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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

671 replies

IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:36

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

OP posts:
atosilis · 16/11/2011 20:04

Kittens, WELL DONE!

Do any of your other friends know that you helped with the choice of venue? She will come out of this the worse, your friends will be appalled. I also totally agree with joining all your friends in buying a present. Your signature at the bottom of the gift tag, with all the others, will highlight to her - and the others - what a vapid thing she has done. Rise above her, walk away and scrape your shoes as you go.

SugarPustyBear · 16/11/2011 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eglu · 16/11/2011 20:42

Good email Kittens.

NatashaBee · 16/11/2011 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youtalkintome · 16/11/2011 20:47

You have handled this in a very dignified way, love all your responses. I could really take a leaf out of your book Blush

LePruneDeMaTante · 16/11/2011 20:58

I'm another one who has wavered (well, I hoped she was just caught up in the weddingness of it all and not actually an awful awful shallow disappointment) and I have to agree that your responses are great.

As for the present, I actually think that if you can afford it, it's the right time to splash out on something expensive but truly hideous, just to make yourselves feel perversely good that you've equalled her and also pissed her off.

Can I add that I have quite a lot of respect for your dh, as he is directly involved and seems really level. Mine would totally ignore any bad feeling until I pointed it out and then would have no clue what to do, so would do nothing Grin

LePruneDeMaTante · 16/11/2011 20:59

I even trawled the archives for a very funny thread from years ago about the Beatrix Potter Otter, but alas! it's gone.
It had hundreds of suggestions for wedding presents to give people who have done you wrong. Grin

AitchTwoOh · 16/11/2011 21:21

again over-priced but every home needs them 'made in Iris Hantverk?s legendary workshop for the blind'

Catsycat · 16/11/2011 21:26

Aitch those are hilarious and ohhhh so appropriate. Loving your work Grin

eminencegrise · 16/11/2011 21:29

Oh, fuck her. Oxfam gifts were made for bitches like this.

AitchTwoOh · 16/11/2011 21:32

hahah that is also true.

hey Kittens, i do hope you are feeling okay-ish about all this. it is hurtful but you can see from the responses on here (a consensus on MN? well i never...) that she is wildly in the wrong.

remember, she is the one who is being rude and weird. REMEMBER THAT. Grin

WarrantOfficerRipley · 16/11/2011 21:37

Think your idea of a response is very good Kitten but would also keep it down to a couple of short sentences .. "feel let down, sorry you feel that way, I can't personally see any way forward for our friendship after the issues you mentioned on the phone but I do wish you all the best for the future".

That way you have stated your position and have let her know it is over. Because surely it should be over after the way she has treated you. The original snub, then the even worse "reason" over the phone (does she always talk to you like that?) and then the even even worse ..ok we've all read the thread no need to go re-hashing it over and over Grin

For all those saying it will have knock on-effects with other friendships - the good friends will remain, the ones that disappear as a result are also not worth it IMO. Life moves on. Also like idea of chipping into common gift with small token making sure people who ask know why it is such a small token (economically)

WarrantOfficerRipley · 16/11/2011 21:40

Sorry I meant being economical with the reason not about how economical the gift token should be

pictish · 16/11/2011 21:44

God yes...buy a goat on her behalf through Oxfam.
Makes your point very nicely, but renders her incapable of bitching about it lest she be seen as a selfish gift grabber. Perfect!

MarthasHarbour · 16/11/2011 21:47

oh i am soooo up for the flash mob in said XXX quaint english village. praps we could have a MN Christmas Meet up...... Hmm Grin

OP i think your replies are pitch perfect. Agree that the bridezilla needs to be called on her behaviour

ajandjjmum · 16/11/2011 22:32

I think a £10 M & S voucher would be the perfect present. No thought and little money wasted.

StealthPolarBear · 16/11/2011 22:39

and with the gift voucher you get to pick a card design- much fun can be had with that!

QuintessentialShadow · 16/11/2011 22:46

Send her a gift voucher from Asda, to be found at the Gift Table. Grin

Grumpla · 16/11/2011 22:49

Seriously Kittens, if you were to provide just a few teeny tiny clues as the location of the venue we promise not to do anything that can be traced back to you too naughty.

Don't we, guys?

StealthPolarBear · 16/11/2011 22:50

Wonder if Relate do vouchers. Would that be too evil

runningwilde · 16/11/2011 22:55

I have read all of this in a state of shock at what a nasty bitch that poor excuse for a human being is - you are so much better without her and I really hope you NEVER allow her back in yor life.

I think the silent treatment to her directly is best as it will EAT HER UP! You don't need to tell her what a shit she is as she already knows - she just doesnt give a funk about you. Send a round Robin to the present organisers stating the facts and and send the invite back with a declined line on it and never see the bitch again. never

ibon · 16/11/2011 23:05

Kittens, I just wanted to say that I think you're email response is absolutely perfect and I hope you go ahead and send it. There will something very cathartic about letting her know how you feel, which in turn will enable you to let go of this and move on. I had some wedding issues with a former friend about ten years ago and I wish I had handled them with half as much courage and maturity as you are now. Instead I let everything fester and really didn't do myself any favours.

She sounds horrid, you sound lovely. I hope you have a wonderful holiday when all of this is over!

babybythesea · 16/11/2011 23:05

Had another thought on the present thing. What about one of those charity gifts? As in 'Mr and Mrs Kittens have donated £15 to [good cause] on your behalf - congratulations on your wedding and thank you for enabling our good work to continue.' It's a gift, she'll get a certificate or summat to prove it, and good works benefit.

ibon · 16/11/2011 23:06

*your (!)