to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

SO you still can't go to the reception then....

Agree with Wiggles. People are allowed to get stressed out with wedding plans, but coming out with a statement insulting the OPs mental health and saying she's not good at socialising is way below the belt as an excuse. No matter how stressed I was I would never think of saying that to anyone. FWIW I am guessing that she is one of those "friends" who are very good at little put-downs and generally does not make you feel good about yourself. The woman whose hen do I did not want to go to was the same, hence I have never missed her friendship.

I do think you need to send a dignified refusal to this new "invite". I would also mention in a couple of brief sentences why you will not be attending so you can draw a line under the whole thing. I do not think you should mention the holiday as a reason for non-attendance. And then go and change your tickets and get a bottle of wine to celebrate!

Is an evening invite the reception, or just the evening?

She sounds as if she's losing the plot tbh

kittens this thread made me feel , coz i've had a similar situation. No, the friendship wasn't retrievable. I would concentrate on your holiday and own xmas plans. I hope you have a special time.

She cocked up! She knows it. She seems like a shallow type who has made a mistake and realised it - at this point she probably can't just wave her wand and make another 2 reception meals appear (I imagine) so she's done it this way.

I think she shouldn't have thought about the Op in the way that she did and I agree that this is clumsily handled and still not great, but at least she's trying. "Pity invite" is not quite right - equally it could be a 'trying to make amends' invite (nice) or a 'trying to save face' invite (less nice). If Kitten wasn't worth it, she needn't have done anything at all, so I tend to think she might be trying to make amends.

Anyway...not sure if I'd go, given all the venue help and the years of friendship and the mention (dear god) of the fiance's boss (that's the worst of it! Everything else was clumsily and shallowly well-meaning but that's just blatant naffness).

We had this happen recently albeit that the dh was part of our close knit group but the wife to be wasn't. Everyone except us was invited and we eventually received an evening invite because the gang highlighted to him how rude it was not to invite us. We didn't go and I would have felt foolish congratulating a bride who really couldn't care less if I am there.
Let it go and stay away.

Kittens, you have been absolutely incredible dealing with all this. I would never have had the balls to make that call last night and I think you showed amazing strength by doing so. Being put on a 'stand-by' list is deeply offensive. You need to carry on as you are: you took control of the situation last night and now you need to do it again by sending a standard 'with regret' card, no note, and pre-empt any further afterthought communications from her. You have what sounds like a wonderful alternative to attend, so go for it.

I think you have done really well so far OP. Your dignified response is definitely the way to go. As you are both in the same group of friends, you will still see her at future events, whether you have mentally ditched her or not. I think you should reply politely to the email saying you that had rearranged your flights, but are now going to go on the original date and so unfortunately can't make it.

Her behaviour is shocking.

BUT- I guess I agree with Grovel, given the wider circle of friends issue. I tend to think that somehow these things always manage to harm the injured party while the injurer gets off scott free. Are you the sort of person who would be brooding about it on the day anyway like me?

However, you aren't invited yet.

You could consider the following:

"Bridezilla, thanks for your email. We would love to celebrate your special day but it's probably going to be too complicated with the hotels getting booked up near Christmas, etc. I received an email from xx about booking rooms with them, not really sure what to say. It seems best to tell her to hold off since it's not clear whether it will be possible fo DH and me to attend.

It's a shame it's all so complicated but if we can't be there I hope you have a great day and see you in the New Year."

She MAY not want anyone else finding out about her little mishap.

WHATEVER YOU DO don't arrange her babyshower (and gift list.)

If you go to this event, go and then move on from this relationship.

Your 'friend' is a bitch. This is the worst wedding thread I've read on Mumsnet.

Well done you've reacted with dignity and manners. You sound lovely.

Decline and enjoy your holiday.

So she is potentially inviting you to the evening do but not the actual reception with the sit down meal? I am sorry but I don't think she is trying to make amends. She is just embarrassed that she has been confronted and being invited to the evening do is just as insulting as not being invited at all as all your other friends are going to the main reception.

Just tell her to get stuffed as she does not sound like a friend to me. And please do make sure you tell all your other friends about her disgusting behaviour.

Well done you've reacted with dignity and manners. You sound lovely.
Decline and enjoy your holiday.

Absolutely! Have a peek into the future with this person. Will you fit in with her plans in the future or will you be the person she doesn't want around in case you don't look good to her 'real' friends? Doesn't look good OP...

Give it miss I say. What about a nice sun holiday with your dh?

that is even worse!!!

sorry I upset you, will let you know if anyone drops out and then you can come after all?

what world does she live in??? that she thinks it's ok to treat people like that.

OP, I agree with blu that you should be totally honest with her. I am guessin g she gets away with behaving like this because everyone lets her! right now she thinks you're in a hufff amd that she can fix it by having you on stand-by

you have GOT to tell her the truth. say "I am sorry, we will not be attending the wedding and we do not wish to come to the reception. Your feelings about our friendship became very clear the moment you chose to leave me out of your wedding so that you could invite your partners boss. I thought we were good friends, clearly that wasn't reciprocated. It's hard for me to tell you just how hurt I am over this and as such I am sure you can udnerstand why we will not be attending for any of the day. I wish you well in married life."

Good idea Thisisyesterday. Op sound lovely

I think you have to tell her how you feel, she sounds a nightmare anyway

ITA that you should tell her exactly how she's made you feel. I think whatever happens now, the friendship is never going to be the same again and it would be a shame if she felt able to become the aggrieved party by you appearing to take something the wrong way and get in a huff, because that is how she will justify it to herself and others. Make sure you spell out to her upset her thoughtless behaviour has made you.

It is a rare thread where I end up trying to think the best of someone

I guess it's for Kitten to judge whether or not she's being crass-but-sorry or a thoughtless, face-saving bell-end.

I totally agree with the suggestion of replying that you'd already rebooked your flights, so won't be able to make it.

Only just re-read and realised that the piecemeal (basically embarrassed she has been called on it and trying to save face but not really trying very hard) apology is still only an invite to the evening do! So you are expected to go to some town (clearly where you do not currently live), fawn at wedding, have mince pies and then go and kick your heels somewhere till you are allowed into the evening do? All after she has given insulting reasons for not inviting you in the first place.

Totally agree with ThisisYesterday. You have got to be honest and send her a note with exact reasons for non-attendance. This is not a friend worth keeping.

Sorry ... long-term lurker here but this thread got my goat enough to finally post

Oh tell her to fuck off.

It's the only suitable response.

"as soon as she sees who can't make it"? !! The utter rudeness and cheek of the woman. Lovely- "apologising" for her previous rude remarks while drivng it home that she considers you a B-lister.

I think you have been amazing, Kitten, and am impressed with the quiet dignity you have shown throughout this disgraceful saga.

You don't have to put up with this. Change your flights back, don't go to the wedding and make sure that you respond to the round robin, just politely letting them know that because you weren't invited to the party, you won't need a hotel room. This will prevent the bride making up some excuse as to why you aren't coming. She doesn't deserve the opportunity to do that.

And enjoy all the extra peace of mind you will have now your eyes have been opened and you don't have to deal with this person in your life.

Another vote for Blu's excellently worded email, particularly in light of the recent development.

In these situations I have been conditioned by DP to turn the other cheek and remain aloof, but I think on this occasion its right to give her an honest account of your PoV, and the articulation Blu suggests hits the perfect note.

That sounds absolutely awful and I am extremely impressed by your dignity and bravery in ringing up - not sure I would have done.

I also agree that Blu's suggestion sounds good. Normally my first instinct would be along the passive aggressive lines, but actually, don't give her an excuse to blame you for being stroppy, be honest instead, then move on. She's clearly not someone who is worthy of your friendship in any case.

Blu is ever the voice of reason, but after catching up wtih this thread I'd be tempted to tell her to go fuck herself.