to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

OK Kitten - so what were the intimacies she shared with you. Surely you could use that to guide your present choice - a huge vibrator 'to make up for what she's missing' maybe?

I know that this would be bringing you down her her level - but we could have fun helping you choose!

Excellent e-mail, Kitten, I expect your husband will give the wedding a miss also but it's very charitable of you to suggest that he can go without you. I think he should swerve it and go and catch the sun with you earlier, instead.

Hope you have a nice holiday.

Any news?

What did you decide kitten?

bump

I might take a slightly different tack. Tell the round robin people that you won't be making the long trip because of the circumstances but because you won't be attending you'd like to buy your own personal gift for the bride and groom. Be factual but a little bit of "Whilst I do feel somewhat hurt by her decision I understand the limitations of space mean yada yada yads" Then you go out and buy a simply gorgeous gift. Something that smacks of kindness, generosity and an intimate knowledge of the bride's tastes and preferences that only a lifelong intimate friend would be aware of. You enjoy your holiday safe in the knowledge that your behaviour has been beyond reproach.

Aaaaaah the air smells good up there on the moral high ground.......

Kittens can be beyond reproach by staying away from the wedding and buying a small gift!

Weddings are one of those occasions when you find out who your true friends are. Twice I've had friends who I thought I was close to not invite me to their weddings. On both occasions, they invited people I thought they were less close to.

I think Kittens has handled it very well, but it still feels hurtful: it makes you question your own judgement. You think: am I really so unlikeable that I don't deserve an invite? And: how come I'm such a poor judge of people that I didn't realise this person didn't care about me as much as I cared about her? So it's hard.

With the first friend, I keep a fairly distant contact. The second one is someone I haven't seen since before her wedding (not entirely down to me - she hasn't been in touch with me either). The way I've dealt with it is by rationalising it like this: I'm a good and loyal friend who supports my friends when they're in trouble. If they don't want that, it's their loss, not mine.

Oh my goodness OP - have only got as far in the thread as you calling her, BUT THAT IS EVEN WORSE. What an utter utter cow.

Friends stand up for people when they are depressed - they don't push them aside as they are embarassing company. I'm really glad you found out and didn't waste any more of your time on this dreadful couple.

Please make sure you and your DH have a fabulous day somewhere nice instead. Please don't respond anymore, just be cool and polite and distant.

Agree with other posters that Kitten has behaved impeccably and sounds like the sort of person anyone - well apparently almost anyone - would be proud to have as a friend.

However, I do not think that she should buy a particularly nice present because I think that it would be construed as her apologizing for declining the invitation. I am not sure that I would buy a present at all, if I did, it would be part of the group present, or something reasonable but not outstandingly beautiful or expensive.

Agree with Hackmum.

I think you have the right idea OP, go on your holiday and enjoy. Your friend has clearly got her priorities confused for this wedding. Sometimes people make mistakes (like thinking her DP's boss is more important than her friends) and you either make allowances to preserve the friendship or you decide the friendship isn't worth it and move on with your sense of self-worth intact. Frankly she doesn't sound like a friend you should waste any more time on.

Enjoy your holiday!!

I think Kittens is being too gracious, though. I'd be so tempted to send one of the following responses:

"Dear X, Thank you for the invitation to your wedding, which I am returning. Please shove it up your arse, you selfish, social-climbing bitch."

"Dear X, Thank you for the invitation to your wedding. For my response, please rearrange the following words into a well-known phrase or saying: Off. Fuck."

OP I jyst wanted to congratulate you on the amazing way you have handled this. Your friend is a grade A nob and you sound wonderful and mature to boot. As an aside, if her DP doesn't think thar the senior partner will see straight through his brown nosing, he is also a nob.

A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook the other day, I thought it might make you feel better about cutting your ex-friend loose:

There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it, and surround yourself with people that make you laugh so hard you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy.

Well done OP, have a lovely holiday!

OP, I'm wondering if it is the same wedding as one posted about on here the other day. In this case, someone had helped the bride choose something for the wedding (venue, or dress or something) and been invited to the hen night but not the wedding. They tried to fleece her for a deposit (although one hadn't been paid) when she dropped out.

What is it about weddings that makes some brides so selfish?

Enjoy your holiday OP, sorry you've had to discover your friend was like this.

WOW - OP you sound lovely and you've handled this with total dignity.

It's rare that I'm really by wedding threads and bridezillas but this woman is in a class of her own.

come on then - who started this?

bollocks thread from bridezilla apparently

Kittens - I'm so sorry I missed your thread. I think the email you sent to her was perfect. I am really sorry that you have been so hurt by someone you loved & trusted. She really is a nasty bit of work and you are worth so much more than that. I know that no matter how much you know that, it's still going to take some time to get over how much she's hurt you :( I hope she trips over her dress going up the aisle then spills red wine down it before the first dance.

I'd have been tempted to decline the invitation thus:

'X and Y regret that they are unable to attend, but have been holding that date for a close friend's wedding.'

Martha, that thread's been deleted. What was it about? Not being unpleasant about OP I hope?

I started it MarthasHarbour - and it wasn't at all intended to be unpleasant about the OP. It was a pisstake from the bride's perspective which showed how outrageous the bride was being by posting outlandish statements about how her husband 'Just had to climb the greasy pole of the corporate world'. Other posters disagreed, and thought it would cause offence. If the OP had seen it, I actually think she would understand the humour, but hey.

i woulden't go the last bit on note sounds awful that would hurt my feelings id be going other and other the note again just to see if i read it right and your close friends you should be at the reception sounds like cause shes getting married she has become a bit of a bridesmaid gorrilla.