To want to give birth alone?

[anotheroneintheoven]

I know that without a doubt when the time comes, I will want to hide in away and have full privacy and control over the situation so no one disrupts me from being in my zone.

I did succesfully did this with my last baby. (I have had 3)
And it was the best labour ever. I gave birth with just a Doula who understood how important me being relaxed was for a succesful delivery. When the midwives arrived 20 minutes after the birth, they were so insensitive, having me run around trying to find a hand towel for them.The 20 we already had out had been used, and her majesty, the seasoned 'job done' type midwife wanted to dry her hands after washing them.
The most useful thing they did was pass me a pair of scizzors to cut the cord.

Anyway, I will no doubt oblige to midwives being there next time, 'just in case the baby dies' . The whole world and it's dog will hold me personally responsible, so okay I'll deal with the midwives coming out and only allow them in the room when needed.

Now my main problem is my partner, who certainly does not help at all when a situation arrises, he makes things even more stressful by freaking out.
Him increasing my stress levels is not something I feel is worth risking, as stress does cause delivery complications.

DP feels he has 'the right' to see his child being born and he'll be there whether I like it or not, which really annoyes me.
It's my sodding birth, surely.

If there's one day in womans life where she should have control over the situation, it's when she's giving birth, surely.

AIBU?

Also OP have you had scans during this pregnancy? Blood tests? MW appointments? Like it or not, they're all medical interventions - how many of us in this country actually have a medical free pregnancy? So why not accept (at least the minimum) during labour?

Iggly that's brilliant, how much did it cost?
If Ifeel that he 'gets it' at any point, then I'll allow him in. It's his attitude of rightousness which makes me not want to risk his presence as I know he wont leave if I feel I need him to. Arg.

YANBU to want a calm birth - but the biggest question is, why is your DH such a useless plank during labour? What does he do when he 'freaks out'? What is he trying to achieve? Why can't you communicate what he needs to do to him?

God, I remember my first - at home in a March. My husband had no idea of what birth entails; well nor did I. We arranged that it would take place at home (nowhere else available at that time - because we had running water - would you believe it?) and when it was actually happening with the midwife present, I shouted at him to GET OUT of the bedroom. So he did. But, when it was over, the midwife gave him the placenta to wrap in newspaper and burn on the sitting room fire. The second baby arrived 14 months later (with a neighbour sitting with DH) and the same happened except that it was summer and the placenta was given to him to be burned in a garden bonfire that he had to 'introduce'.

Yes, it was 'some time' ago but we got over it and forgot about it (well I didn't). But the neighbour was supportive.

Mrs Thake, are you there?

Iggly
We're having scans privately at the moment. I'm 9 weeks, have had two so far. We're taking the health very seriously.

I feel I'm fully capable of giving birth, so long as I'm in control.
And of course, the baby's in position and the cord isn't around the neck etc, which is why a midwife is necessary for part of it.

YANBU to not want your partner there if he's going to freak or distress you out.

As or the rest of it, I don't really get the notion of 'my birth' or the need to be psychologically / physically 'in the zone', because of very personal reasons - I wanted my baby here alive, really couldn't have given a flying fuck about ANYTHING else and knew I would have a high risk, high intervention and very medicalised birth from the start. And I am 100% grateful I was fortunate enough to have that medical assistance. I had a 'friend' at antenatal spout bollocks to me about how I was wrecking my bonding chances and successful BF and would have a horrific time because of my induction etc - til I pointed out DS had a high chance of serious problems as did I if I did her kind of hypno birth at home thing (incidentally she had an EMCS as did I - she bow hasn't bonded with her DD because she feels her DD 'let her down' as did her body....)

Anyway, I digress. As usual.

So no idea if YABU on any of the other things mentioned as no idea about that kind of mindset.

Good luck to you and your partner for a successful safe birth.

I have to say, the only righteousness I'm getting is coming from you. Are you usually this nasty about him?

Expensive - about £3k. But you can pay in instalments (well ours gave use that option). Worth every penny.

I was very adamant with DH in our many talks I made it clear what was expected of him and he stepped up. I was particularly stressed about the idea of him being stressed and worried so explained he had to be calm or sort himself out if he felt he wasn't coping as I would certainly not be helping him. Having the midwife helped too because we saw her weekly and she was able to allay DH's fears (appointments were an hour and she encouraged questions).

I'm expecting again (36 weeks) but can't afford the midwife so going NHS. I'm already gearing up for getting DH to act as advocate, keeping the MWs hands off - but they will be there and avoiding unnecessary interventions (eg internal exams - only had one last time) etc.

Inflames.
I also thought hypnotism and such was complete bollox until I did it. I had hospital devilveries with my first two and had epidurals and other meds.
So I understand your mindset as is currently is.

I found that when I got into 'the zone' with my third, it was the most effective pain releif I'd ever had.

Thanks for the wishes.

Gwen our relaionship issues are another story

Iggly, that isexpensive. Sounds like you hada midwifetrained Doula (perfect)

I think most NHS midwives are nice.
If you're able to have your DP understand and help out then more power to you.
I will keep trying.

Think I may have looked into other possibilities - esp water birth - if I had 'normal' conception and pregnancy, but for me the risks were way too high - many major gynae surgeries to get pregnant, pre-existing diabetes and few other issues thrown in for good measure! So was always going to be early induction and flat on back with continuous monitoring. As it was I ended up with a 38 hour induction and EMCS - but managed pain with just gas an air. For me it was the perfect birth because DS arrived safely, and I was alive (despite haemorrhaging!).

I do find it fascinating how women perceive birth and their experiences and find it horrifying that so many women end up traumatised. Whether that's about too much medical intervention (as I suspect) or about expectations being too high I don't know.

Anyway I digress again - really sorry if I sounded dismissive or rude, I am sensitive around the issue of the rejection of medical input I suspect. Good luck again!

YANBU to not have your partner there if you really would feel better able to cope without him. He doesn't actually have a right to be there, although most couples seem to prefer it that way. In fact you don't need a 'birth partner' at all. If I was giving birth now I would actually choose to do it without one, for several reasons.
YABU if you are planning on doing it without a trained health professional [I can't quite gat the gist of your post].

of course you don't have to have your DH there if you don't want. you are giving birth, not him.

Well, actually you sound so tightly-wound and combatitive that I suspect your only chance of a calm birth is a general anaesthetic and a c-section.

Does your DP know you refer to him as "fucker"?

you're selfish.

And sound like an utter pain in the arse.

I do hope the "fucker" reminds you when you are doing all the night feeds, nappy changes, and anything else, that its "your" baby, and nothing to do with him.

YANBU
if it's silly and selfish not to want the fussing scaremongers there for your birth then I am silly and selfish too. They were no jolly use and if DH had been as bad as them I'd have evicted him too.

Rather than being caught up in who 'owns' the birth and who has rights to what, perhaps you should spend time actually talking to your partner about your concerns and what you need from him at that time.

Also, keeping your midwife out the room til the very end denies her the opportunity to visually assess your labour, critical to her understanding of whats goign on for you and your baby. Asking her to drop in at the end and sort out any trouble is crap, for her and for you & your baby.

Oh, and how DARE she want to dry her hands after washing them before touching you/baby.

Agree with above, how could you actually have children with someone you think so badly of?

surely if he wants to be at the 'birth', thats the bit where the baby pops out , so he can come in for that part ,by which time you will be well in your zone and probably wont notice him even if he was doing cartwheels . Just tell him to leave you be while you are in labour.

Are you being unreasonable ? Try re-reading your post. Unreasonable doesn't even begin to cover it. It's vile.

I don't think it's 'silly or selfish' to want as least a medical birth a possible but those 'fussing scaremongers' saved my life, my baby's life and scores of other lives.

Christ woman why you having a baby with your husband it sounds like you can't stand him??