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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

671 replies

IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:36

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 15/11/2011 21:57

You can ask your Dh to check it all out.

fivegomadindorset · 15/11/2011 21:58

Get your DH to phone her DH to be.

CailinDana · 15/11/2011 21:59

Hmmm is it her handwriting on the invitation? Could this be a helpful mother making a big mistake? Seems a shame for a good friendship to go south because of a genuine mishap.

StealthPolarBear · 15/11/2011 21:59

Please just ask a mutual friend. Make it clear you DON'T want a pity invite but do want to know why you have been excluded and wtf the message was all about

IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:59

Pancake, DH won't (I have asked) - he isn't close enough and he hates wedding angst.

Ok, calling.

OP posts:
Sandalwood · 15/11/2011 21:59

I like EverybodysScaryEyed's reply.

CrotchFlakes · 15/11/2011 22:00

You need to speak to her in person. If it's the wrong invite, she'll be mortified and there will be no comeback on you for raising the issue.

If it's the right invite - well, things are pretty much over given how hurt you are, and now at least you know.

Catsdontcare · 15/11/2011 22:00

Actually you know what I wouldn't RSVP at all. If you're not invited to the reception she doesn't need to know for numbers BUT if it turns out to be a mistake the surely she will contact you as she will need to know if you are coming or not?

Then if she does ask you you can breezily say "Oh I didn't think you'd need a definate confirmation if it's just to watch the ceremony" then see what her response is.

Kitchentiles · 15/11/2011 22:00

I think it might be a mistake but agree with you that's it's impossible to find out. If you ask her, she might confirm it's not a mistake or she might fluff it and pretend it was when it wasn't. Both totally humiliating.

I would decline and see if she asks why.

TartyMcFarty · 15/11/2011 22:00

Hope it's a mistake for your sake, but if not, that you make her wince with mortification. And direct her to this thread.

IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 22:01

is ringing...

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/11/2011 22:01

I would have to ring and check. If you are going to wind down the friendship anyway if it is right, then at least you will know for certain that it was intentional, rather than forever wondering if it wasnt.

LydiaWickham · 15/11/2011 22:01

I would assume it's a mistake too - esp the bit about experiencing the wedding in that town when you've went to uni in that town and helped her find the venue!

Call her, say you cant make it just to the ceremony because it's a long way to go just for that, but you'll look forward to seeing her photos, see if she sounds genuinely confused, she would be if you were invited to the lot and got the wrong invite.

ginmakesitallok · 15/11/2011 22:01

Just marking my place - this is the FIRST time I've ever mared my place - its better than a birth thread!!

Eglu · 15/11/2011 22:01

I am very interested to see what your friend says.

If you are not invited then I certainly wouldn't go.

ShellyBoobs · 15/11/2011 22:02

Not Fucking INvited

Thanks. Smile

floweryblue · 15/11/2011 22:02

She's your friend, you can talk to her.

If she/the other people who have helped her have made a mistake, it can be sorted. If she has not invited you for a reason, as a friend she will be able to explain why.

Just pick up the phone and talk to your friend.

Appuskidu · 15/11/2011 22:02

How very odd! Call her now...

ItWasABoojum · 15/11/2011 22:03

Getting excited about happy ending - this is WAY better than telly!

thisisyesterday · 15/11/2011 22:04

ihearts

are your names on the invite? i mean, is it in any way possible that she has sent the wrong invitation to you?

Ephiny · 15/11/2011 22:04

The note is a bit rude and odd regardless of anything else. Aren't the invitations supposed to say something along the lines 'request the pleasure of your company' rather than making guests feel like they should be grateful to the bride/groom for 'giving them an experience' Hmm.

I do hope the rest is a mistake and it gets sorted out. Just bizarre not to invite you if you're a good friend and have been involved with the planning, choosing venue etc. And to let you find out through an impersonal note like that as well...

RealityIsADistantMemory · 15/11/2011 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarthasHarbour · 15/11/2011 22:06

oh oh - how exciting

but i am going to bed in a bit and mumsnet has gone all weird on my laptop - gaaahhh

Mum1369 · 15/11/2011 22:06

SHE'S CALLING! ...bated breath...

pommedechocolat · 15/11/2011 22:06

Marking place.

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