to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

Or send her a photo in a frame of a female dog. If I didn't send this, I wouldn't send her anything. It's ridiculous that you should buy her a present when she's been a bitch.

I would just send an RSVP with "No thanks" on it. I would, though, tell the other friends - I wouldn't let them think I was just going on holiday instead.

I like the way you think, StealthPolarBear

The email response sounds fabulous. You sound exceptionally strong.

Go for it.

OP you sound absolutely lovely, sorry about your poor excuse of a friend.

I hope your charity gift (go on, go on, go on ) leaves the bride with a warm feeling that something worthwhile has been done in her name. And that you enjoy the extra days of your holiday.

Buy her a goat in Africa or something. Totally horrible article of a human being. I hope her cheeks burn with shame when she reads the e-mail.

OP, you're a lady.

I am actually wondering if GirlWithALlamaTattoo is the bride or just a bride.

exit stop trying to tap kittens up ok? We all want her .

I'm glad she realized she made a mistake, she is obviously feeling guilty.
But to be offered a place as a fill in to make up the numbers is insulting and I for one would not attend.
I would feel very sad about it though. What a horrible situation to be put in.

Kittens you are so strong and brave and just emanating dignity that your therapist will write a book about how to end toxic friendships based on you.

You are brilliant. She defies words.

Hmm. I can appreciate this is all very hurtful but sometimes people persist in clinging on to friendships and considering themselves closer friends than they actually are particularly among 'old uni friends'. Don't forget that a wedding ceremony consists of two people with a potential list of friends and relatives to invite, and the OP doesn't suggest that she knows the H2B all that well and isn't one of his old pals or current ones. It may be that there really wasn't enough room for all the people they wanted to invite. It may be that one or both sets of couple's parents insisted on inviting some elderly aunties.
On the whole, when someone demonstrates that they don't value your friendship as much as you had previously thought, the best thing to do is to walk away. Confrontations and telling people they have treated you badly tend to make you look like a needy, desperate whanger and do you no good in the long run.

Getting the OP's help on scouting reception venues does imply a valued friendship though, don't you think? I don't think I'd drag somebody I wasn't close to round local stately homes and then leave them off the list- would you? It's like getting someone to help organise the hen night and then not mentioning when the big day is. Just odd.

Kittens just read the whole thread, your (ex) friend is a total bitch. Your response seems brill, have you spoke to dh yet? Be proud that you made the call and are standing up to her.

Kitten you are amazing. You come across as sensitive, dignified, mature not vindictive and with very clear boundaries. Everything I aspire to be!
I can't believe asking you to get in line for a second round offer - I have a clear mental picture of her wedding spread sheet and the comments and asterisks next to each name.
The emails are great - and yes, send a present which has "dull wedding of someone I don't know well" written all over it.
Grieve the friendship. And celebrate your strength. ( and a tiny hope for food poisoning for the big boss is OK.)

Good rsvp & e-mail. I hope she will feel ashamed of herself every time she thinks of you. You are obviously the better person.

Great rsvp and mail - if I were you I'd send a donation to a charity of your choice. A former DP of mine in my 20s (very nasty piece of work) tried to be stupid over money which was refunded to him, but which was half mine: he thought that somehow he had a hold over me/would force me to go back to him! I finally got it back (it was a piffling amount) after threatening legal action, and immediately donated it to amnesty international and made sure he knew it (I used to volunteer for amnesty and he hated that I did voluntary work - twat).

Anyway my point is, perhaps make a donation to a mental health charity in her name??!

Solidgold - usually I'd agree with you. There are so many silly wedding threads on here where the word 'bitch' is cast liberally on to the demon bride. Friendships do fade, brides do have to think of numbers etc. But as BoF said, this is different. The bride used OP in a pretty disdainful way (looking at venues etc) then showed a shocking amount of ruthlessness at then not inviting her to full wedding - they are childhood friends with dozens of mutual friends.

Kittens - I think your letter/email to the bride is spot on except the last line! it's unnecessary - you made your point and this just steps over into sounding petulant. Much better to keep in pared down and straight forward.

i would send the email. not bother with a gift.

(anyway, aitch i think we need another Pedlars thread!!)

i would also ditch the last line, but it's not a dealbreaker, i still think the email is good. and i totally agree with sgb about old friends, the venue scouting is what makes it so rude and weird.

I agree with the suggestion to join in with the joint present if it's within budget. It would certainly make it difficult for the bride to be yo twist things with your mutual friends.

i absolutely agree with the donation to charity idea.

pleeease can we organise a flash mob - we could all flash our bra's (indoors of course as it will be chilly!)

Agree with those who say to leave out the personal e-mail to bride. It's sufficient to decline invitation politely and somewhat haughtily. An e-mail saying how hurt you are etc etc looks needy and, you never know, could be passed around and you don't want all and sundry pitying you.

If you can be proud of a stranger then I really am. Well done Kittens! It's sad that you've lost a friend but she didn't really exist. Her behaviour has been shocking throughout, she's no friend at all.

Actually, re-reading the op, the helping with the venue thing is a bit overstated I think. Op said she recommended the venue and the bride invited her on the scouting trip, not that she went on it. The reason she doesn't need an 'experience' in the snowy city was because it was her university town, therefor also the brides university town. So, they both know the town well, lived in it, it doesn't sound like the bride actually did rely on op for a lot of pre wedding help.

Think maybe SolidGolds post has a point. Maybe it was a more casual thing for the bride than the op. Still think the bride was beyond rude though, and still I wouldn't give her satisfaction of knowing she's upset me.