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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to give birth alone?

219 replies

anotheroneintheoven · 06/11/2011 19:58

I know that without a doubt when the time comes, I will want to hide in away and have full privacy and control over the situation so no one disrupts me from being in my zone.

I did succesfully did this with my last baby. (I have had 3)
And it was the best labour ever. I gave birth with just a Doula who understood how important me being relaxed was for a succesful delivery. When the midwives arrived 20 minutes after the birth, they were so insensitive, having me run around trying to find a hand towel for them.The 20 we already had out had been used, and her majesty, the seasoned 'job done' type midwife wanted to dry her hands after washing them.
The most useful thing they did was pass me a pair of scizzors to cut the cord.

Anyway, I will no doubt oblige to midwives being there next time, 'just in case the baby dies' Hmm. The whole world and it's dog will hold me personally responsible, so okay I'll deal with the midwives coming out and only allow them in the room when needed.

Now my main problem is my partner, who certainly does not help at all when a situation arrises, he makes things even more stressful by freaking out.
Him increasing my stress levels is not something I feel is worth risking, as stress does cause delivery complications.

DP feels he has 'the right' to see his child being born and he'll be there whether I like it or not, which really annoyes me.
It's my sodding birth, surely.

If there's one day in womans life where she should have control over the situation, it's when she's giving birth, surely.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Flanelle · 06/11/2011 22:14

Yes and no. Mostly no. I do get it. But don't lock horns with DH about it. Imagine the situation reversed. How awful and painful to be unwanted when your baby is being born and your spouse is giving birth. Such a rejection.

He wants to be there for you! Now he needs to know HOW to be there for you and with you.

WibblyBibble · 06/11/2011 22:16

No, your partner has absolutely no 'right' to be there at all- that's absurd and I'm shocked that so many people are saying he does. Just as he wouldn't have a right to force anything else to do with your body e.g. abortion, to go to a smear test with you should he decide that was something that was his business, to look at your medical notes, etc, etc. You are an adult and no one else has the right to invade your privacy without your consent. FFS, this is not a really out-there concept, and I'm left wondering if some people on here think that women should be forced to let rapists or abusers into the delivery room if they happen to have provided the sperm that was involved in a pregnancy. Completely mental.

PenguinArmy · 06/11/2011 22:22

I'm with wibble I thought it was accepted that the women undergoing labour has whoever she wants (in addition to a MW) there as support. Watching the child being born has no reflection on his parenting abilities and it's important for the women to feel comfortable (as much as that can be done)

TheSecondComing · 06/11/2011 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrBloomsNursery · 06/11/2011 22:23

What, she didn't mind her "privacy being invaded" when she was shagging him to get pregnant, but suddenly when it comes to giving birth to the child they BOTH made together, he's shunted aside? Where's the logic?

Mum1369 · 06/11/2011 22:24

Absolutely thesecondcoming. Absolutely awful. Quite astounded anybody could be quite that selfish and insensitive.

Flanelle · 06/11/2011 22:25

OP is worried about how he'll behave? If he could be helped to behave in ways that would support her, would that be better?

No, he has no absolute right to be there. But if I were a dad I'd love to be there. I'd hate to be excluded. Surely there's a way? He's going to be in on the rearing and waking and nappying and stuff too, no?

crashdoll · 06/11/2011 22:27

Comparing a man forcing his wife to have an abortion and a man wanting to be there for his child's birth is absolutely absurd and really quite vile.

PinkFondantFancy · 06/11/2011 22:35

How about going to a class such as a hypnobirthing or active birthing class where DP can learn how to support you effectively.

I'd second the independent midwife suggestion. I had one for my homebirth earlier this year and she was wonderful. Monitored everything v quietly and as unobtrusively as possible while giving me the confidence that medical assistance was on hand if needed.

Hardgoing · 06/11/2011 23:16

You can feel a bit like a performing spectacle when giving birth and it isn't always conducive to doing what you have to do (I am not talking about medical emergencies, in which case, the more the merrier). However, it seems a bit mean to allow the midwives to be present (can't they be in the house but not watching if you have a doula?) and not your husband?

I am not one of those people who thinks husbands or partners have to be present, I gave birth to my first without my husband was there and was very grateful he wasn't, it just wasn't a beautiful birth, I won't go on about it, but I think he was spared. He saw the second, but isn't that fussed about any future ones. It's just not his/our thing.

But that's up to him, if he wanted to be there very very much, I would go out of my way to incorporate that, given that giving birth is somewhat of a compromise unless you are completely going it alone, which isn't what you want.

Toplistmaker · 06/11/2011 23:41

Its not really about 'rights' surely? Talk to each other about your hopes for the delivery. You do sound like you massively dislike your DH, you should be glad your DH actually wants to be there, although it sounds like this is a complete power struggle and you may be a teensy bit controling! Hmm

Original poster
anotheroneintheoven · 06/11/2011 23:53

I'm controlling when it comes to a few things in life;
Who looks after my children,
that anyone around me is calm at a time when being calm is crucial and being all over the show could lead to stress which could lead to complications that could endanger my baby's life.

I think it is a fair comment to say that I sound as though I dislike DP in recent comments. Sometimes I do to be honest.

Will I be so in control when it comes tonight feeds etc?
I already am, hunnie. I just breastfed my toddler to sleep, and sat with and stroked my disabled son's arm for 45 minutes until he fell asleep. (this is the norm)
DP is round his friends tonight.

I will keep trying with communication. But he can't be present unless he understands how to be supportive.

OP posts:
A1980 · 06/11/2011 23:55

I don't have time to read the whole thing and it's probably been said but:

It's my sodding birth, surely.

Umm no! Your birth took place when your mother gave birth to you. This is your baby's birth.

But then I am of the school of thought that beleives as long as your child is alive and well who bloody cares how the birth went. It's one day out a whole lifetime of being with your child. Also you sound as if you are trying to plan and have complete control over an event that you can't predict or control. Maybe you'll give birth naturally by yourself or maybe you'll end up in hospital during it having an emergency c-section. You just don't know.

Also and perhaps you will realise how very lucky you are in this country. Rejecting all medical assistance when some people could only be so lucky.

Original poster
anotheroneintheoven · 06/11/2011 23:58

I do care how it goes. Stress in labour can CAUSE the need for a c-section and forceps etcs. Stress can bring my body labouring to a halt.

Thank you for all the nice posts in here btw, where people understand where i'm coming from x

OP posts:
NotJustKangaskhan · 06/11/2011 23:59

I don't think you are unreasonable about wanting to -- it's a very vulnerable time and how we handle that is very individual. I've certainly felt the desire to just want to hide away from everyone. For me, this is a mix of my own personality and trust issues, particularly with HCPs (was assaulted by HCPs when I was 18 and pregnant, which sadly is just the tip of the iceberg of...unprofessional behaviour I've handled from HCPs). I've also had an unplanned before arrival, with just my DH, with paramedics showing up just after DD1 was born and it was by far my best birth. So, I understand the wanting to give birth alone.

However, I do think you are being unreasonable to think we are ever in full control of the situation (or any situation). Checking the heart during labour is a good way of checking baby's health during what is a very difficult time for the baby as well and having access to the services should you need prompt care can be vital. Having had a homebirth transfer with DD2 where they were setting things up while I was in transit (and still setting things up when I arrived as traffic was with us), it was quite reassuring.

As for your DH, there should be a lot more conversations. Maybe he acts that way because he wants to help but as no idea how? It can be very scary for partners to feel so powerless and that often causes odd reactions. Would something like "Emergency Childbirth" (a guide written for laypeople to ensure care while waiting for further care, for both mother and child - there are quite a few free PDFs of it over the internet as it is quite old, but still useful) by useful for him to help him feel more confident of his ability to care for you?

Northernlurker · 07/11/2011 00:00

Oh dear Op - tbh I think who is with you at the birth is the least of your worries.

mjlovesscareypants · 07/11/2011 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

A1980 · 07/11/2011 00:04

Oh dear Op - tbh I think who is with you at the birth is the least of your worries.

Indeed. Reding waht she's said about her Op, I doubt he'll be her Op that much longer.

A1980 · 07/11/2011 00:04

^ DP sorry.

Original poster
anotheroneintheoven · 07/11/2011 00:05

Thank you, yes I think any reading would be good for him on how to help. We could go through it together.
I will look that up.

Funnily enough my birth before medics got there was my best too, but hey ho

OP posts:
Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 07/11/2011 00:07

YANBU - If this is what you want you should have it as you are the one giving birth. I can understand why your DH would be upset and he's allowed to make the argument to you that it would benefit your family if he were there. But at the end of the day you are the one giving birth and you think he will be more hindrance then help stick to your guns.

shamelesslynamechanging · 07/11/2011 00:09

I agree with worraliberty.

you are technically within your rights to refuse to have your DH there. but you do come across as as unpleasant, miserable and controlling.

and being sarcastic about "just in case the baby dies" is vile. my baby nearly did die in labour, and it was medical intervention summoned by the midwives that saved her. don't be so fucking flippant and nasty. i namechanged for another thread today, but yours made me so cross i responded anyway.

Northernlurker · 07/11/2011 00:12

The reason 'accidental' unattended births are 'better' is not the absence of medical staff. It's because the body and the baby are perfectly aligned to deliver very quickly and easily so there isn't enough time to get medical staff in. Of course a birth that is very straightforward is 'better'.
That's luck though - not good management.

pinkee · 07/11/2011 00:13

OP I find that one sentence in your opening post really incredibly insensitive, to all the women who have lost their babies.

I really do hope that you have the birth you want and all goes well.

And if you do need MW's then I hope they are wonderful and caring and experienced.

quietlyafraid · 07/11/2011 00:21

Words fail me.

I completely understand the stress being kept to a minimum, but it sounds like you are taking things beyond that. I'm curious about your first two births and whether your extreme reaction here is something to do with that. You seem so desparate to avoid intervention, at all costs you are putting that before everything, including safety. I'm all for homebirths and keeping it as natural as possible, but you seem to have absoluetly no regard for if things do go not quite to plan. Pregnazilla does seem to be adapt.