To want to give birth alone?

[anotheroneintheoven]

I know that without a doubt when the time comes, I will want to hide in away and have full privacy and control over the situation so no one disrupts me from being in my zone.

I did succesfully did this with my last baby. (I have had 3)
And it was the best labour ever. I gave birth with just a Doula who understood how important me being relaxed was for a succesful delivery. When the midwives arrived 20 minutes after the birth, they were so insensitive, having me run around trying to find a hand towel for them.The 20 we already had out had been used, and her majesty, the seasoned 'job done' type midwife wanted to dry her hands after washing them.
The most useful thing they did was pass me a pair of scizzors to cut the cord.

Anyway, I will no doubt oblige to midwives being there next time, 'just in case the baby dies' . The whole world and it's dog will hold me personally responsible, so okay I'll deal with the midwives coming out and only allow them in the room when needed.

Now my main problem is my partner, who certainly does not help at all when a situation arrises, he makes things even more stressful by freaking out.
Him increasing my stress levels is not something I feel is worth risking, as stress does cause delivery complications.

DP feels he has 'the right' to see his child being born and he'll be there whether I like it or not, which really annoyes me.
It's my sodding birth, surely.

If there's one day in womans life where she should have control over the situation, it's when she's giving birth, surely.

AIBU?

Evil, you say that 'Medical professionals do not know everything.'

they know more than you or me or the OP. Never fails to amaze me how women giving birth suddenly think they know more than professionals who have trained for years, just because they've done a bit of selective reading on the internet.

It's not my business how someone wants to give birth till they post on an internet forum asking for opinions.

Thank you.

Interesting word.

The posters foaming at the mouth do realise that you get 'proper monitoring' and 'medical care' out of a hospital and with caring, non invasive midwives dont you?

Or does 'proper' have to mean clinical and in a pale blue room with metal beds and buzzers?

No you are telling her how to think and that is not your business.

You are ranting and foaming about someone's desires and wishes not their actions.

You are not addressing the facts. You are posting about what you have imagined the OP is like (and anyone who doesnt agree with you). You have a sterotype in your head and you are railing against this idea, not the reality.

You are not medically qualified either so you are not in a position to pontificate about what is 'best for baby' or for the mother.

How do you know what is best? Based on your experience? Why does your experience trump mine or someone else's?

Why are you the expert on the best way to give birth?

Well you can't have proper monitoring if you won't let the mw in the room which is what the op wants

I must have been lucky with my 4 births, all in hospital mw lovely and no medical intervention unless needed. Where are all these mw that interfere constantly and why do people think they are more likely to be in hospitals than in the community

The midwife at my antenatal class just last night was advocating birth centre births, water births and active birth positions. She said that stress can stop or hinder labour. She said intervention such as epidurals lead to more intervention and medicalised births and cautioned against it unless you needed it.

We're really lucky in this country that we have choices and that medical professionals are looking at alternatives to medicalised births for women that don't need them. If you do or your baby needs intervention that's a different matter IMHO. This isn't the 3rd world and the antenatal care the op has will surely pick up any pre existing issues that would stop her from being able to attempt a safe home birth.

If op's husband isn't able to support her then he'll be a hindrance. Seeing as though she's had several children already, perhaps he isn't able to not panic - who knows? She seems to be in a bit of a state already, which is perhaps understandable if she's had bad experiences.

moomin I meant to say how sorry I was about your loss. Sorry for not doing that last night.

The OP does want to keep the midwives out of the room but she will have them there. If they are there they would not just sit in the hallway doing nothing for hours.

They will come in, do what they need to do and withdraw. That is proper monitoring.

I totally understand the desire to go away and have a baby on your own. I wouldnt do it and most women dont. Wanting it is not selfish.

We all come to our labours with different fears and experiences. They are all valid.

I can understand your sentiment OP. When I was pregnant with dd, I was nervous about how dh would handle his stress - and was concerned he would be quite pro intervention, out of concern for the baby and for me. We did hypnobirthing and an active birth course together. The active birth course was particularly brilliant and helped us get totally aligned - to the point where he was supportive of me wanting a home birth.

As it turned out, dd was prem - so our dreams of a home water birth were scuppered and I was quite heavily monitored in hospital. However, having dh there and knowing we were on the same page allowed me to relax and focus on giving birth, while he worked with the midwives to find the safest way of giving me space to move about and focus, and helping me to feel relaxed and in control. This was so useful as it meant he could do the thinking with a clear head, applying our ideals to the context we were in. As i knew we were aligned I was 100% able to trust his judgement (needing to push in second stage when I wanted to slow down, for example), and it was so wonderful not to have to think and to be able to focus on working with my body instead. Dd is fine now, and I was lucky in that her birth was quick and free of intervention. I don't think that would necessarily have been the case without the active birth course or dh's support.

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I hope things get better for you and your dh and that you find a way to work together for the birth and beyond. Good luck!

OP i hate having anything medical around me, it gives me panic attacks in fact.
My 4 babies were all born in hospital because i had preeclampsia (two were induced early because of it) and it is possible to do what you describe even in a hospital let alone at home (not saying you should go to hospital thats just my experience). My induced labours were slightly different obviously being incduced plus i wasnt well and the babies were premature so HAD to have midwives and doctors around. However, even in these births when it came time to push the doctor went to wait in the next room and just left me, dh and the midwives it was calm relaxed and they even dimmed the lights then the doctor came in when the babies had arrived to see to us.

With the ones that were not early, i told them i didnt want any more intervention than needed no constant monitoring (although i did have checks on the heartbeat) and no examinations etc they left me to it and we rang the bell when i started pushing. I didnt have a single panic attack which considering i have one going to the chemist (!) is amazing.

As for you dh being there, you are right since you are the one being in pain then you would have final say BUT i feel sorry for your dh, all men i have spoken to have said how wonderful it is to see their child born and it IS his child after all even if he just stands backto one side of the room i think if possible he should be there.

NICE guidelines recommend that the midwife listens in to the baby once every 15 minutes, at least in first stage. She can monitor the baby without talking or disrupting the OP. If all is well she can sit outside the door as soon as this is done. Actually many women labouring in understaffed CLU 's are having less monitoring than this.

I had a home water birth because I too have severe stress and panic reactions to a hospital environment. A midwife checked me in the early stages then went away. Midwives returned when I was in transition, monitored the heartbeat and looked at me without getting in my face or giving me an internal as I was in the pool and then kept quiet, I caught my own baby and he was checked and then had a natural third stage, they stitched me and cleared up and went away.

I did not want drugs drips epidurals or anything like that and was lucky enough not to have them but if I had been to hospital I would probably have had them as my labour was three days long. I knew what was would stress and panic me and interfere with the important natural hormones that work during labour to help me and the baby work together smoothly and safely. I wanted the safest birth possible FOR ME AND MY SON and that meant, for us, at home, in darkness and peace. My husband and Doula were great but if my DH had been a panicked I would have requested him not to be there.

Hospitals are not the only way and for many people not the safest way.
The OP has said she will have midwives there but like me she knows a calm and non medical environment is what is likely to lead to a better outcome, since drugs and interventions and monitoring and audiences make her strewed and stress is the enemy of labour hormones doing their job.

This is science, not make believe. Oxytocin, and labour hormones are

suppressed by adrenalin and stress hormones

S avoiding stressors IS doing the right thing for your baby when labour, with the caveat that sometimes things do go wrong and medical intervention is needed.

Which is precisely why she has said she will have it to hand, I imagine, and I am very disappointed by some of the aggression and nastiness on this thread.

Not to mention the projection...

It always gets me time and time again that though that peoples feelings affects their health and well being and ability to cope is a well proven fact in many situations - and a wide spread of medical situations including childbirth - people deny it.

Why? of course how you feel affects how it goes

what the fuck do you think the placebo effect is about?

why do you think Hospitals employ 'play therapists' to keep little kids happy during their treatment? Proven benefit.

why do you think doctors who listen to their patients get better results?

'Iatrogenic problems' and 'iatrophobia' are well documented and accounted for in many areas of medicine - to the point where high blood pressure is best measured by 24 hour cuff rather than the reading in the surgery - why is more not made of this in childbirth?

and why do we say 'doctor knows best' - Doctors disagree!

Anotheroneintheoven, I don't know if you're still reading (wouldn't be surprised if you weren't with all those posters you don't really seem to understand), but here's a blog I really like:

rixarixa.blogspot.com

This lady has done a PhD on unassisted birth in America, works as an academic, is very active in the home birth movement, has attended many births from how it sounds, and gave birth to her three children at home, two of them unassisted.

Read her birth stories. Some of it is slightly scary, but only when you forget all the experience she has. Yes, her youngest stopped breathing shortly after birth, but she knew exactly what to do, so IMO there's no difference between her doing the resuscitation herself or someone else doing it who has the same level of knowledge, possibly less.
Her husband only seems to have been in the room for short bits of time and at the end when the babies came out.

Your DH might have helped make the baby, but if he's more hinderance than help, he has no right to be at the birth. If he's in the next room and you leave the doors open, for example, he can hear what's going on and is close if you do need him, but this way he is not in the way.

Perhaps he could read the dad's birth story on the blog. This dad doesn't seem to have felt excluded at all.

Don't let all the nay sayers put you off. You've given birth to three healthy babies from how it sounds. Only you know your body

Ffs and how would she have resusatated the baby if something happened to her for example a massive bleed?

You don't always know your own body, that's a ridiculous thing to say, if we did we wouldn't need medical professionals to diagnose us.

I have nothing against home births but have a mw there and let her do what she has to, as for the husband I still think you should spend time telling him what you need from him rather than totally disregarding him. If something were to go wrong with you or the baby would you want him with you?

She has said there will be a midwife, ffs

Where I gave birth in Cyprus, their policy is not to let the husbands in the delivery room. Was scared at first to do it on my own, but when I got going I felt it was better cuz it meant I could concentrate completely on the job in hand.

Wow, most people here consider me a 'selfish cow' because my main priority isn't putting on a pleasing performance for the husband, during childbirth.

Asthemiswife said in here, it's well known among medical professionals that homebirth is SAFER in straightforward pregnancies.
Therefor I'd be a selfish cow risking my baby's life more so if I went to the hospital where I feel very uncomfortable and wouldn't be able to relax (as I had to go through for the first two labours)

Ignorance breeds hatred.

You hate selfish cows like me because you refuse to learn and try to understand.

I will be having my baby at home with a midwife on standby to help during the pushing stage.
DP can be here if he agrees to leave the room if I'm not comfortable with him there.

I wouldn't give a flying fuck if DP left me because I took away his god given right.
As long as my birth goes well and my babies delivered safely and calmy I'm happy.

Well said anotherone YOU are giving birth, nobody else and you need to do so in a way which makes you feel safe and secure.

Right...Ok
Really can't be bothered.

MidwivesDeliver just to respond to the first part of yourpost,
I think you're right, people whowork on labour wards can lose track how important the womans experience is, because they want less death statistics.
Just as I believe the conslutant did in my last pregnancy, first time meeting her, she was a stand in, my usualconsultant had agreed there wasnoincreased risk by me having a homebirth and togoforit if it'smy wish.
Well this other consultant came in and said she thinks the baby may be very small, and wanted to induce me, also suggested that I should go into a mother and baby unit (and live without my 2yr old childfor severalmonths) because she thought I would likely suffer depression, as I had 8 years prior to that.
Guess what, I went home and delivered a perfectly healthy 7lb13 baby, is that small? never suffered depression at all.

I do not trust people knowing whats best for me and my children just because of their job title.

I go by somthing called maternal instinct.

Unless my babies or I are actual ill, of course we'd see a doctor.

Midwivesdeliver, thank you that was alovely supportive post, thank you very much, and Dilly for being supportive. Thanks

I haven't read whole thread. I had an independant midwife at home - lovely labour. If you can afford it do it- my midwife does a birth only package. You would have a midwife - who would support you in the peaceful way you need but also be able to offer medical care.

I think people were more bothered about your attitude and tone of your posts than simply your choices.

It was the whole, "i'll have a midwife there if i have to" thing, that annoyed me. And the attitude to "just in case the baby days ".

Perhaps you might want to consider that in context of what people posted. I think you would have had a much better and supportive response if you hadn't have been so abrasive or shown your husband such contempt by calling him a "fucker".

But there you go. Feel free to post even more hatred. I'm not sure its been bred purely from ignorance. Hatred breeds hatred too.