circs unable to be there). Do not put anything at all about the boss people in writing.

I am so sorry you're going through this. You may well be better off without her - her standards just don't match yours, do they?

So, to answer your thread post title -- YANBU and no. What a git she is. Decline and move on.

The only person she has humiliated is herself.

Send her a book on social skills as wedding present.

Repeat she is the one being rude and weird...

How did you leave it with her?

She most definitely is the one being rude and weird. Appalling manners - to not even have the decency to write her own bloody crass notes. "darlings" - bleurgh. and that's just a tiny part of her shocking manners and behaviour.

Loopy rude weirdo.

what a bitch that woman is! (can't bring myself to call her a friend)

please let at least one of the wider group know the truth though, or they are going to wonder why you're not there

you've been really brave about this, you are obviously far too good for her

Sorry, my previous post crossed with, well, everyone, and with your update on the phone call.

What a grade-A bitch your "friend" is. I'm sorry, but my criteria for inviting people to my wedding was not based on who I wanted to impress, but on whether I had genuine affection for someone. I'm sorry that she has been so hurtful to you.

Tell her where she can stick her invitation.

Bitch.

IMO dont apologise, dont explain, just dont go.

A very simple reply to the invitation would be:

'Thank you for the invitation to your wedding but we have to decline. DH & I wish you all the best for the future'

Then cut her out of your life and dont bother sending a Christmas card.

In years to come when she finally grows up she will undoubtedly look back on this and cringe.

You do need to reply to the email cause it won't be the last, there will be loads.

This must be so hurtful from somebody you considered a friend.

at what a cow your 'friend' is! Honestly, you must be hurting but you are so much better off without the selfish bitch.

Please don't go, and find a suitably passive-aggressive way of letting her know what a bitch she has been whilst holding your head high.

I bet your mutual friends will (possibly privately) be thinking the exact same thing as MNers, and will be furious on your behalf. You'll find out who your true friends are!

FWIW I wouldn't advise you to badmouth her in any way to your friends. If they ask, tell them you weren't invited but don't make anything else of it. Her actions will speak for themselves.

I was too humiliated to know what to say. I just said, well have a lovely day then and hung up. She is being rude and wierd, but it cuts so close. I've known her for so long, she's one of the few people I've confided in about my depression.