To want to give birth alone?

[anotheroneintheoven]

I know that without a doubt when the time comes, I will want to hide in away and have full privacy and control over the situation so no one disrupts me from being in my zone.

I did succesfully did this with my last baby. (I have had 3)
And it was the best labour ever. I gave birth with just a Doula who understood how important me being relaxed was for a succesful delivery. When the midwives arrived 20 minutes after the birth, they were so insensitive, having me run around trying to find a hand towel for them.The 20 we already had out had been used, and her majesty, the seasoned 'job done' type midwife wanted to dry her hands after washing them.
The most useful thing they did was pass me a pair of scizzors to cut the cord.

Anyway, I will no doubt oblige to midwives being there next time, 'just in case the baby dies' . The whole world and it's dog will hold me personally responsible, so okay I'll deal with the midwives coming out and only allow them in the room when needed.

Now my main problem is my partner, who certainly does not help at all when a situation arrises, he makes things even more stressful by freaking out.
Him increasing my stress levels is not something I feel is worth risking, as stress does cause delivery complications.

DP feels he has 'the right' to see his child being born and he'll be there whether I like it or not, which really annoyes me.
It's my sodding birth, surely.

If there's one day in womans life where she should have control over the situation, it's when she's giving birth, surely.

AIBU?

He did help get it in there.... to be fair.

Er..... Im a bit stuck here Im not sure whether I think you are BU. I can see your point...but its your husbands baby too... Assuming you both made the baby together and you didnt do this on your own too ?!

Would it not be better to explain to your husband exactly what you want and how it needs to be calm etc and then he can assist in the calmness rather than be banished?

"It's my sodding birth, surely."

Sorry, you sound incredibly selfish and irresponsible. It's your BABY'S birth, not yours, and of course your partner wants to be there. You need to think about what is best for your baby, not what is best for you, you don't sound mature or responsible enough to understand that.

YANBU for wanting your labour and birthing experience to be as relaxed and stress-free as possible. YABU to exclude your partner from being present at the birth of a child that you both are equally responsible for. Will he compromise and only come in once you're at pushing stage if you feel that him being there makes the other stages of labour too stressful for you?

YANBU

My husband was a stessed out twat throughout labour so I know what you mean and he complained that the armchair in the hospital was so uncomfortable he couldn't sleep, I nearly fucking killed him! See my retrospective anger has lead to tourette's.

You need to think about what is best for your baby,

unless the father is a trained midwife, I doubt the baby will actually get any benefit

Do you believe birth is a situation that you can have complete control over? That it will just happen exactly as you want to because that's how you want it to?

Actually its the BABY'S birth.

YABU

What is best for the baby, is that I am calm, relaxed and feel secure during labour.
Stress of the mother leads to the labour actually stopping and the baby's life being risked if the mother isn't in the right place mentally and physically.

Sadly DP can't get to grips on how he needs to literally act like a piece of furniture if he insists on being there. He's too full of himself on his rights to get that actually it is all about me while I'm giving birth Which is why I feel he will cause problems

OP - just to be clear - did you engineer an unassisted birth last time and is that your plan for this time?

Northernlucker, speaking exclusively from EXPERIENCE. I now know that my mindset is crucial to a succesfull and safe birth for our baby.

Foxy, good idea, perhaps I can comprimise on allowing him in during the pushing stage.
I feel I'd need security on board though, to drag the fucker out of there should he start causing me problems.
Perhaps the doula we hire will sort him out.
I just don't know he freaks out good and proper, it's SO unhelpful

Could you ask your doula if she could run a being supportive class for birth partners? I understand that feeling of wanting to hide away and have peace and privacy when you give birth. One of my ds's was born at home. However you never know when you might need a midwife and for that reason I wouldn't do it. Ironically the one of mine that everyone was doom and gloom about and saying that I'd probably need all sorts of interventions was the one who was complication free. All the midwife did was tell me when to push and when to pant because I was paranoid that a third baby would come shooting out and cause a tear.

YANBU!
What's best for baby is a nice relaxed mum. That decreases the chances of complications to mum & baby. Having had my last two at home, I made it quite clear to those attending me what I expected of them. I was lucky that they understood that in wanting a relaxed, quiet, natural birth was the safest option for me & baby.
Yes, your hubby did help to get baby in there and is an equal parent, but he does not have to get the baby out! He should support you in giving birth in the way that you want as long as it's safe and raesonable.
Good Luck!

No, the midwive said I had ages to go and left and then when we called and said I'm pushing it still took her half an hour to get back.

I'm complying to assistance during the pushing and actual delivery part (the last 20 minutes or so)

Oh dear :( Could you maybe work together on how he behaves during birth so it's less stressful for you? It must be pretty rubbish for the both of you to be combating over this issue and making it a matter of who has what right. Would he be willing to work on his "freak outs"? Because that does sound less than helpful when you're going through labour. Right now it sounds like neither of you are going to happy with whatever choice, so him working on his stressiness could be a fair compromise.

I think the needs of the baby trump the wants of the mother and the needs of the mother trump the wants of the father. It must be lovely to see your baby being born but if by doing that you are hindering the mother then you shouldn't be there.

'What is best for the baby, is that I am calm, relaxed and feel secure during labour.Stress of the mother leads to the labour actually stopping and the baby's life being risked if the mother isn't in the right place mentally and physically.'

Oh you silly, silly,selfish woman. So if you're calm and relaxed that will prevent any one of the many unforeseen obstetric emergencies that can and do arise during labour? I suggest instead of being so irresponsible and self centred you watch this video, which addresses the fact that 350,000 women die in childbirth every year, mostly through unattended births.

www.atlasofbirth.com/action.php

Watch it, and feel ashamed that you are deliberately eschewing the medical care that these women would all kill for. Don't trot out any nonsense about birth being a natural process and your body knowing what to do - if that were the case, why would all these thousands of women die every year? Birth can be a dangerous and risky process.

Are you so selfish that you are willing to risk your baby's safety just so YOU can feel good and get the birth YOU want? What kind of birth do you think your baby would choose?

I am weeks away from giving birth to my 4th child. I had a dreadful hospital experience with no.3 and am very frightened about the birth of no.4. However it would not occur to me for a minute to put my own experience ahead of my baby's safety and well being and do what you are planning to do.

It is not 'actually all about you' when you give birth, it is actually about you AND your baby. If things go wrong, and they do in the real world, regardless of however calm the mother feels, your baby's life and health is the one risked.

I pray that you will see sense, or that someone else will make you see sense, before your precious baby is born. Not sure if I can continue reading this thread, I cannot bear women like you, so spoilt and selfish,it's quite revolting to me actually - makes my blood literally boil.

I agree you need to work together on this because this event is not all about you. it's about your family. Your dp should be able to see his child born.

I hope everything goes as smoothly as you assume it will.

ami - the OP has indicated she is not planning an unassisted birth but will have the midwife there for the delivery though not during the labour. We just have to hope that this does not lead to a complication being missed until the delivery is at a critical point.

I'm surprised about your midwives. I delivered in hospital, and stated minimal intervention if possible. She was lovely, I did have an internal when I was admitted (my choice) and then she popped in and out to check we were ok. Then as the action hotted up she sat quietly doing some paperwork. I said I think I want to push and she said ok and came over to help/guide baby out no internal. Honestly she was so quietly supportive. I wish everyone could have had her. I'm about to have my 3rd and I hope I get someone like her.

I totally understand your need for minimal fuss. So just explain your birth plan to your partner as you would your midwife. So my partner knew I didn't want to make light conversation, or have a massage or hold hands. He sat in the chair until I asked him something,usually the time until he cut the cord. He knew we wanted him there to see his child born and as mine and the baby's advocate should anything go wrong. Don't deny your partner the amazing experience of seeing his child come into the world, just be clear what you need.

I'm sorry but you sound like a bit of a 'pregnantzilla' to be honest.

"Oblige to midwives being there"

WTF? You're lucky to have medical intervention even if you're not thankful for it.

I wish you a safe and happy birth...but FFS chill out. You're having a baby, not composing an overture.

Northern - I still think it's incredibly stupid and can't begin to understand why anybody would risk this. My DD's heart rate decelerated suddenly during labour at the end stages and she got stuck. Literally had to be pulled out with forceps with no time for anasthetic. If they hadn't realised this was happening, the outcome could have been awful. Previous two births were normal. There is no way of telling what might happen - labour is an unpredictable business and to say that the mother having a calm and relaxed attitude can prevent these emergencies is beyond naive - the best way to prevent disasters occurring in childbirth is to have medical professionals there!

PS OP you sound like you don't like or respect your DP very much from the way you speak about him - poor guy.

OP despite what other have said I think YANBU. If you don't want him there and there is no physical benefit to him being there (like the midwives) then he should not be there.

To the people saying its not YOUR birth, yes it fucking is. Its hers and the baby's, she is the one giving birth how is it not her birth?

I felt the same with DS.

I actually hired an independent midwife who had attended hundreds of births, was highly qualified and experienced which gave me assurance if anything went wrong as she'd know when to call paramedics if need be. Wouldn't have done it without her.

However I also knew it was important DH was there because it was his child too. We spent a lot of time talking about the labour and I explained how I'd like him to behave and what I needed. He was brilliant. I remember being worried he might not get it but he did and did everything right.

I think you need medical professionals there and you need a birth partner who can handle them if they're making things difficult for you (eg telling the MWs where to find the towels!!).

Poor DH