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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with wedding and wondering if friendship has future.

671 replies

IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:36

Lifelong friend (school and university and beyond) to whom I have always been close and trusted (and I find it difficult to trust people) is getting married just before Christmas. When she set the date of the wedding DH and I changed the date of our flight for our Xmas holiday to make it (he is good buddies, but not as close to her husband to be).

I received the invitation a few days ago. She has invited us to the church bit and the mince pies and mulled wine bit directly after, which is given an hours slot on the invite. We have not been invited to the reception proper - I know this because a) I helped her choose the venue (as in I recommended it and she invited me on scouting trip up) and b) she put a handwritten note on the bottom of the invite - so sorry we can't include you due to numbers darlings but we wanted to give you an experience of a wedding in XXX beautiful English town anyway.

I have since discovered that every mutual friend is going to the reception. But what really grates that fucking note at the end of the invite. I know that city like the back of my hand and I don't need or desire the experience of a snowy wedding there because ... I've been to half a dozen weddings there which she has also been to BECAUSE IT WAS OUR UNIVERSITY TOWN. I wanted to celebrate her happy day with her and our other friends, not be treated like some needs to be accommodated gawper.

I feel patronised and humiliated. I can't tell if this is my depression talking. DH says I should give her a call and say, calmly, that it is patronising and we won't be going.

OP posts:
Grumpla · 15/11/2011 23:50

I CANNOT be the only person who, having read this thread, would be MORE THAN HAPPY to travel to the venue in question and egg the bride stir up trouble...

Where did I put that pitchfork?!?

You are better off without her in your life OP.

YellowDiamond · 15/11/2011 23:51

Well done for making the phone call, keep your dignity, respectfully decline invite, and let one friend know you won't be contributing to gift.

pigletmania · 15/11/2011 23:52

Just read the rest of your op, she does not sound very nice, what a poor show using your depression as an excuse. Obviously she is not a good friend, tell her to stick it and book your holiday.

LeBOF · 15/11/2011 23:59

Yep, just re-route the emails to spam and enjoy your holiday.

pigletmania · 16/11/2011 00:01

No the friendship does not sound to have a future, mabey it should be relegated to distant friends and forgotten about.

SeriouslyAmazed · 16/11/2011 00:07

Kittens, I think you have handled this in a blinding manner. One of my friends who was very ill once told me that "life is too short to hang out with toxic people". Remember that. Wedding or not, your friend has kicked you when you are down and instead of helping you, she has just given you another thing to deal with. You have dealt with it very well. At your therapists you should be telling yourself that you are a strong person and able to deal with people and situations well, not telling yourself that you are crap! There's no way I would have been able to confront them like this.

Please do not hang out with her again. She is toxic. In the end, what goes around comes around.

eminencegrise · 16/11/2011 00:09

Send this bitch nothing but the decline. NOTHING. No note, no card and definitely NO present. It's over. Send the round robin coordinator a note to the effect, 'Please unsubscribe me from your list as we are not attending the wedding.' The end.

Life is to short to waste precious seconds on cunts like this one.

TheScaryJessie · 16/11/2011 00:15

Kittens, don't feel humiliated. You friend mixed up some invites, and thus sent you a note that made her look a patronising fool.

You phoned up in order to clarify the situation, and thus found out that she was actually a callous, careless, social-climbing fool! You ended the conversation civilly and with dignity.

In your position, I would want to keep the moral high-ground.

Change your holiday flights back and tell the email group that you're going to arrange your greetings card from Poundland own gift to the bride separately, and you're not going to the ceremony after all, so can't share rooms.

NunTheWiser · 16/11/2011 00:19

Kittens, I am so impressed with how you've handled this.
Your 'friend' is unbelievably rude and you are a much better person than she is. Please do send a scathing reply to her invite and the round robin.

pigletmania · 16/11/2011 00:22

Yes kittens you have handled it beautifully. Don't do anything else, just tell the gift organiser that you no longer wish to contribute as you are not invited to the wedding, and just send them a card.

pigletmania · 16/11/2011 00:24

You have no reason to feel humiliated, you found out what a horrible person she is, and that she was not the friend you thought she was. Life is too short, re book your holiday, and you will make true genuine friends, they are out there.

pigletmania · 16/11/2011 00:25

I have onbly a few very good friends, but they would never pull a stunt like that.

KurriKurri · 16/11/2011 00:26

She doesn't sound much of a 'friend' OP. Here's hoping she gets absolutely ratarsed at the wedding, dances on the table with her skirt over her head, then voms spectacularly all over Mr and Mrs BigBoss Grin

eminencegrise · 16/11/2011 00:32

and if you feel weak aruond her, get your DH to handle it. sounds like he's got the measure of her, and she's a great, whacking dose of bitch.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 16/11/2011 06:54

OK, another way of looking at it:

"AIBU? I'm getting married next year, and really struggling with the numbers. One of my oldest and loveliest friends is really shy, and will HATE the reception; she's uncomfortable in big groups of people and just won't enjoy it. Also, it would really mean a lot to my husband to be if we could invite his boss to the meal and evening do - he's been a real mentor and support to my lovely H2B as he's settled into his career.

Would it be awful to invite my friend to the day, which she'll enjoy, and then the boss to the meal and evening part, which friend won't enjoy?"

Ok, I've made up some context, but are you still sure that the bride's a cowbag?

bride-to-be here, agonising over everything I do

EdithWeston · 16/11/2011 07:09

GirlWithALlamaTattoo: if the bride had posted like that, it may have received a more sympathetic response. But it wouldn't be appropriate for the circumstances as described here - it omits that the bride had involved the person she did not wish to invite in planning the reception.

fivegomadindorset · 16/11/2011 07:12

girl sorry yes, still very patronising, hurtful and full of assumptions. Bearing in mind all their university friends are going then OP would have had people that she knew to talk to.

StealthPolarBear · 16/11/2011 07:27

answer would be: "don't be so patronising as to decide on your friend's behalf. Just invite her - she'll tell you if she can't attend"

pigletmania · 16/11/2011 07:37

Girlwith that is up to the op to decide whether she is up to it, not the bride. And to tread over the op for the big boss, I am sure that she could have fitted the op and her dh in, if she was that good a friend.

shesparkles · 16/11/2011 07:37

Serious kudos to you Kitten-you've handled that brilliantly. I know how easy it is to be a bit of a recluse when you're in the throes of depression.

As for the round robin email, I'd just reply saying for them not to include you as you've not been invited, no more, just keep it factual....let your friends ask the bride why not!

creighton · 16/11/2011 07:39

IHeart, I think that you should send the round robin email response, spelling out why you were not invited to the wedding so that the bride cannot lie to others about your absence. Be very polite and factual. Do not send a card or a present. Do not make yourself available for New Year's drinks/lunch etc (especially as she will spend the time telling you how fabulous the wedding was). This person is not your friend.

pigletmania · 16/11/2011 07:43

How come the bride could fit the rest of their uni friends and not op and her dh Hmm, having the audacity to take op along venue hunting when probably knowing full well that she was not going to be invited to the reception Hmm. Using op depression is a poor and quite low excuse.

pigletmania · 16/11/2011 07:45

When I had my wedding, I invited my friends who I knew had depression and like op found social situations hard, I wanted them there, and it was up to them to decline if they could not do it! Not treading over op head in favour of the big boss!

pigletmania · 16/11/2011 07:55

To add, if the bride really genuinely cared for the op and was a good friend, she would have talked about this to the op, and how would she feel about going to the reception, before the invites went out. The fact that the op had to phone her up, and her blithe manner suggested that this was not so. Op was relegated in favour of the big boss and her depression used as an excuse.

NinkyNonker · 16/11/2011 07:57

Wow, I've just come back to this...what a shit!

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