To want to give birth alone?

[anotheroneintheoven]

I know that without a doubt when the time comes, I will want to hide in away and have full privacy and control over the situation so no one disrupts me from being in my zone.

I did succesfully did this with my last baby. (I have had 3)
And it was the best labour ever. I gave birth with just a Doula who understood how important me being relaxed was for a succesful delivery. When the midwives arrived 20 minutes after the birth, they were so insensitive, having me run around trying to find a hand towel for them.The 20 we already had out had been used, and her majesty, the seasoned 'job done' type midwife wanted to dry her hands after washing them.
The most useful thing they did was pass me a pair of scizzors to cut the cord.

Anyway, I will no doubt oblige to midwives being there next time, 'just in case the baby dies' . The whole world and it's dog will hold me personally responsible, so okay I'll deal with the midwives coming out and only allow them in the room when needed.

Now my main problem is my partner, who certainly does not help at all when a situation arrises, he makes things even more stressful by freaking out.
Him increasing my stress levels is not something I feel is worth risking, as stress does cause delivery complications.

DP feels he has 'the right' to see his child being born and he'll be there whether I like it or not, which really annoyes me.
It's my sodding birth, surely.

If there's one day in womans life where she should have control over the situation, it's when she's giving birth, surely.

AIBU?

Lola, your experience sounds awful. But all too common. Which is why spoilt selfish pregzillas like the OP make me so mad.

sunshine, you say
Giving birth is possibly the most momentous, amazing, painful and dangerous tings any woman can ever do

Exactly, which is why the OP is a complete idiot for wanting to do it without midwives and minimal intervention. I notice she hasn't come back, I presume she has gone off to find some other board where people will agree with her and her mad selfish choices.

Of course everyone wants a good birth, a good, positive experience. There is nothing at all wrong with that. It's when people start putting that desire before their baby's safety that it becomes irresponsible.

she has said she will have midwives there and a doula? or at least i read that earlier in the thread.

She says she'll only allow them in the room when needed. Presumably she thinks she has enough medical knowledge to decide when that will be. A doula is not a medically trained professional but there only to support the mother. Irresponsible.

She has already had 3 babies, though. So possibly she might know when something is not going as expected. In which case she would ask the m/w to check?

well its quite common in a home birth for a midwife to be int he next room and just pop in every so often to check on mum and the babys heartbeat etc.

and yes she will have a good feeling having had 3 before, i have had 5 and knew with no 5 things werent progressing as well, it was because she was back to back.

also i had mine at hospital but was very much left to get on with it, i laboured in a bath for most of mine and the midwives just knocked on the door and came in to check on me etc and i had the call button if i needed it, the op will be able to call/shout out and a midwife can tell alot from the noises/movements a labouring woman is making (an experienced one anyway) and if they just stick their head round the door they will be able to do that.

obviously the op would be unreasonable if she locked the door and didtn let them in! but if she lets them nip in and out as necessary and they can keep an eye on her, they dont need to be there the whole time :)

and a doula isnt medically trained no, but she would also (if experienced) be able to tell a reasonable amount and would ask the midwife to come in if she thought it necessary. or you would hope so anyway :)

A good midwife will only intervene when necessary.

I do not think there is anything wrong with wanting to get on with things on your own with help nearby.

amIabad the op said she would have midwives. She doesnt want them but she will have them.

What is wrong with that? Must she want them to be a responsible person?

yes i had a great midwife with ds4, had him in the pool and the midwife didnt do a thing, i remember her commenting to dp she could tell i was nearly ready to deliver because as i am small she could see how the vertebrae (sp) on my back and my pelvis bones were moving to allow the baby to move down the birth canal (i was on all fours in the pool) ds4 was delivered wiht no assistance straight into the water, all 10lb 13oz of him :) it was a very peaceful birth apart from me moaning and the midwife simply lifted him out and gave him to me and i held him till the cord stopped pulsating etc.

the midwife had over 30 yrs experience and spoke to us afterwards about hwo you can read a womans body when she is in labour, if you look at the cues the body gives, i didnt have any internal examinations at all.

I've had 3 and I would certainly not presume to know if the baby's heart rate suddenly decelerates or if there is a similar problem!

Part of my problem with the OP's first post is her sneering attitude to midwives who she will 'oblige' to have 'in case the baby dies', and her attitude to 'allowing them in the room' and 'dealing with having them' when in fact she has no idea how incredibly lucky she is to be in a position to have free top quality health care during her labour, she typifies the spoilt selfcentred 'rights' based approach to childbirth that is often sadly prevalent in our society...fuck everything else, as long as you get the birth YOU want.

You do not know that she is anything of the sort.

You have decided all that based on a few words.

I do not despise midwives but I only had them because I felt I should. I didnt want them. I didnt want anyone. I just wanted to be left in peace to have my babies.

Having a midwife present to prevent a baby's death is a valid reason surely? That is what they are for when you boil it down to the basics.

A good midwife will also offer emotional support but their job is to make sure the baby is born safely.

Its all semantics. The actual OP is that she will have the medical care she needs, she doesnt want it but will have it. Why should she want it?

Anotherone - YANBU

At all

Actually yesterday I was reading an account by a midwife of a mother who simply wouldn't/couldn't contract effectively with a health professional in the room. Got me thinking about the whole hormonal cascade thing - how we're the only mammal who gets routinely moved/interfered with/stared at/ hands stuck up our nether bits etc, during birth. And the only ones who regularly 'fail to progress' in large numbers.

You should do whatever you need to do to get this baby out as easily as you can.

"A good midwife will only intervene when necessary."

In which case why is it only a minority of women in the UK who manage to give birth without drips/episiotomy/forceps/cs/ventouse etc?

"Presumably she thinks she has enough medical knowledge to decide when that will be"

Royal College of Midwives - number one thing a midwife needs to do to increase a mothers chance of a normal birth: listen to her.

Midwives value women's intuition and their knowledge of their own bodies. Haven't we all been witness to the hundreds of posts on these boards telling stories of women who've known they're about to deliver their babies, despite midwives - with all their medical knowledge - insisting that the mother's wrong. Ditto stories from women who know things aren't right with their labour or their baby, who are then treated dismissively by health professionals.

Point being - when it comes to a normal life process (which birth is, despite its capacity to go wrong sometimes), the person going through it often has a better idea of what they need than anyone else.

shagmund i dont understand - are you agreeing with me or disagreeing?

A good midwife will intervene when necessary.

Surely any midwife who intervenes unnessarily is not a good midwife.

I'd had 3 children, I still didn't realise when I was pg with my 4 th that something was wrong and the baby died so it is not always possible to know if something Is wrong

Since when did a father have a right to be at the birth of his child?

Did women fight for choices in childbirth so they can be told an unhelpful stress inducing father will be there whether she likes it or not?

Whatever happened to a woman's right tdivine birth as she wishes?

tdivine iPhone speak for give birth

"A good midwife will intervene when necessary"

Yes. Agree. But also good midwives and doctors who feel unable to escape from our highly medicalised system of birth which is resulting in so many women having unnecessarily complicated birth. It's not that the interventions they do are unnecessary - our current system of care MAKES births result in large numbers of births becoming complicated.

And no Moomin, you are right that we don't always know.

OhDoAdmit - Why should she want it?

Why should she want medical care?

Because this is her baby's birth, and in the worst case scenario, babies die without enough medical intervention - 350,000 per year in the developing world. Because the birth of your precious child is not the time to get selfish and spoilt. Because sometimes it's only a matter of minutes in which a baby can be left brain damaged or dead, because the signs have not been spotted. It never fails to amaze me how many women become total spoilt pregzillas when it comes to the birth of their precious baby and seem to care only about their experience.

You know what? I had a crappy time with my last birth. It was horrible. I actually had mild PTSD.

You know what else?I have a beautiful little girl now. I'm an adult. I got over it. Why do people get so utterly obsessed over having the perfect birth. It's only a few hours out of your life, and the main goal is a healthy baby, not a fucking lifestyle experience.

"What is best for the baby, is that I am calm, relaxed and feel secure during labour.
Stress of the mother leads to the labour actually stopping and the baby's life being risked if the mother isn't in the right place mentally and physically.
"
As this is what the op believes, I don't think that she is being a 'spoilt pregzilla' for trying to arrange what she thinks is the optimum environment for the safety of her baby. And she is agreeing that a m/w should attend 'just in case'.

But she is wrong to believe that. That is what she wants to believe to suit her own needs, but in fact what is best for the baby is proper medical care. Yes, it's better to be calm and relaxed, but having proper medical monitoring trumps that. The OP's posts make it fairly clear that it is her own comfort and needs, not her baby's safety, that are her priority.

In my experience, birthing in a hospital, over-medicalised environment put my perfectly healthy first child at risk. It physically and mentally damaged me, and caused problems in my baby that thankfully resolved - but that were totally iatrogenic in nature.
For my subsequent births, I refused hospital birth to the point of writing to the hospital (with unofficial MW support) to absolve them of responsibility as I had passed the magic 42 weeks.
Medical professionals do not know everything, and those who have trained and work in busy consultant led units rarely see normal birth, as they routinely interfere.
Having said that, I appreciated and enjoyed the very supportive MWs that did attend - they were wonderful, hands off and very subtle about the protocol that they had to follow.
WRT the father - no reason at all for him to be there. Yes, birth is primarily about safely getting the baby out - you are far more likely to achieve that with a safe, supported, not stressed out mother!

Actually mumtobe there is research suggesting that constant monitoring of baby (for example), leads to more intervention. I'm wary myself of things like epidurals because of my concern about drugs passing to the baby making them drowsy and in worse cases, impact on breathing. More hands off medical support with intervention if it goes wrong is better IMO.

You can NOT want something and still have it.

People with cancer dont WANT fucking chemo but they have it. They dont like it, its crap but they have it. Not wanting to have it doesnt make them selfish and ungrateful.

I am sorry you had a bad time and I am thrilled you have a lovely little girl.

I have PTSD for very different reasons. I HATE having anything medical around me. If you know about PTSD you will know about flashbacks, panic attacks, loss of control, fear etc. NOT a good way to give birth.

The OP is not you. She is not me.

I would not tell YOU that you shouldnt go to hosptial because I dont like them or because I think they can hinder the labour process.

We are not even talking about an OP who is going to eshew all medical intervention. We are talking about someone who doesnt want it but is going to have it anyway. You dont want her to even think about not wanting it.

What gives you the right to tell someone how to think?

Its not your business how someone wants to give birth.

Evil what does 'iatrogenic' mean?

I have never come across it before. I do love a new word

Iatrogenic - Illness caused by medical examination or treatment