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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

671 replies

IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:36

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

OP posts:
Catsycat · 15/11/2011 22:19

Is there another friend who would know what is going on, or could your DH mention it to her DP as they get on? It seems really weird that other friends are invited, especially as you were the one who looked round the venue with her. That does seem a bit blatant!

If it isn't a mistake, then I would not go, would not send a gift, and would spend the money you would have wasted spent on the event on shoes or a lovely meal!!!!

That note really sucks, and I feel sorry for whoever was meant to receive it, if indeed it wasn't you.

squeakytoy · 15/11/2011 22:19

So she is a social climbing grabbing selfish snob then basically.

I wouldnt go, and I wouldnt be continuing the friendship at any level either.

MysteriousHamster · 15/11/2011 22:19

What an utter bitch.

I know you will be gutted, but try not to be. What she's done - or at least the way she's done it - is incredibly rude and offensive.

I would just cut her out of my life after that.

AitchTwoOh · 15/11/2011 22:19

HER! i mean. realised that read back oddly.

Appuskidu · 15/11/2011 22:19

What a cow! What on earth did you say to her when she said that??

pooka · 15/11/2011 22:19

Ditch her. She sounds rather superficial and if she isn't already mortified, hopefully she will be when she looks back on what she said.

thisisyesterday · 15/11/2011 22:20

i cannot believe that having been friends for so long, and especially given that she'd taken you with her when choosing the venue, that she would then not invite you!

that's just... i can't even imagine how someone could do that and think that it would be ok...

i am almost speechless

TartyMcFarty · 15/11/2011 22:20

So you're too shy and depressed to be invited to the reception where presumably you'd sit at a smallish table of friends, but not so shy and depressed that a mince-pie mingle with strangers would affect you?

Please decline and explain that it's because you'd expect support and not rejection from a friend worth their salt at this point in your life.

thisisyesterday · 15/11/2011 22:21

and yes, if i was the intended recipient of the original note I would also feel shit and not want to come either.

god. what a fucking twat

MarthasHarbour · 15/11/2011 22:21

oh OP i am so sorry. what a complete fucking cow she is

i agree with everyone else here. fuck her. she is not a good friend, she has shown herself up. please dont feel humiliated, FWIW i still think you did the right thing by ringing her, now there is no ambiguity.

if none of your other friends had been invited i would give her the benefit of the doubt money wise, but she has basically said that the boss and wife are going in your place

Sad
LydiaWickham · 15/11/2011 22:21

oh what a bitch, send a RSVP declined.

Send a message back to the group message (to everyone on it) that you aren't going as you have only been invited to the ceremony and not the reception and it's a long way to go just before Christmas for only part of the day, so you won't need a room and would prefer not join in the joint gift from people who are going to be there and will 'do your own thing' (just send a card, no gift)

lollystix · 15/11/2011 22:21

WTF- a double slap in the face. You got the wrong note - the one you should have got was only marginally less patronising and you're still not invited as DHs boss needs to go so is taking the place of a lifelong friend.

Well you were spot on with your assessment of teenage like loyalties. Hold your head up high, politely decline and move on. She is a self absorbed cow.

wildfig · 15/11/2011 22:21

What a total cow. Take the money you would have spent schlepping up to her stupid mince pie buffet, on your outfit, your hair, your present, your accommodation, your baby/pet sitting, and spend it ALL on yourself.

TheSmallClanger · 15/11/2011 22:21

She sounds grossly insensitive and a bit odd, to be frank. Is she English? I know in some other cultures, it's more important to invite bosses and work colleagues to weddings.

slavetofilofax · 15/11/2011 22:22

What a self obsessed bitch she is!? Angry

I would find that email you mentioned earlier that went round your freinds, and tell them all that you won't be booking a hotel and contributing to a present, but they might want to contact her future DH's boss and he if he fancies chipping in.

NigellaTufnel · 15/11/2011 22:22

Jaw drops...

"Oh, I'm sorry that was the other note. Sorry we can't invite you to the reception. We needed to invite the big boss in DH's firm and we cut you out because you're shy and depressed.

You need to cut and paste that into the round robin email.

Original poster
IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 22:22

thanks guys. Sorry if anything doesn't make much sense - just ask. Replies are coming in too fast for me to respond in sequence. I'm very upset so not making much sense anyway.

I won't reply to the round robin. It's not worth my while. Better to have a cry now, head up in the morning and move on.

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 15/11/2011 22:22

Right invite but wrong note? And she got her mum to write the note? Ffs! Um, I take it you are re-rearranging your holiday & plan to send her a postcard.

"[amazing holiday place] is fabulous darling. I'm so glad we decided to come here instead of attending your wedding in the town I already knew so well that I found your fucking venue . I really doubt I could have socialised so will with your poncy friends as I did with the wonderful people we met here. I suspect they'll become lifelong friends to replace you, you insensitive cow Have a fabulous honeymoon I hope it rains "

pictish · 15/11/2011 22:22

Well fucking fuck her, the fucker. frankly.

Have a massive hug from me - this is really shitty, and I hope that one day you will come to see that the problem lies with her, not you.

What a crap 'friend'. I'm really sorry. xxxx

LeBOF · 15/11/2011 22:22

Grade A Twat.

I'm shocked.

GreenEyesandNiceHam · 15/11/2011 22:22

At least some other poor sod has been spared the Lady fucking Bountiful act I suppose

"darling paupers, we felt you deserved the wedding 'experience' (one glass of wine, one mince pie, then kindly fuck off before anyone notices you)"

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 15/11/2011 22:23

Oh my god, I can't believe a so-called friend has done that to you. What did you say to her comment? I bet you (and your DH) are fuming. Please don't be humiliated. She should be ashamed of treating a friend that way. I don't understand wtf your depression and shyness have to do with not getting an invite to her wedding. Don't go, but tell the other people in your social circle what she's said - she needs showing up for what she is, imo - a nasty piece of work.

Tillyscoutsmum · 15/11/2011 22:23

So sorry OP Sad That's no friend - she sounds like a self absorbed bitch Angry.

So basically, even though you are very long standing and close friends (close enough for you to go looking at wedding venues with FFS Shock), she has decided to not invite you basically because you have depression Confused

That's just awful Sad. Make sure your mutual friends know that you're not invited and why

QuintessentialShadow · 15/11/2011 22:23

Please ensure that you confide in another good friend in the group what hurt and humiliation you have suffered from bride to be. Let it be known what a grabbing socially climbing pathetic bitch she is.

And do decline the invite.

picnicbasketcase · 15/11/2011 22:23

Angry and Sad on your behalf. There isn't really any moving on with this 'friendship' after such a huge snub, and I'm sorry that this woman has decided that social and career climbing has to take precedence on her wedding day over kindness and loyalty. Personally, I would cease communication and let it go now.

(( ))