Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fuming when the ex's new wife comes to the house with the ex to collect my DS.

184 replies

bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 18:19

My DS has just been collected by his dad for the night and SHE was in the car. Am fuming. Why does she have to come to my space and why does he have to think its OK for her to do that. OK we seperated a year ago by his decision and he then got engaged 10 weeks later and married 6 months after that. I know the sensible thing is to think time's moved on and I should move on too but we were together 13 years and he split with me the days after my son was diagnosed with cancer. If he'd waited to introduce her for a few months maybe it would have been easier to cope with. The good thing is it keeps reminding me what a relief it is to be out of that relationship and I'm doing everything I can to stay positive about DS's dad and new wife but inside I'm fuming and don't want it in my face. So am I being unreasonable??????

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 18/10/2011 18:37

It must be hard for you to see them playing happy families

you have my sympathy

Northernlurker · 18/10/2011 18:37

YABU and I agree that letting this go is the best use of your energy. Sounds like she's got herself a real prize in your ex Hmm - you really don't need to spend your precious energy being angry with her.

Lacuna · 18/10/2011 18:38

Turns out she is lovely and I always felt safer knowing her steady, organised influence was in the house when DS stayed over at his fathers.

Exactly the way I feel about my ex's partner. I thank god sometimes she's there to rein in some of his twattier behaviours...

worraliberty · 18/10/2011 18:38

But you're fuming at the wrong thing and the wrong person

YANBU to be fuming with what happened in the past and to be fuming with him

But fuming because she's in their car is unreasonable and a waste of your energy.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 18/10/2011 18:39

YANBU to still be hurting and upset over all of this. You have had one hell of a crap year :( Your Ex has shown his true colours - what a total bastard he's been & she's no better. Both of them deserve whatever karma kicks them in the arse in the future.

However, you are going to have to try to harden yourself against it - for your sake and for your DS's sake. It will tear you up if you don't.

I am sure there will be times when she comes to pick him up without your ex even and you are just going to have to accept that they are now together and she will be just as responsible for your DS while he is there as your ex is and that's pretty normal (if not pleasant for you). As long as she is nice to your DS - then try to let it go.

Don't get me wrong, for all he's done to you I'd like to hold him down while you kick him where it hurts - a lot, but at some stage you just have to be glad that this twunting prick is your ex and you are now free to meet a decent human being who wouldn't ever treat you like this - there are some out there x

usualsuspect · 18/10/2011 18:40

I would flick her the V [immature]

brdgrl · 18/10/2011 18:41

I don't really like to say that anyone is unreasonable for having a feeling. I'm sorry you are hurting. I've had some very 'unreasonable' feelings towards exes, myself!

That said, it would be VU to expect her not to do this, or to hold it against her. She's probably just trying to live her life and get on with things. She can hardly stay a certain distance from you at all times, or arrange her life to avoid you ever having to catch a glimpse of her.

BOOareHaunting · 18/10/2011 18:41

Lacuna it's great isn't it. Maybe different for me as I kicked X-P out for cheating so never felt dumped for his wife (who wasn't the one he cheated on me with!).

I agree with worra's post at 18:38 about your anger being misdirected.

MissHazeleyes · 18/10/2011 18:44

I would never call someone who my ex happened to marry my childs step "mother", she is not his "mother" in any way shape or form, she is just some random woman that my ex decided to marry. She is nothing to me and has no jurisdiction over my child, nada, nothing and so on to infinity.

However, this being the case, she can sit in the car at pick up, hell she can sit on TOP of the car at pick up, I don't care and neither should you OP, they are both nothing to you. You sound like you are doing the right thing by your child, you support his relationship with his father and do not badmouth him or HIS wife to your ds.

Don't let it bother you. Honestly don't give it the headspace. I would feel sorry for her tbh she has herself a right catch there doesn't she?

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 18:44

OK OK. I can get a grip about her because I believe she's been lied to anyway about the circumstances around the split. I am angry with him and to some extent always will be. I was a step mum to his kids for 13 years and am very aware of how sensitive you have to be. I had a very good relationship with his children until we split when they were told by their dad I had had an affair. A family member of his told me this. I havn't corrected this because they have enough to deal with themselves and I'm relying on time and the truth to win out in the end. They certainly don't need any extra pressure from me. I guess my fuming is why the hell are some men so incredibly insensitive. If I don't have to see him or her then life gets along just fine. I've put an awful lot of effort into staying positive for my son. and yes this is all about me me me cos it's me that's worked very hard at staying strong. This is a good way to vent and get the nfeelings out and try and get a balanced view.

OP posts:
ScaredBear · 18/10/2011 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend · 18/10/2011 18:45

As Mr T said, "pity the fool"

Its not really about 'her' though is it, its your ExH twattish behaviour and thoughtlessness that you should be angry at. She is just a by product and who knows, maybe she is lovely with your DS.

So, you ABU at being angry at her, but not U to be angry with your Ex.

grovel · 18/10/2011 18:47

Nice one, fastweb.

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend · 18/10/2011 18:47

Xposts with bananas

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 18:47

greenginger the stepmother isn't posting and needing some support right now

so forgive me if I don't immediately jump to her defence [hhmm]

a bit of sympathy for OP wouldn't go amiss, would it ?

I don't give a flying fuck about this twat's new wife, tbqh...she can look after herself, she knew what she was taking on

OP had no idea what sledgehammer was going to hit her a few short months ago...

I am quite secure in acknowledging where my sympathies lie

worraliberty · 18/10/2011 18:49

Well at least the fact you too have been a Step Mother kind of gives you an insight into her hopefully possible relationship with your son.

You're hurting now (understandably) but who knows, she could prove to be a god send in the future when you get to know her.

I know my DS's Step Mum was the only reason I felt 100% comfortable allowing my boys to stay over night with my ex...because she was sensible and very caring towards them.

Just as you were to your Step Children I imagine.

IQuiteLikeVodka · 18/10/2011 18:56

You can tell ,I think,which of these posters are in a similar situation to the woman in the car.
Quite a few sharp reactions to the OP,which don't seem empathetic to a fellow human being who has suffered terribly in her recent past.
OP it does not surprise me one bit that it hurts you to see the new wife in your place,anger often comes from hurt therefore in my opinion you have reacted normally and I offer you my total empathy and wish you much happiness in your and your little boy's future
Wine

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 18:58

God don't you jus hate it sometimes. Although some responses I havn't wanted to acknowledge I can see where everyone is coming from. I wonder if people have more empathy if its happened to them. I'm sure she is very nice but the fact that neither of them actually chose to tell me they were married goes a long way to say how much respect they have for me, the poor mother who can't move on. It tells me a lot when my DS isn't included in the wedding but his other kids are. I'd have hated it but believe it or not would have risen above it and thankj you AnyPhantomFucker, it is not the new wife who is posting but me in need of some support and thank fully I do feel its been offered so thank you for all the comments.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 18/10/2011 18:58

I think everyone has shown empathy here.

It seems to be an almost unanimous YABU...but the thread doesn't lack empathy imo.

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 18:59

I think that too, IQLV, and of course I understand it. Step mothers can get a tought time...but she isn't the one asking for support in the here and now is she ?

I responded to the OP's distress...that is my only concern on this thread

Telling her to "get a grip" or taking the OW's side seems insensitive to say the least...

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 18:59

Thank you Vodka. I was writing my comment when your post came but I totally agree. Is it normal that it is non of my business to be told by him he even has a wife??

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 19:02

I don't think that is normal, no

I think it un-necesarily cruel and vindictive

TheLandofGreenGinger · 18/10/2011 19:03

AF, I wasn't asking that you defend the stepmother Hmm

but more that you don't make unnecessary assumptions about her, tbh.

it is possible to support one person without running down the other.

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 19:03

I fucking hate this man and I don't even know him Xmas Angry

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 19:03

fangry ...yup, that about covers it Smile

Swipe left for the next trending thread