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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be fuming when the ex's new wife comes to the house with the ex to collect my DS.

184 replies

bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 18:19

My DS has just been collected by his dad for the night and SHE was in the car. Am fuming. Why does she have to come to my space and why does he have to think its OK for her to do that. OK we seperated a year ago by his decision and he then got engaged 10 weeks later and married 6 months after that. I know the sensible thing is to think time's moved on and I should move on too but we were together 13 years and he split with me the days after my son was diagnosed with cancer. If he'd waited to introduce her for a few months maybe it would have been easier to cope with. The good thing is it keeps reminding me what a relief it is to be out of that relationship and I'm doing everything I can to stay positive about DS's dad and new wife but inside I'm fuming and don't want it in my face. So am I being unreasonable??????

OP posts:

LineRunner · 18/10/2011 19:29

I feel for you, OP.

You've been dealt a crappy hand of cards. I agree with fastweb that if we can, MN should try to help you build yourself back up to a happier place.

Lots of us have had to deal with fairly upsetting situations with Exes' new wives and partners, and wave our children off in their direction. It is hard. I know. But you will be all right with this eventually, because it's best for your son. Glad he's doing well, btw.

Original poster

bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 19:31

For the majority of people thank you. A clear message has come through and I will take it all on board. This must be one of the only places where you can get so many opinions so quickly. boooooyhoo, I'm not sure why you even bothered to post anything. I'm sorry if I sound like a night mare to you. You're comment has really helped.

OP posts:

mamatomanygirls · 18/10/2011 19:33

Sorry to hear that, it must hurt a lot. Ignore the bitchy posters telling you YABU - some of them have the emotional intelligence and empathy of an ant and just need to disagree with you for the sake of it.

Your feelings are very normal and understandable, of course you don't want to see her or want her near your home. And how awful that he left you the day after your son was diagnosed with cancer, then got engaged so soon after - that must have been painful. I feel for you. Try to let go of your anger if you can - it hurts you a whole lot more than it hurts them. I know it's easy to say that. I hope you feel a bit better, and that things get easier over time. Take care.xx

smokinaces · 18/10/2011 19:34

YABU, but I completely get what you mean. My Ex's girlfriend feels the need to come right into my house when they drop the boys off, which does grate me a little - sometimes I need to talk to their Dad about bits and pieces (medical, school) without her butting in etc

But then again, I always go in their flat when dropping the boys off. For a year it was just his flat, and then she moved in, but I continued going in to settle the kids so I cant really moan.

YABU though, she is part of his family now and you need to deal with it, without the anger.

LadyEvilEyes · 18/10/2011 19:38

YABU but in those circumstances it's perfectly normal.
After I first separated I resented how quickly my ex moved in with another woman, he's not with her anymore now but I just remember that totally impotent feeling of rage I felt.
You've been through an emotional rollercoaster, but give it time, you will gradually feel calmer and be able to cope.
Hope ds is fully recovered, and don't even think about another relationship yet,just enjoy your own company for a while.

captainBeaky · 18/10/2011 19:38

Lovely, please don't post on here and expect niceness from the masses! Of course you are upset, and if the majority were in your shoes they would be too! I would hate my kids going to other woman, whether or not I instigated break up, less so if not!
God, people, give her a break! Yes, she needs to let OW in eventually for everyones sake but let her have her private rant!!!! Please PM me if you ever want to offload without the bitchy nastiness. Hope things get better for you all xx

HeadlessForHocusPocus · 18/10/2011 19:39

I can understand why you feel this way, but don't allow her to affect you like this. Just focus on your dc, he is all that matters.

fastweb · 18/10/2011 19:39

If the same thing happened to me I don't think I'd handle it anything like as well.

I think you sound like you have coped exceptionally well in exceptionally awful circumstances.

I take my hat off to you.

Please consider re-posting on the relationship board.

Original poster

bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 19:41

I used to go to his house but found it too upsetting so ask that he comes to collect now. I had to move out the family home as I couldn't have afforded to live there and 2 days after I moved out, she moved in. Was right in the middle of chemo and radio. The day I moved it snowed and the removal men cancelled at last minute so I had to find someone else at very short notice. When I explained to my ex he said he didn't care what I did so long as I was out the house at the end of the day... nice. He's gutted the house and completely redecorated it not surprisingly but I find it hard to go there. It's all coming ouit now. Best booooyhoo if you don't read this as I'm not sure I want your helpful comments!!

OP posts:

TheBestWitch · 18/10/2011 19:43

YANBU to be fuming. How can you be? It's how you feel. You would have been unreasonable to go and lamp her one but you didn't.
Obviously you are going to feel some resentment towards her because your ex left you for her and even if you don't want him now you did then.
The more you concentrate on the fact that what she has actually done is relieve you of the type of cunt man who would up and leave his wife and kids when one of them is seriously ill the more you will be able to accept and possibly even feel sorry for the poor cow.

Perriwinkle · 18/10/2011 19:43

Its understandable, and I do sympathise, but YABU.

She was only in the car and you fuming about this won't change anything.

All that it will achieve in the end is your DS picking up on feelings and him having split loyalties.

I know because I have a friend who is going through exactly the same as you at the moment. She insisted her ex DH waited well over a year before introducing their DS to his new girlfriend and in that time shall we just say, my friend didn't hold her tongue when talking about the new woman in front of her DS. Now he has eventually met her and he likes her (typical really as children are very easily won over) but his mum keeps on about her and it puts him in a position where he likes his dad's girlfriend but doesn't want to upset his mum. At the same time because he likes her he doesn't like his mum being so nasty about her and in his childlike naivety he just wants everyone to be nice to each other. It's terribly sad really.

usualsuspect · 18/10/2011 19:44

You have had it tough, bananas

I can understand completely why you wouldn't want her anywhere near you

elastamum · 18/10/2011 19:45

OP YANBU to feel how you do. You have been delt a really crappy hand by your ex and his new wife. She was obviously on the scene in your marriage, so your feelings are completely understandable.

The posters who are completely lacking in empathy have obviously never had this happen to him and I would expect they would feel just as you do if it did.

Unfortunatley, in this situation the only thing you can do to benefit your kids is keep your feelings to yourself and wait for karma to come round and bite ex on the bum.

Have been in this position myself. But 3 yrs on I have a lovely new BF, and my ex is now getting divorced! Chin up, try not to let them get to you

thunderboltsandlightning · 18/10/2011 19:45

I'd be pissed off and hurt if I was in your situation bananas.

You're not a robot. You're ex is probably doing this deliberately to upset you. He sounds like a prick.

Original poster

bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 19:45

Thank you captain beaky!! I will look at the relationship board too fastweb, good idea to go there.

OP posts:

Booooooyhoo · 18/10/2011 19:47

oh i have read the first two pages now and apologise profusely for my comment (i based it on the OP alone).

you dont sound like a nightmare you sound like you have been through a nightmare and i have huge respect for you for containing yourself this far and being able to maintain a civil relationship with this man.
again so sorry for my totally unnecessary and unhelpful comments. you probably dont want this from me but i am sending you a very unMN hug and strength to get over these (totally understandable) feelings.

captainBeaky · 18/10/2011 19:48

booooyhooo fuck off! Someone is asking for genuine help in real circumstances! I hate the fuckers who come on here to be mean! OP I hope you find the dignity and strength to deal with this. How is your little one now?
And Boohoo, feeling good are we!

Booooooyhoo · 18/10/2011 19:48

"says the ghost of So Far Up My Own Arse I Spout Shite"

fastweb what do you mean by this?

Original poster

bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 19:49

Every time I say thank you to a post person I read more that I want to thank you for too!!!! I'll have to do one general big thank you. This has been a big help. I'm so sorry for everyone who's had shit times like this. Its very reassuring to know that people survive it and keep on pedalling.

OP posts:

captainBeaky · 18/10/2011 19:49

ok boohoo, read your apology and accepted, but think before you post! OP is in trauma!

Original poster

bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 19:50

Thank you Boooyhoo. It's worth reading everything sometimes before posting a judgemental comment.

OP posts:

Booooooyhoo · 18/10/2011 19:52

i agree beaky, i made a mistake and i should think before i post. i read the OP and made a snap judgement and i shouldn't have. i am sorry. i hate it when other posters do that and i've jsut doen the same.

captainBeaky · 18/10/2011 19:55

boohoo, stick your nasty, pointless spout up your own tight arse!
OP listen to the rational comments. I hope you can learn to let her in eventually, I know it would take me some (a lot) of time! I really feel for you, it is a situation I dread. Lots of positive love sent xx

fastweb · 18/10/2011 19:56

She was only in the car and you fuming about this won't change anything

Is the sheer insensitivity required to "only" be in the car, as the woman that replaced her in the maritial heart, bed and home so hard to comprehend ?

My DH and I got together three days after his girl friend of ten years dumped him. She very quickly changed her mind. He was done with their relationship and didn't want to go back. And I guessed she must be hurting.

So I avioded the places she hung put with her friends and the bars and cafes near her uni. Because I didn't want to be the salt in her wound. I already had the man she loved, didn't need an extra pound of flesh on top to season the dish.

I didn't have to, there was no moral onus on me, but for crying out loud is is so hard to immagine walking a mile in somebody else's shoes and choosing a going a bit out of your way (or parking around the corner/a little further down the road out of sight) for the sake of somebody else's feelings so they have the time and space needed to heal with as few hiccups and set backs as poss ?

Original poster

bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 19:56

Now my rant has subsided and I have a beer and a cigarette I'm going to re read and reflect!!!!!

OP posts:

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