To want to give birth alone?

[anotheroneintheoven]

I know that without a doubt when the time comes, I will want to hide in away and have full privacy and control over the situation so no one disrupts me from being in my zone.

I did succesfully did this with my last baby. (I have had 3)
And it was the best labour ever. I gave birth with just a Doula who understood how important me being relaxed was for a succesful delivery. When the midwives arrived 20 minutes after the birth, they were so insensitive, having me run around trying to find a hand towel for them.The 20 we already had out had been used, and her majesty, the seasoned 'job done' type midwife wanted to dry her hands after washing them.
The most useful thing they did was pass me a pair of scizzors to cut the cord.

Anyway, I will no doubt oblige to midwives being there next time, 'just in case the baby dies' . The whole world and it's dog will hold me personally responsible, so okay I'll deal with the midwives coming out and only allow them in the room when needed.

Now my main problem is my partner, who certainly does not help at all when a situation arrises, he makes things even more stressful by freaking out.
Him increasing my stress levels is not something I feel is worth risking, as stress does cause delivery complications.

DP feels he has 'the right' to see his child being born and he'll be there whether I like it or not, which really annoyes me.
It's my sodding birth, surely.

If there's one day in womans life where she should have control over the situation, it's when she's giving birth, surely.

AIBU?

I can't believe the number of insults you've had on this thread.
Maybe get your DH to read some Michel Odent on the father's presence potentially hindering 'natural' births - ie where a woman is relying on her hormones rather than electronic devices and medical intervention - I think there's a link in here somewhere
www.birthtraumacounselling.org/#/fathers-trauma-and-depression/4542421968

Midwivesdeliver I know animals die alone.

I didn't say I thought op should do it alone but she INBU to want to.

If she does, she must accept the potential consequences herself and not be under the illusion that she and/or her baby could be 'rescued' at the end if she hadn't let midwives do their job in the firdt place

Haven't read the whole thread but had DD3 alone because we had nobody to take care of the other children. It was okay, but a bit lonely. I also think if your partner is well prepared he could advocate for your needs and wishes. I don't think YABU to do it alone, but I think it's better for your DP to be included as it helps cement the whole dynamic of a new family member.

i think you could be robbing your DP of a perish moment and perhaps you should spend time working on getting him in to the role of perfect birthing partner.

YANBU to have strong feelings about this, but I think YABU in your approach.

There is no reason why you can't have a perfectly amicable conversation with the midwives about your feelings and wishes and come to a compromise which will ensure that you get your time alone if that is what you want, but they can still oversee things and make sure that nothing is starting to go wrong.

I had a very fast first delivery and I would have been far better off on my own until the last minute as everything I was being told was wrong and undermining my confidence that my body was doing what it should be doing. Thiis was no-one's fault really - I just had a labour that accelerated from 0 to 60mph in a very short period of time and no-one could quite get their heads round it. The only really helpful thing that the midwife did was to catch the baby. But I can only say that I would have been better off on my own with the benefit of hindsight because it was so straightforward. I can't say that I will be better off alone with this next baby because I simply don't know that it will go the same way.

So my compromise is a home birth with midwives present - but I have already spoken to one of them about wanting to just be left alone to get on with it as much as possible. They can do their standard checks and I will keep them updated about how I am feeling and if anything is worrying me, and I will listen to their advice about anything they think it going wrong, but I don't want someone hovering over me being all encouraging - I just want to do it my way. The midwife seemed to think this was perfectly reasonable.

And when I say I don't want anyone hovering over me, that includes DP to be honest. He can be around, and I want him there to see the baby arrive, but he doesn't need to be sitting in the room with me for every contraction.

Do you have a birth centre near you? I had DD3 at a birth centre, no doctors, only midwives there, no one coming in and out, they really did leave us to it, dim lights, I had a water birth with all the pain relief of 2 paracetamol!

It was by far the best birth (first 2 were standard, straightforward on hospital bed, pethidin with the first, which I hated!) I also found the pain was manageable when I went inwards IYKWIM, so I understand wanting to be left alone, I couldn't really speak much to DH but he was there throughout, I know he is so glad to have been there and so am I.

For me this was the best of both, a homelike, relaxed environment with minimal 'supervision', but I was glad we weren't at home as I hemorhagged afterwards! I am all for natural birth, and I do think lots of women panic which leads to more and more interventions. Dont resent your midwife, she is there to help you and your baby! you never know what will happen during labour/delivery. Good luck!

What a load of spiteful comments you've received. Of course it's not unreasonable to want to give birth in a way that you feel will be as stress-free as possible. Some of the posters on here saying that your partner has a right to be at the birth sound absolutely vile. It's a throwback to the good ol' days when men had ownership over women.

She's actually not had that hard a time, she sounds selfish and unpleasant and interested only in her own experience and not her baby's safety, the comment she made about 'in case the baby dies' is disgusting. I feel very sorry for her partner who she does not even appear to like.

We live in a society where women like the OP are so caught up in their RIGHTS and own needs that they forget about their responsibilities.

It is unreasonable to want to give birth in a way that may endanger your baby's life. The OP like many women believes that she knows better than the medical profession because it suits her to believe that, and I notice she's only responding to the people that agree with her and putting her fingers in her ears and going lalala to the people who are actually standing up to her.

amibeingabadmumtobe
spot on - one of the most selfish thread openings I've read on here

A doula would be able to talk through this with the pair of you and reach a compromise. She could teach him ways to be helpful and supportive, perhaps he could be there just at the end.
If you have. Hb the midwives can stay in the next room, or the doorway, a doula will not support a planned unassisted birth, major legal fallout.
I agree that dh is important, it is his child, but if accomodating him will cause you stress and effect the physiology of the birth, you and the baby come first.

samandi As far as I've read no-one is indicating any desire to throwback to the days of male dominance but nor should we now treat men like inferiors because we, as females, now have more power. Surely, we should be thinking of ourselves as equals with men. The unwillingness to even consider DP feelings in what is likely to be the biggest event in his life too is unfair. She is accepting compromise to have the midwives present in the house but doesn't appear to have room to budge when it comes to DP.

The OP refers to her DP as being her main problem, being useless and in a later post as a "fucker" that may need to be dragged out of the room by security !!

That all sounds pretty spiteful and disrespectful.

I can understand why the OP feels tired and unsupported and why she was abrasive in her post, I can also understand the need for privacy and control and fwiw I don't think the man has an automatic right to be there - yes, wright to be there during child's life but not during the labour. Nobody has a 'right' to stare at my vagina opening or be there when I'm in pain and need privacy, although obviously it is helpful for medical professionals to be nearby during labour for the safety of mother and child. Your DH has the right as the father of your other children to be with them, I thunk, and if these posts are a reflection of you needing to vent about feeling unsupported then vent away and ignore the nastiness and try as much as you can to get the relaxed, safe feeling you need to labour safely.

Sorry about typos

"The unwillingness to even consider DP feelings in what is likely to be the biggest event in his life too is unfair."

She is giving birth. She will be in pain. If this causes him to panic and annoy her, that will cause her unnecessary distress. A panicky birth partner is a liability, not an asset - possibly best if she talks with him and gets him to understand this. possibly, he will probably not enjoy being there as it scares him - he needs to realise that he does not have a 'right' to be there. His presence needs to helpful. Also, this is her fourth child - this probably isn't going to be the 'biggest event' in his life....but they will both have done this enough times to know where they stand. She knows she doesn't want him there - why don't we accept her on her word?

given there are whole threads on 'stupid things said by my Oh during labour' do we even think it is all that rare for people not to cope well when presented with their loved one in pain?

I don't think you are being unreasonable,actually.

When did it become standard practice for Husbands/partners to be at births,anyway?Is there any evidence that it has increased male/baby bonding or relationships of same long-term?.

I've given birth twice,and on reflection I think at least one of them would have been better if I had been unaccompanied.

...and just to add,I was actually quite fond of the father :) (just not in the labour room ).

Back in the mists of time, before any public health service existed, my granny was very often the woman who got called when women were in labour. This was in rural Ireland, a long way a way from medical care. Women had no ante natal care either. Alot of women died. Alot of babies did too. Birth experience was prosaic, frightening and life threatening. Basic hygiene being a problem too.
So, you get the fuck down off a your high horse there madam. I really do not care what you want or feel you are entitled to. Midwife's and other women have worked too long and hard to get the care that exists in this and other countries
for people like you to dismiss them in such terms. You only have these choices because of the women who went before you. A bit of respect and a long hard think about your ungracious attitude may do you a favour.

Oh, and i would like to speak on behalf of all the lady cows and horses who have had a vets arm up their fanjos in an effort to bring out a breech calf or foal. I love the look on their faces. And their pelvis's are wider by the way.

OP: I think you're deluding yourself about the level of control you (anyone) can truly exert over this experience, tbh.

If your husband is a bit useless & annoying at a childbirth, that needs sorting out; maybe he's the one who should have hypnotherapy.

Agree with Lola allthough I'm not sure about the look on cows faces, never seen it.

As for you Sam what a ridiculous thing to say "It's a throwback to the good ol' days when men had ownership over women." in the gud ol days men wernt allowed in and any man who thought he had ownership of a women probably wouldn't want to be at the birth anyway, it would be beneath him.

And where was your partner the last three times?

Very well said lolaflores.

lola "You only have these choices because of the women who went before you."

Isn't that what the op wants to do - make a choice. Just because she doesn't want to avail herself (and her baby) of the maternity services available doesn't really make it any less of a valid choice. It's not really a choice if you have to do something one particular way, is it?

It's not really a question of ownership moomins, but a matter of people being comfortable. I don't think a man has the right to insist he is present if the woman is really unhappy about it, any more than she has the right to insist that he should be there if he really hates the thought of it and really doesn't want to.
It's not obligatory for the father to be present during the birth, although most people prefer it. It doesn't suit everyone.
I certainly agree about having a midwife/doctor present though. We are very lucky in this society to have this available for everyone, although of course that doesn't guarantee that every birth 'experience' will be a happy one or have a safe outcome.

OMG do you have a partner or a bloody doormat, he has every right to expect to see the birth of his baby. My DH was with me for every moment of the 42 hours of labour i went through and for 41 hours of it was bloody usless and completly in the way, for the last hour pushing ds into the world i could not have loved that man more for being there not doing anything (i may have mentioned useless!!) just being there for me to hold on to, very quickly went back to bloody useless but cannot describe the feeling of having him there at the most important time of our life.

grow up, this is not about you it is about your baby and the welcome that little one will have to your family, push dp away for this and he migh not come back, who could blame him?? how dare you take away from daddy the chance to see his baby brought in to the world and take its first breath, first cry, i think the birth experience is about family not just one selfish cow who is far too indulged!!! Hope you grow up soon.