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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fuming when the ex's new wife comes to the house with the ex to collect my DS.

184 replies

bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 18:19

My DS has just been collected by his dad for the night and SHE was in the car. Am fuming. Why does she have to come to my space and why does he have to think its OK for her to do that. OK we seperated a year ago by his decision and he then got engaged 10 weeks later and married 6 months after that. I know the sensible thing is to think time's moved on and I should move on too but we were together 13 years and he split with me the days after my son was diagnosed with cancer. If he'd waited to introduce her for a few months maybe it would have been easier to cope with. The good thing is it keeps reminding me what a relief it is to be out of that relationship and I'm doing everything I can to stay positive about DS's dad and new wife but inside I'm fuming and don't want it in my face. So am I being unreasonable??????

OP posts:
squeakyfreakytoy · 18/10/2011 18:21

YABU to be fuming if she was only in the car. She was not in your house.

worraliberty · 18/10/2011 18:21

Yes sorry YABVU

She is your DS's Step Mum and as such she'll be very much a part of his life.

It's quite likely she'll happen to be in the car for a number of reasons both now and in the future.

Rudawakening · 18/10/2011 18:23

As hard as it is to stomach YABU she has every right to be in the car, she is your DS's step mum.

ScaredBear · 18/10/2011 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffythevampirestabber · 18/10/2011 18:25

She's in the car. Not in your face.

Get a grip.

HarlotOTara · 18/10/2011 18:26

Actually I don't think YABU. you have had a body blow and it must bloody hurt. I am assuming he left you for her?

How is your son now?

ElizabethDarcy · 18/10/2011 18:27

She's in the car. Just ignore her.

PandorasSocks · 18/10/2011 18:27

I can completely understand how you feel, given that it was all so very horribly quick and under such bad circumstances. But, she was only in the car and she is a part of your child's life - something you have no choice but to come to terms with.

I'm afraid you're going to just have to try to rise above it, no matter how difficult that is, and continue to try to be positive and forward-looking.

Hope your son is well.

TheLandofGreenGinger · 18/10/2011 18:27

YABU.

She was in her/her husband's car - nowhere near you or your space.

FWIW, do you also think it would be ok for me to be fuming that my stepchildren's mother has insisted on coming into every house we have lived in, whereas I have never been allowed into her house? When she comes to pick up her children, she might need the loo, or ask for a drink of water (she always refuses tea/coffee - it's not that I don't offer Grin), and I htink it would be churlish of me to refuse this.

However, the one time I asked if I could go into hers (dd1 was a baby, and needed changing - I ended up doing it with dd1 laid in the boot of the car on a particularly wintery day) she refused Confused

Honestly, you need to let this go. She was in her car, for whatever reason she was there, i doubt it is to wind you up intentionally.

MrsSleepy · 18/10/2011 18:27

Oh dear lord, She was in the car not on your doorstep.

FabbyChic · 18/10/2011 18:28

YOu haven't moved on and still have feelings for him, if you didn't it wouldn't bother you.

YOu have to let go now, it shouldn't bother you at all, I got on really well with my childrens fathers girlfriend, and met her loads of times within 3 months. She was good to my kids and that is all that mattered to me, besides whilst he was with her I didn't get any grief.

Guess it's a bit different for you slightly if he left you for her.

But you do have to move on and get over it.

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 18:29

Well my DS wasn't invited to the wedding and I wasn't even informned that my DS has a step mum. Have only known by the ring on his finger. Have never been told.
Thank you Harlot. It's been an awful year and yes he did leave me for her. He got engaged 2 days before my son had his kidney removed so I have no doubt where his priorities are. My son is doing very well Thank you. A massive relief. Only had results in October.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 18:29

Your son goes to her house and stays there, presumably, so I have to say it appears you are BU to get so enraged she is sitting in the car outside

tbh, I would have to wonder why she did that...does she need to naviagte or summat in case your exH forgets where you live [hwink]

why can't she just stay at home ?

however, she isn't trying to come in your house, she isn't trying to talk to you...she is just there so you have to suck it up, I am afraid

personally, I would feel sorry for her

it appears she is rather insecure, needing to check that her lovely husband isn't fraternising too much with the fragrant ex wife

pity her...she is probably terrified he will do to her what he did to you

karma can be a bjitch ...

TidyDancer · 18/10/2011 18:29

Hmmm. I think it's understandable you've had a reaction to this. You can't stop the woman being in your DS's life, but it's another thing for her to come to your house (yes, I know she was only in the car, but still....). I think you need to suck it up and deal with this maturely, but I do get why this bothers you and I really don't blame you for it.

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 18:30

Oh yes I still have feelings for him but they are all negative believe me

OP posts:
TheLandofGreenGinger · 18/10/2011 18:31

or maybe, AF, they were on their way back form somewhere, and collected OP's ds on the way back home?

why assume she is there purely for insecure reasons, or to 'check out' the OP?

honestly, cans stepmothers ever do anything right?

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 18/10/2011 18:31

You know full well that YABVU.
This woman is going to have a relationship with your son whether you like it or not, and I would hope that the sensible part of your brain wishes that it is a good relationship for the benefit of your DS.
Put your own feelings aside, regardless of the circumstances around your breakup, those are your issues (and your x's obv) not your sons.

MrsSleepy · 18/10/2011 18:32

Maybe she didn't want to be there? Maybe they were on their way back from somewhere, Maybe she doesn't want to see you either.

handsomeharry · 18/10/2011 18:32

I don't blame you for not wanting to see them together. I am sure you know only too well the reality of the situation but actually having to see them together is a different thing altogether isn't it?

I used to feel physically sick when I saw my ex with his new partner. Like you he made a very quick transition from one relationship to the next.Hmm

It does get easier. You get over it honestly. Horrible though.

worraliberty · 18/10/2011 18:32

This has everything to do with your ex being a bit of a twat and nothing to do with his new wife though.

I could understand if she was the one driving your son home...knocking on your door and handing him over to you...though even then you'd have to suck it up really if his Dad was unavailable to do that.

But she's only sitting in their car.

BOOareHaunting · 18/10/2011 18:33

YABU I'm afraid.

My DS' (now SM) would often be with his father if we were out and ran into them, or if we were meeting to hand DS over, she also kept back When we spoke (I wanted to know about the woman who would be in my DS life) it turned out it wasn't avoiding me but respect enough not to try and force herself upon me.

Turns out she is lovely and I always felt safer knowing her steady, organised influence was in the house when DS stayed over at his fathers.

Lacuna · 18/10/2011 18:35

Well, of course she was in the car, because she's his wife. So yes, yabu.

It's hard, sounds like it's been a shitty time for you. But fuming because she's in the car when ex comes to pick up ds is a terrible waste of your tine and emotional energy.
She's going to be a part of his life. You're going to have to get used to it. It sucks, but it's the way things are. Concentrate your energies on other things and ignore her.

AmberLeaf · 18/10/2011 18:35

I was going to say YABU, but given the circumstances I can understand why you feel this way.

However you really need to find a way to get past these feelings, it will do you no good to carry on focussing your feelings of hurt and anger onto this woman.

Its a horrible situation but you will not move on if you carry on directing your feelings onto her.

fastweb · 18/10/2011 18:35

Get a grip

I think given he walked out on her right after her DS was diagnised with cancer, and he promptly went off and got married again while she was no doubt still neck height and trying not to drown in pain, grief and stress from the humungous double whammy sh'd been thwacked with, a bit of online outrage about the new woman in his life being shoved under her nose demonstrates a pretty good case of grip having been got. Cos it really is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things.

In fact bearing in mind the above, perhaps the person most in need of getting a grip on their feelings and mode of expressing said feelings, is yourself.

A smidgen of proportion in a response to a post is not a crime against all things mumsnetty.

If you'd prefer her to feel differently, manage the situation and her reactions to it differently, given all she has been through, helping with sympathy to build a ladder back up to a happier place might be more useful.

But your post smacks rather of wanting to give her a sharp kick down.

So please, get a grip.

It's not all about you.

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 18:35

I know I'm being unreasonable but when someone has been so unbelievably insensitive at the most difficult time of my life then It's hard to be rational about it. I do feel sorry for her too because I'm fully aware what an arrogant bully he is and she has that yet to come. He's a good dad and I respect my son massively so will support his relationship with his dad. I don't respect him though or her I'm afraid. Their behaviour has made it very difficult for me to do that. Of course I'm not letting my negative feelings rub off on my son. He is autistic too and I try my absolute best to make his world a positive one. Am still fuming though!!!!!!!!

OP posts: