to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

Hi Piglet and everyone I'm here. Apols for bad typing on my phone in my lunchbreak.

Soooo.... friend emailed this am and said sorry if she seemed insensitive last night, I caught her at a bad time. She apologised for mentioning my mental health and added that we will get an evening invite as soon as she sees whp can't make it.

Needless to say I haven't replied

Ah, you know, that's put her up a bit in my estimation. She's given it some thought, felt in the wrong, and come up with a solution. Many people would not bother to.

I think weddings do make people BONKERS you know.

I don't think I'd feel any better about going, myself, all the same. What do you think?

I'm still hexing her wedding

Not good enough IMO. So she knows she was out of line in mentioning your mental health, good. But a true apology would involve issuing you with a REAL invitation straight away, not telling you that you are on her waiting list.

How nice that she has raised you to the position of one of her second-tier guests (i.e. people who MIGHT be allowed to come to the reception).

I'm not impressed. She's not worth your time, OP.

leprune I think she is more embarrassed that OP has called her on it rather than just accepting it. I think OP should stick with her original plan and go and have a wonderful holiday. She is better off without this person.

Respond and tell her to save herself the cost of a stamp. Who wants a pity invitation?

So your now on a waiting list? Hmm.

So does an evening invite mean an invite to the whole thing? Or still missing out the meal?

so you've now been promoted to the stand-by list. bollocks to that

I still think you should graciously decline. Book your holiday now and then you are able to say "Oh it's ok we're going away now so no need to send out an invite"

Oh and "sorry if I seemed insensitive" isn't an apology "Sorry I was a completely insensitive bitch" is an apology.

It's good that she has apologised - it is possible that you did catch her at a bad moment last night (organising a wedding is stressful).

However, she should have phoned you back, not emailed you. And not put you on a waiting list. In your situation I would prob email her back making it clear how hurt I was, but I'm not sure that's necessarily the right thing to do - just what I would do.

Organising a wedding is really not that stressful! Certainly not so stressful that you have to become a complete bitch handing out invites like those kids on Sweet Sixteen!

kittens - I think you have handled yourself with great dignity here. I would relate the story to another friend on the round robin email and let it get round that way and not go myself.

Thanks op, I would just tell her that your going on holiday and send her a card and present.

If you ever invite someone for "stand-by" reasons it's really rude to let them know!

At least she is a bit embarrassed and realises what she's done isn't very nice. I agree you shouldn't feel at all obliged to accept if she does offer you a 'cancellation'. You're probably better off going on your holiday, and in your own time have a think about whether this friendship is worth continuing.

to kittens let us know what you decide to do, we are all behind you, you are sooooo the better person

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

From what you have written about all of this, and in particular the last response (deigning to invite you IF someone else drops out....!), personally I think your best response is to continue to do nothing. Do not respond in anyway to her message, do not take her calls, do not answer any emails she may send.

You will maintain your total dignity and she will always be a little curious as to your actual response. Added benefit is you lose a total fucker out of your life, which will make way for a real friend in your life.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I'd probably just accept and be realistic about the nature of the friendship. Why? To be magnanimous and to stop this becoming a cause celebre amongst the university friends etc.

I would also, of course, get completely bladdered at the reception.

she sounds like the wedding has made her deranged. at this rate she's going to do something quite mad on the actual day.

So you'll get an invitation when someone she deems more worthy drops out?

Oh please, please Kittens, don't respond.

Blu has it dead right.

I really liked Blu's email idea. I would still send her a version of that.

Clearly she has taken you and your friendship very much for granted and assumed that you would always be there no matter how little regard she paid you. Don't let her get away with it!

The irony of the fact that she is only prepared to put you on a waiting list, when you were prepared to reschedule your holiday for her...! Like so many others, I'm indignant on your behalf.

Oh god bullocks to that standby list, tell her your be off on holiday and hope she has a nice day. So your not a good enough friend to be at her reception and instead have been relocated to a list, how nasty. Tell her to stuff it if your not good enough to go to her reception your not good enough to be her friend, wish her a nice life.

Organising a wedding is not that bloody stressful, that you can behave like a twunt to a friend. So you're on a list if someone she likes better can't make it - imo that's worse - I'd have rather had the initial snub.

I wouldn't take her calls again but then it depends if you want her as a friend but I couldn't get past someone bringing my mental health into play re a feckin wedding invitation.

Don't go, go on your lovely holiday in the sun