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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 14:29

Thank god my baby days are over, I really mean that. thank fucking god. The thought of a ( perhaps pretty unpleasant or abusive) strange man two foot away from me all night whilst I try to breastfeed is making me want to vomit.

NinkyNonker · 15/11/2011 14:30

I had to stay on a busy post natal ward after dd due to a knock-out-a-horse epidural, a large pph and a v low blood pressure. Dd had been distressed so she needed watching. I was bleeding, had a bloody catheter (in both meanings of the word) and could barely walk without passing out. Too bloody right I needed to be there, and too bloody right I didn't want any more of an audience than necessary, regardless of sex.

DH stayed until the last minute and went home for a few hours kip (we had been awake for nearly 3 days) on my instructions. Yes, I felt like crap but I needed a husband with a clear head and a fresh supply of Haribo. I was especially grateful he had had a little sleep when I then had to argue to be let out.

Next time, I am debating a home birth. Think I am a bit scared though.

alistron1 · 15/11/2011 14:30

I spent 5 days on a post natal ward with my first baby and would have loved to have had DP there for some support. And in my 'vulnerable' state I can assure you all that I wouldn't have given a shit if the local rugby 11 had bedded down on the ward with me.

fotheringhay · 15/11/2011 14:31

VivaLeBeaver - is it definitely going to happen throughout the NHS?

daveywarbeck · 15/11/2011 14:31

me too HarryHill.

Minus273 · 15/11/2011 14:31

OMG viva the PN ward was hell on Earth as it was. I remember the visitors being so close they were leaning on my bed. I mean the visitors for the bed either side. Crib at foot of bed instead of beside me to make room for the visitors. I was in a lot of pain yet trying to function in a way I wouldn't disturb other people's visitors. The noise was horrendous through the night (although I accept unavoidable). I dread to think how much worse it would be with all these extra people. For me a big part of it would be the sheer number of people on the ward overnight.

TroublesomeEx · 15/11/2011 14:32

Well vivalabeaver your post makes me very Sad and hugely relieved that my family is complete.

I'm sure you've come across all sorts in your time. As have I and I would NOT have wanted these men anywhere near myself or my newborn baby under any circumstances.

TroublesomeEx · 15/11/2011 14:32

Least of all when I was asleep.

catgirl1976 · 15/11/2011 14:32

unbelievably the majority of women said they wanted men to stay

I don't think it's unbelievable or surprising in the slightest

I do think it will be hard on a ward and that private rooms are clearly the best option

Minus273 · 15/11/2011 14:32

Meant to add I have already been having nightmares about the PN ward for this time round. It scares me more than childbirth.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 14:36

viva how will cultural issues be addressed? What about women from cultures or religions where it is simply unacceptable for a man to stay in the same room?

What about rape survivors? Vulnerable or abused women? Will they have to stay all night with a strange man next to them?

I have never been more relieved to have had enough babies.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 14:36

The thing is the survey said something along the lines of " would you like your partner to be able to stay overnight?"

So people tick yes.

There was no question along the lines of how do you feel about other peoples partners staying overnight!

I think when it becomes reality we will be having a lot of complaints.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 14:37

Harryhill. - it won't be addressed at all. They'll have to put up with it. They can fill out a complaint form.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 14:39

It will be unworkable. What happens if a man is violent or abusive at 3 am and won't leave? What if he wants to rape his partner?
What if he is abusive to or about a breastfeeding woman in the bed next door? What if two of the fathers start fighting or arguing?

And please, no one say this won't happen.

NotJustKangaskhan · 15/11/2011 14:39

The survey should have asked why the women wanted their partners to stay, that would have been far more eye opening, I think.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 14:39

Jesus viva. I'm not often shocked but fuck me, I am now.

WilsonFrickett · 15/11/2011 14:39

Ah viva sounds like you work where I had DS! (and it was the preferred option over another hospital I hasten to add). There just isn't the room for four extra people (and I mean men or women by that) and I hadn't even considered the buzzer going all night. The MW (singular) on duty had enough to do without answering the door all bleddy night!

Minus273 · 15/11/2011 14:40

Are women who have just given birth going to have to just stay awake at night due to having someone leaning on their bed at either side. I realise they will be up a lot of the night with the baby but I would still like to think I could lie down and snatch some sleep in between times.

What are they going to do about the temperature on the wards? All those extra people will make it warmer.

gordyslovesheep · 15/11/2011 14:40

I had a private room with 2 of the 3 - still wouldn;t want DH to have stayed over night - and yes I did have 2 emcs as well - managed with MW support both times

honestly PLW's are noisey enough without adding extra people - so no OP YANBU

Minus273 · 15/11/2011 14:41

harryhill I predict it will happen the first night of implementation.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 14:43

I feel so strongly about this I am going to write to my MP. And I have never done that before!

Inertia · 15/11/2011 14:43

The ideal is private rooms on all ante-natal wards so that fathers can stay. But realistically, that's not going to happen. The NHS is about to be taken apart at the roots- there's no way that funding will go to providing space for new fathers unless they can pay extra to one of the private companies poised to take over the hospitals.

Wards are just not set up to allow extra people to stay- not enough space for beds, not enough facilities even for the mothers . There was 1 bathroom between 5 women in our bay on the post-natal ward, and it was bad enough if one of the other women was in there and one of us needed the loo- wouldn't fancy also sharing it with 5 men who took the newspaper in for a half-hour lock-in. (The ward had visitors loos which visitors used during visiting hours, so technically they shouldn't have needed to use the ward bathroom- if they are staying over though I think this would be harder to enforce).

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 14:45

Is this what we burned our bras for, honestly?

This is about women's rights FFS!

Can you imagine a vasectomy or prostate ward where men were told women would be sleeping overnight next to them?

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 14:45

Oh god, I hadn't even considered them pissing all over the loo seat!

NotJustKangaskhan · 15/11/2011 14:45

Private rooms are being brought up a lot - at my hospital, men aren't allowed on the ward after 10pm at all, whether on general ward, private room, or high dependency unit, unless they need him to translate.