Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

671 replies

IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:36

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

OP posts:
oldgreengrasshopper · 15/11/2011 22:56

Oh OP, what an insensitive and hurtful thing to do to a friend. Weddings can do very strange things to people, especially bridezillas like your so called friend.

How about a reply like this to the round robin?

Dear All,
Sadly DH and I won't be able to come to X's wedding. Unfortunately X wasn't able to include us in the reception as she's tight for numbers, and I totally agree with her that it's more important that her DH's senior partner can come instead of a lifelong friend - what are weddings about after all? As all our friends will appreciate, it's a very long way for us to travel for just the short ceremony, so on this occasion we've decided not to come and will be away on holiday instead.
I know you will all have a lovely time; when I looked round the venue with X when I was helping her to plan the wedding I thought it was perfect.
Best wishes and hope to see you all soon

PoopyFingers · 15/11/2011 22:56

...and you helped her choose the venue? That is the bit that shocks me. She has really taken you for granted here - used you as a personal assistant but thoughtlessly decided you aren't fun enough to invite to her reception.

Do not contact her again. Don't send a round robin saying you haven't been invited to the reception - instead send one saying you are not attending the wedding. No reason needs to be give.

You're obviously a lovely person and a good friend - otherwise she wouldn't have asked for your help in this respect. She is a user. Bin her.

PoopyFingers · 15/11/2011 22:57

given

Pickadaytocelebrate · 15/11/2011 22:57

I think you handled this really well OP. It took a lot of guts to ring her. Now you know what sort of person she is, decline the invite, enjoy your holiday, never see them again. You deserve better.

QuintessentialShadow · 15/11/2011 22:58

Grin oldgreengrasshopper, love your email suggestion.

PLEASE SEND IT!!

AitchTwoOh · 15/11/2011 22:59

don't send a bloody thing, OP. not until tomorrow at least. you are, as has been said before, sat astride the moral highground here...

Dozer · 15/11/2011 23:00

Bravo OP, you have handled it really well.

This bride needs to be outed! In order for a MN flashmob of furious judgment to descend on the church in quaint English town XXX All quaffing mulled wine, mince pies and holding signs saying YABU BITCH!

QuintessentialShadow · 15/11/2011 23:00

yes yes,

Aitch is right.

She has probably not consumed any wine and is thinking straight.

AitchTwoOh · 15/11/2011 23:01

Grin well she's not had any wine, at least.

Towndon · 15/11/2011 23:01

How rude and unkind - I'm shocked at the way she's treated you! You deserve better.

QuintessentialShadow · 15/11/2011 23:02
Grin
Laugs · 15/11/2011 23:03

Really well handled, OP. You are way braver than I am.

I (or braver-me) would reply to the round robin. But I don't think you have to compose it - these guys are your proper friends. If the bride has one ounce of humanity, she will be feeling like a right twat now and no doubt composing her own justifications to tell your mutual friends. Better that you get in first and just tell it as you've told us.

oldgreengrasshopper · 15/11/2011 23:04

Actually Aitch is right. Has never got me anywhere responding to things in the heat of the moment.

And also meant to say, you are right to feel hurt and betrayed, and you were very brave to call her. She is the one behaving badly and it is not right that you should be feeling so upset. You have handled this very well.

Enjoy your holiday, you deserve it!

Catsdontcare · 15/11/2011 23:04

Aitch is right maintain the moral high ground. If you are asked why you aren't going then I think it's fair to say you don't feel it's wrth changing your holiday plans just to go to the ceremony. If people ask why you are not going to the reception then just state the fact as told to you by the bride. You don't need to put a spin on it to make her look bad because honestly she is doing that all by herself!

oldgreengrasshopper · 15/11/2011 23:07

you could always send a very gracious telegram to be read out at the wedding reception while you are on your lovely holiday, really make her feel bad...

yellowraincoat · 15/11/2011 23:11

I think you did well OP. She sounds like a prize bitch.

I suffer from mental health probs too and have horrible issues with rejection, so I really feel for you. Hanging up sounds like exactly the right thing to do.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 15/11/2011 23:18

What a nasty fucking bitch! I hope you are ok, OP. you are far better off without shallow social-climbing bitches like her in your life

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 15/11/2011 23:19

Also I agree with Catsdontcare. Stick to the facts with other people, and take the moral high ground as much as possible. the bride's appalling behaviour and attitude will speak for itself

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 15/11/2011 23:24

IHeartKittens - you sound like a massively lovely person.

Your friend sounds like the worst kind of wankspanner.

If it were me, I wouldn't send a reply to the round robin - just to one other mutual friend whom you like and trust. Explain to them. Quietly.

In fact I'd ask them not to say anything to anyone else. Human nature being what it is, they'll do the rest. Look at how shocked we are all for you - other friends will feel the same.

Then move on, come and post on here more. We are lovely and beautiful and smell nice. Not poo poo heads like her (channelling my six year old).

Cloudbase · 15/11/2011 23:33

Kittens, I'm so sorry - what a horrible person she sounds. Just remember, you really have been so incredibly brave making that phone call - you should be very very proud of yourself!

I agree that you should reply to the e-mail in some fashion, as otherwise they will keep coming ("Oooh, I've found a lovely present in John Lewis, what does everyone think..." etc etc), but end the friendship now.

She clearly has massive issues with mental health problems and your depression obviously scares the hell out of her. She is shallow and ignorant and to be honest, she probably won't change. I've suffered from bad depression myself, and you really don't need shallow ill-informed people like her, undermining your confidence, making patronising assumptions about you and generally being unsupportive. You are worth so much more.

Please try not to feel too devastated (easy to say, I know) but honestly, you sound lovely and she has acted like a spoilt, selfish bitch. How DARE she treat you so badly! Just remember, every single person on this thread thinks she is in the wrong, so please hang on to that, while you are working through the hurt. And look forward to your lovely holiday, and having a fantastic future with true friends who love and appreciate you for who you actually are, not who they think you should be Smile

ElizabethDarcy · 15/11/2011 23:36

You know where the venue is?? I think you need to phone the venue up and say you are Mrs Mother of the Bride, and that regretfully the wedding has been cancelled... but they can keep the deposit of course. Apologise profusely for any problems you might have caused the venue with the cancellation...

hehe (wicked me talking!!!)

You are a lovely lady, wife, daughter AND friend. Enjoy the holiday with your family, draw those close to you who care about you, no matter what you are going through, and block people like her out of your life. Sending you a big hug!!!

Pandemoniaa · 15/11/2011 23:40

Kittens, if anyone has lost out, it is this so-called friend. She no longer has the pleasure of your company at her wedding and given a choice, I'd much rather spend time in your thoughtful company than hers. You own the Moral High Ground! She, on the other hand, clearly does not deserve your friendship.

randommoment · 15/11/2011 23:42

Hi Kittens, I wish I was sensible enough to go to bed before sending something off into the interweb that I later regretted. Assuming you find this tomorrow after a good night's sleep - revenge is a dish best served cold. Your ex-friend Bridezilla doesn't even have the ability to lie effectively does she? Was about to endorse lots of the more imaginative ideas above, then thought 'no, am 2 large glasses of Pinot Grigio down and getting a little too feisty here'. But I have to say how much I admire your guts in making that phone call, and your handling of the whole miserable business so far. You've managed to make about 30 new good friends in the course of this thread - so bollocks to the 'lack of social skills etc etc' crap. All the best!!

pigletmania · 15/11/2011 23:44

Yanbu, the note is Hmm, how patronising, it sounds like she is doing you a favour Hmm. She obviously does not see you much of a friend if she has not invited you to the reception, only invited you to the ceremony so you could experience a wedding! I personally would decline the invite, how insulting.

ShellyBoobs · 15/11/2011 23:50

I'm a bit Confused at the many posters who are suggesting that Kittens send their particular version of a bitchy reply to the round-robin e-mail.

OP very much has the moral high ground and it would be rather undignified to copy and paste an MNer's deliberately inflammatory post into an e-mail, just to entertain some of the people on this thread.

If OP replies to the e-mail in order to put a stop to more being sent to her, then it should surely be a straightforward note saying OP and her DH aren't invited. Other friends can surely deduce what a bitch the bride is, without OP lowering herself to the bride's level.