to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

What an awful situation, but I am deeply impressed at the tactful, measured and sensible way you handled it. I don't know if I would have had the cajones to phone and find out whether or not it was a mistake. Her neck must be made of pure brass first of all to exclude a life long friend in favour of someone who's butt she thought needed kissing. FFS, why didn't they book a big enough venue or shell out for a couple more plates of food?

You have responded to her crassness and selfishness with dignity. At least you have discovered that she's not the true friend you'd believed and our lives are better if we manage to shed false friends. You certainly owe her nothing now, not even a note to decline her invitation.

Some folks can get so self-absorbed about their weddings, as though the world has to stop and everyone has to reorder their life around them. What I really loathe is the trend towards having a sort of first class and second class invitation system. How the heck do you pick who's "good enough" to get the full deal and who's relegated to the second division without realising someone will feel hurt by this? Why not "cut the cloth to suit" and have say a cheaper affair with more capacity so that all the people you want to share in your special day can join in equally?

Sorry about the rant. You so did the right thing. Line drawn and have fun with the family in warmer climes!

I think she's being a real bitch, - she considers you a good enough friend to include in the planning of her wedding, but not enough to actually attend?

That bit about her making you help scout out the venue makes me wonder if she is actually being deliberately unpleasant, - it seems so calculated.

Although usually I would say that weddings are not worth falling out over, on this occasion (you have changed you holiday FFS) I think you should talk to her. Don't go in all guns blazing (there may have been a mistake) but arrange to see her, and say 'I got your wedding invitation. And actually, I'm a bit upset.' Then say, calmly and truthfully, that you're hurt about being excluded.

...ignore my last post, - for some reason my computer only showed me the first page of the thread.

But WHAT A BITCH that bride is!

This might sound a bit childish, but if it were me, I would make sure that all our mutual friends knew what had happened, so the bride couldnt pass it off as you choosing not to come!

Beeeeeyatch.

OP, you've handled it brilliantly. I'd send oldgreengrasshopper's email, then ditch her. The audacity of getting you to help venue-hunt and then not including you in the day properly is beyond belief.

I also feel for all those poor feckers who were meant to receive or have received the patronising note about being given an experience of a wedding. What happened to 'We'd dearly love the pleasure of your company at our wedding'?

Enjoy your holiday!

IHeartKittensAndWine usually I think that people should respect the bride and groom's choice of who they invite, but in your case, I feel very annoyed on your behalf, in particular the way the bride is behaving like she has done you a favour by not inviting you because she thinks you are too shy!

She is being incredibly thoughtless.

LadyClariceCannockMonty - yes what other little handwritten notes did the guests get - instructions on etiquette - such as as you are quite old and sometimes embarassing so we require you to be silent at the wedding or you don't mind do you but you will only be served one alcoholic drink as we think you have a drink problem

perhaps no one will go anyway after they have all had the 'pleasure' of a little note :o

"We have asked the caterers to give you smaller portions than everyone else, since you are really quite fat and will be grateful for our help to lose weight."

"We are looking forward to seeing you at our wedding, but please do not stand too near the front of the group photos as you don't usually dress very well. Let's catch up in the New Year to go shopping!"

Really iam so shocked anyone can be like that, I hope that this is not real

DO you know this reminds me of a bridezilla one of mum's friends' children married.

The bride thought she was 'somethin' else' as we sometimes say in the US.

SHe didn't consider her sister in law to be very good looking though although she did allow her to appear at the wedding in a bridesmaid dress.

To avoid recording her role in the day for posterity, however, she had all the the wedding photos taken without her in them. "You were late back from the church because I failed to include you in the car with everyone else."

This couple is no longer married - Bridezilla claimed to her DH that 'all the romance went out of the marriage' and ran off with their builder.

I'm afraid I see equally 'happy endings' for this bride and groom.

Just seems a bit far fetched,where is the op

'you don't mind do you but you will only be served one alcoholic drink as we think you have a drink problem.'

'We have asked the caterers to give you smaller portions than everyone else, since you are really quite fat and will be grateful for our help to lose weight.'

piglet it's not. She was on last night. I'm sure that she just wants some distance from it now.

OP I have just seen this. This woman is a disgrace for behaving like this and one day she will realise what she has done. She has been particularly insensitive in using your depression as an excuse for herself, how the hell did she think that would make you feel? Really though, it is her issue, her cock up, and speaks volumes about how she views herself. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, your depression, your anything and sadly says everything about her.

You have behaved with total dignity in the face of this. She, on the other hand is a fucking bitch cow has shown herself for what she really is

OP be wary of a phone call from the mother of the bride, now that you're not fitting in. Be prepared. Especially if you're vulnerable. Sorry she's been a crass user, it rarely goes unpunished somewhere along the way. It's all gone to her head and she will regret it one day, but sadly she'll be all alone when she does.

Just so shock anyone can be like that

Ooh terribly late to this. OP, your friend is soooo not a friend. She has behaved terribly and hurt the feelings of a very nice person I would hazard.
I hope this will come and bite her on the arse one day - I'm sure it will in some way or another.

Hope you are ok and not too hungover today!

I'd suggest a very formal reply to the invite:

"Mr and Mrs IHeartK thank Mr and Mrs XXX for their kind invitation but regret they will be unable to attend"

To the round robin (very light but explanatory)

Thanks for including me on this. We won't be needing a hotel room (didn't make the invitation cut for the evening celebration!) and will sort out our own present. Sad I won't get the chance to catch up with you all properly.

I think that will just make the OP seem petulant, grovel. I'd suggest sending a simple reply saying you're not attending and leave it at that.

Then consider the friendship dead .

Similar thing happened to me many years back with someone I had been good friends with at school, mutual visiting at each others universities, travelled together etc. etc.

When she was getting married, I knew that the wedding was the following month and was starting to wonder why I had not got an invite yet (since she had been discussing venues, dates etc. for months previously). Then about 2 weeks before the wedding I got a note saying sorry couldn't invite me because they had both decided that they preferred smaller weddings, but she would like to see me at the hen do. I was pretty offended (because I knew a few of the other friends who had been invited). I just decided to drop it, not respond to the note and kind of distance myself gradually rather than cause a whole big scene about it.

BUT she actually phoned me to discuss the hen night thereby putting me TOTALLy on the spot. I floundered at first but then was just forced to be completely blunt. I said: "I'm sorry just I don't want to go to the hen do. If you don't want me at your wedding after all these years then I don't really see that our friendship is really going anywhere, is it??"

And yes, I agree with everyone else that mentioning your depression in her excuse is totally appallingly shocking behaviour. Your probably feeling sad about it now but agree with others who said that you have to politely and assertively make your feelings clear about this - at some point. So that you can move on.

I have never spoken to or seen her again and I have not missed her for one moment. I got total closure immediately and have not worried about it from that day to this.

Wow - she is a very shallow person!
It will be hard to "say goodbye" to such a longstanding friend but hopefully you'll feel better without the likelihood of a repeat of that at the next social occasion.

I think people who justify moves like this really do see it as 'It'll be best for...' and have a blind spot about the superficiality and the hurt it causes. It takes a special kind of brazenness and lying to oneself. Weddings are the worst for this!

I would email her and clarify what she means by her handwritten note at the bottom? Then make a decision. It could be a mistake and its its not then lets be honest the friendship has expired. I wouldnt phone as if its not a mistake I would find it hard to keep the distain out of my voice.

I actually think grovel's email is okay, but I would only sned it to the original sender. It is factual after all.

I keep changing my mind about this.

OP: if you've already moved on (although we can't seem to!) more power to you!

aquashiv
she phoned yesterday.

OP take heart from warrants story.

you are both very strong - well done

also i am marking my place to see if there are any updates

I don't know how old your friend is.
I find that i value good friendships and good people now more than i did some years ago. I regret losing good people and being absorbed by idiots who partied well in my young days.

You sound the sort of person that many here would love to have as friend.

I know it hurts now but it is her loss. She will find out one day.

She just lost a good solid friend. You lost a shallow empty tin.