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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

671 replies

IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:36

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 15/11/2011 21:49

That is really odd Kittens. Can you think of any genuine reason why she hasn't included you? Given that so many other friends are going to the whole thing and you helped her choose the venue I think it would look completely natural for you to ring her and ask her if you got the right invitation. What do you think?

pictish · 15/11/2011 21:49

Yanbu - what a gutter.
FFS...

pictish · 15/11/2011 21:50

I agree - I think it's worth asking if you've got the right invite!

IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:51

cailin, I see where you're coming from, but it's between a rock of humiliation (the original statement and evident that she doesn't care for the friendship) and a hard place (pity invite).

OP posts:
TheSmallClanger · 15/11/2011 21:51

Before you get upset, make absolutely sure you have the right bit of invitation. That note sounds as if it was meant for an out of town, probably foreign, relative.

CailinDana · 15/11/2011 21:51

Another option would be to reply to the email you got from the other friends saying you won't need a hotel as you're not invited to the reception and see what the reaction is?

mercibucket · 15/11/2011 21:52

Sounds like a mistake - ring up and take the piss!

mercibucket · 15/11/2011 21:52

Sounds like a mistake - ring up and take the piss!

CailinDana · 15/11/2011 21:52

Yeah I was thinking that Kittens - if you ask her directly chances are she'll be too mortified to admit it was the right invitation even if it was so you gain nothing.

SkivingAgain · 15/11/2011 21:52

YANBU Kittens, very hurtful.

PS I don't understand your latest addition to the thread

wildfig · 15/11/2011 21:52

Actually, yes - it does seem weird for her to be talking about this place as if you've never been. Does she have any overseas friends with similar names? Could someone helping to post the invites have made a mistake with the envelopes?

MarthasHarbour · 15/11/2011 21:53

if she invites you out of pity then dont go

if you ring her and she is mortified that you got the wrong invite then you will know if she is genuine (as she is your friend)

is there more to this? has she been flaky in the past?

JamieComeHome · 15/11/2011 21:53

yes, see what the others say.

IHeart - if you ask her, you'll be able to tell if she's telling the truth? So if you then get a "pity invite" you can decline it, if you want IYSWIM

MenopausalHaze · 15/11/2011 21:54

I'd send a refusal card or whatever the fuck one sends in these circumstances saying, simply..

"Dahlings - I cannot tell you how much I hope one or both of you chokes on your mince pie. DH & I are unable to attend as we are visiting a bloody expensive bloody European bloody city with which we are not familiar but where we are unlikely to bump into arseholes like you. Have a fabulous day dahlings"

JamieComeHome · 15/11/2011 21:54

Xpost Martha - great minds!

ItWasABoojum · 15/11/2011 21:54

It really does sound like a mistake. If it's not, she's an arsehole, but I think you should check.

Pancakeflipper · 15/11/2011 21:55

Good point Wildfig - someone else might have wrote the invites and made an error. I think for the sake of your friendship you have to ask. If you know then you can draw a big thick line under it and the friendship. If it is an error - she'll wonder why you have the huff and you will have the huff and it will never be resolved.

MarthasHarbour · 15/11/2011 21:55

thats why you need to ring her rather than email, you can gauge the mortification over the phone, if it is wishy washy then tell her to feck off. if it is all 'eh? what? no no kittens of course you are invited you daft mare' then get your glad rags out!

sorry i am hijacking the thread but just want a happy ending! Grin

ShellyBoobs · 15/11/2011 21:56

...smile tightly and say, NFI darlings...

Umm, what does NFI mean?

Catsdontcare · 15/11/2011 21:56

Even if you weren't close friends that's a really wanky note to put in for anyone. Smacks of I want as big an audience as possible for the wedding ceremony and afterwards you can all sod off!

I probably wouldn't have it out with her actually, just decline gracefully and have a lovely xmas holiday instead and distance yourself from her in the future.

MarthasHarbour · 15/11/2011 21:56

jamie Grin

IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:56

The invite is "booklet" so it has our names on the front page and the note on an inside leaf if that makes sense. There is also a prayer and a poem in the booklet.

Martha, she has been flaky in the past but not in this sort of a way. She is normally scrupulously polite. But this might be her idea of distant politeness. She does get "impressed" with people who are richer, or cooler or whatever, and for six weeks someone like that will be her NBF until it cools down...(yes she is a little teenage) but there hasn't been anyone around like that for a while.

OP posts:
pictish · 15/11/2011 21:56

Oh so do I!
Phone her now - we need closure!

Pancakeflipper · 15/11/2011 21:57

You ask your Dh to check it all out.

fivegomadindorset · 15/11/2011 21:57

Not Fucking INvited

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