to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

She just gets more and more HIDEOUS.

You are handling this brilliantly Kitten, retain the moral high ground and leave the sabotage to us and focus on having a lovely holiday.

Kittens she's a bitch, you're better off without her, and you're a class act. Well done you

good reply -

Really like both your replies, Kitten.

Perfect reply, very well written.

Forget her and have a wonderful holiday

Wow, I have just read through this and am astonished at how insensitive some people can be! Totally agree with you kittens that you'll probably feel better if you 'handle' this rather than silently seethe whilst not buying a present, not going etc..

I think you've been very dignified. It's very bewildering when you find that a friend has treated you as less of a friend than you would treat them, don't let it make you feel the need to re-evaluate yourself!! You sound like a very nice, thoughtful person. Sometimes friendships have a shelf life, sounds like this one might have reached it!

Well done you for being so mature about the whole thing. I would have probably been tempted to put my foot up her arse!

Loving the reply Kittens. She really is showing her true colours now, you're best off out of it. Hope you have a fab holiday.

Kittens - I think your proposed replies are perfect (with the teeny deletion at the end). Agreed, it is her right to invite who she wants, but in doing so, she has shed a very dark pall over the friendship you thought you had with her, and I think your email captures this perfectly. I also agree with your reasoning for not just wanting to leave it at a blunt, negative RSVP.

I also have to say that your email is way, way better than many of the passive-aggressive, silently wounded and aggrieved suggestions put forward by some people, and instead is along the lines Blu suggested - honest and to the point.

One thing - the handwritten note on the invitation. she tried to palm this off as being done by her Mum and put on the wrong invitation. This is obviously a lie. Only she would have prefaced it with the word 'darlings'. If her Mum was doing this job, she would never have done this. Seriously, in what world, would someone not known to the recipient deign to add such a word - a supposed personal and affectionate touch - on a formal invitation? It just does not ring true. She did it, she said what she said, and then tried to cover her tracks.

All in all, this woman sounds horrible - purposefully hurtful and a liar to boot. On the other hand, you have acted with dignity throughout. It really is her loss.

Your replies sound perfect, I hope your Dh agrees.

I've been lurking on this thread since you started it OP. You sound bloody marvellous. She sounds utterly foul.

Your email is perfect. No doubt your RSVP to her parents will be perfect too.

I would send a card with a £10 note. Not because i think she should be sent anything to be honest but in light of the very expensive present she bought you off list, then "throwing" £10 at her stuffed in an envelope is a bit like saying "oh yes, i owe you a wedding present, here you go" !! Or am i just lowering the tone - hmmm i wonder??

OP: please let us know how it goes.

I have really wavered on this thread but I think you have come up with absolutely the most perfect response to this woman.

Here's the thing? Is it even remotely possible to recover the friendship after this? I suggest not, so if that's the case for you, radio silence is what you want. No email, no r.s.v.p. to any afterthought, last choice invitation. Just silence. By all means I would reply to the round robin, those friends havn't insulted you, but bridezilla lost all rights to manners when she trashed you on the phone call.

Silence is the deadliest weapon, she is beneath a reply in my book.

Kittens the e-mail response is perfectly worded and to the point. I so admire your response to this hurtful situation.

I agree with wedding present, i also wouldn't want "and not even a present" to be part of the narrative. I wouldn't go mad present wise, more a gesture.

Your behaviour is perfect, such a shame this woman has tainted a friendship.

V good approach kittens.

grumpia am totally up for egging the bride!

This thread also has some classic debate with proposed responses ranging right from passive and passive-aggressive through to outright aggressive.

Kitten's approach (advocated by blu) is the textbook mature, assertive response!

Vote for send the email. As I've already said, chez 'Pru, we tend to err toward dignified silent dismissal, but I truly believe on this occasion, its the right thing to do to make your feelings known, particularly in this calm, measured way.

I would also be very wary that any resultant attempts to re-conciliate on her part would be borne out of easing her own conscience rather than any true desire to do the right thing by you.

I'm not a believer in karma in its simplistic sense, but I really think if one goes around treating people as she has, one will reap the consequences eventually.

perfumedlife - I get what you're saying, but I think Kittens has to handle this in the best, most natural way for her, as she's the one who has to live with the fall-out and deal with the loss of an actual, real friendship. :)

And to be honest, Kittens has consistently come over on this thread as one of those sort of principled people that you rarely meet in any more. I think her proposed responses are perfect give that, and I think some of us could even take a leaf out of her book.

your dignified behaviour when you are so hurt shows true strength Kitten

I agree with Blu that an email to her saying how you feel is important for two reasons. Firstly it will maybe make her realise just how bad her treatment of a true friend is, thats if she can remove her head from her arse long enough, also it will be an ending for you meaning you have told her how she has made you feel, nothing worse than looking back and wishing you had had the courage to say something

The one thing I would maybe consider is finding out about the joint present all the other friends are sending and if its not to much then maybe contribute to that, it will I think show her up more and show to your mutual friends that you are not as much of a twat as she is

Oh totally she must do whats right for her Slinking, just giving my thoughts. I just think no matter what action one takes in replying is rather pointless, given the friendship is dead in the water now. I think the not knowing would irk bridezilla more, but as you say, op wants to remain principled in the face of ignorance.

good point re: the present from Helen

I also had a thought OP, stemming from you saying you don't want to get caught off-guard.

If you don't send the email, there's every likelihood she will ring you, or you'll bump into her, or a mutual friend closer to her than you, and it will inevitably come up. If you're anything like me, outside the heat of the moment you won't feel so confident in your standpoint (even though it is a very valid one) and you might end up saying something that validates her behaviour, like 'yes well I was upset at the time but its water under the bridge now' and she does NOT deserve this pardon.

This way, you prevent any of that from happening.

actually having given the "present" idea some thought i agree with Helen's idea

Well done OP!!!! Your email ideas are fab. You have behaved so well, her behaviour is simply inexcusable. Stay strong and feel the love from lots of us!!!

Ohcobblers re the present thing, yes i agree with Helen and yourself also.

Some expert sensible advice here.

very good email, am shocked at these stories tbh. people are SO weird about weddings.