Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fuming when the ex's new wife comes to the house with the ex to collect my DS.

184 replies

bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 18:19

My DS has just been collected by his dad for the night and SHE was in the car. Am fuming. Why does she have to come to my space and why does he have to think its OK for her to do that. OK we seperated a year ago by his decision and he then got engaged 10 weeks later and married 6 months after that. I know the sensible thing is to think time's moved on and I should move on too but we were together 13 years and he split with me the days after my son was diagnosed with cancer. If he'd waited to introduce her for a few months maybe it would have been easier to cope with. The good thing is it keeps reminding me what a relief it is to be out of that relationship and I'm doing everything I can to stay positive about DS's dad and new wife but inside I'm fuming and don't want it in my face. So am I being unreasonable??????

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 18/10/2011 19:04

Get used to it, my ex NEVER sees the children by himself (although they sometimes would like to just see him) She too was the ow (NOW WIFE) & I think it must be insecurity. Having said that it is over 5 years since we separated so you'd think they might have moved on a bit lol!!

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 19:05

green ginger I didn't say you were telling me to defend the SM

I said that you were

TheLandofGreenGinger · 18/10/2011 19:05

x-posts and thread has moved on.

bananas, of course your exh has been a twunt of the highest order - it is not right at all that he did not tell you, has not told you, did not involve your ds in their wedding. you are understandably hurt by his actions, but I do agree with worra - your hurt and anger are misdirected.

IQuiteLikeVodka · 18/10/2011 19:06

Not everyone worra,not at first anyway.
He's probably too cowardly to let you know,seems like a cowardly thing to do in the first place (the way he left),so it wouldn't be surprising if he's just a general coward!

TheLandofGreenGinger · 18/10/2011 19:07

x-posts again.

I can see why you read it that way, AF. imo I was defending the stepmother against your unreasonable assumptions of her character.

but anyway, this is not helpful.

screamqueenrollo · 18/10/2011 19:09

I hope you can reach a stage where you feel ambivalent about her/them. Where you can exchange pleasantries and have a civil, if restrained, relationship with them. I hope you reach this stage, because you will feel so much more at peace when you do.

I split from DS dad, it was 'mutual' but still incredibly traumatic. 4 weeks after we split he announced that the weekend before he and a mutual and very close friend of ours had 'discovered they had feelings for each other'. It poleaxed me. I hated her for that. I was still trying to get my head round the collapse of a very long relationship and he just moved right on.......and she was our friend.

It took me a while to get over it. To stop feeling utter hatred towards her. But the bottom line is that ex and Ds step-mum are happy. Me and my new DH are happy. As a result my DS is happy.

I really do understand why you feel the way do, and it's totally justified. I just hope that with the passage of time you can reach the stage i got to where i realised that I couldn't dwell on what happened - I needed to move forward.

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 19:11

No, it's not helpful GG, so lets shake on it. Agree to disagree, yes ? My concern is with OP, not arguing with you. It may be best not to name check people and pick up on their posts if you don't want a disagreement, however.

exoticfruits · 18/10/2011 19:12

I understand your feelings entirely-it must be very difficult but she is now an important part of his life and of your DCs life so it is entirely reasonable that she would be in the car.

worraliberty · 18/10/2011 19:13

On the other hand they could simply be going shopping/for a meal/wherever....hence the reason she happens to be in their car.

TheLandofGreenGinger · 18/10/2011 19:13
Hmm

nice offer of peace Hmm

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 19:13

I can't wait to move on. I know I need to lay off being angry and most of the time have it well under control and just get on with life. I can't imagine getting a new man though, how on earth do you get over the mistrust you feel and let someone else in.

OP posts:
gothicangel · 18/10/2011 19:14

YES,

squeakyfreakytoy · 18/10/2011 19:15

His other children are your boys half siblings, and if they are all well over the age of 13, then they deserve to know the truth, and not be lied to. Do not let them carry on thinking that you had an affair, that is just wrong. They are old enough to know the truth and make their own judgement on their father.

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 19:17

I just wish I wasn't being unreasonable to not want her in the car at my house. BUT I KNOW I AM. Arse. Move on. I don't care really what they were doing I just ish she wasn't doing it with my son. Sorry I know that's immature and not helpful but ..... It's so difficult to be sensible and reasonable and mature and understanding and all those things I'm lacking today!!!!

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 19:18

you name checked me, GG what do you expect ?

worraliberty · 18/10/2011 19:18

I can't imagine getting a new man though, how on earth do you get over the mistrust you feel and let someone else in

Fate can play a great part in that.

I was very happily divorced and had been living with my 8yr old and 10 month old (at the time of split) for around 2yrs. I was neither for or against meeting another man as my boys were my world.

Then my Sister died right out of the blue just after her 36th Birthday (pneumonia) and Brother's friend (who he hadn't seen for 15yrs) came to the funeral.

I asked about his Brother (I'd dated him when we were teenagers)...he gave me his mobile number and we've been very happily married for 10yrs so far with a DS of our own.

So you just never know what the future holds Smile

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 19:19

how about I offer you the floor GG ?

you can put in as many name checks and Hmm faces as you wish, and I won't respond again, ok

< sweeps arm along floor in dramatic fashion whilst walking off stage exit left

FabbyChic · 18/10/2011 19:20

I told my childrens father about two weeks after I got married. My children didn't come though.

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 19:21

I know squeky freaky but they have had to cope with my ds@s cancer, the big split and the new woman now wife. I don't care about her but do care about them and I guess am relying on his family members to put them right. I just feel they've been under a lot of pressure too to accept all this. One is 14 (no doubt raging hormones) and the other is 19 with a baby (raging hormones). I want them to stay strong and not have to be confused about their dad. Sounds like I'm being a bit of a martyr but I think I'm trying not to but pressure on them.

OP posts:
KatAndKit · 18/10/2011 19:21

I can understand how you are feeling, especially considering the circumstances of your split and the very short period of time that elapsed before he married her. You know you are unreasonable to have a problem with her being in her own family car on the public road outside your house. But I can understand you still having angry feelings about it.

worraliberty · 18/10/2011 19:21

Ironically I married my DH on the day my Ex's wife walked out on him....their marriage only lasted 11 months!

Booooooyhoo · 18/10/2011 19:22

yabsoooou

and you sound like a nightmare tbh.

Uppity · 18/10/2011 19:24

No yanbu to feel like this. You are absolutely entitled to despise the ex and his new woman.

You would however, be unreasonable to show your DS or them that you felt like this. But you know that already don't you? Sounds like you're doing heroically well. You have to come to terms with the fact that this woman is now in your DS's life and may be until she dies; but you are under no obligation to respect or like her or welcome her presence in your life. the only thing you need to do, is make life easier for your DS with regard to her and I'm sure you don't need a bunch of randoms on the internet to tell you that, you know it already.

Look after yourself and don't expect too much of yourself yet. It takes time to get over such a betrayal and a year is really not that long.

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 19:25

Thanks for your support booooooyhoo

OP posts:
fastweb · 18/10/2011 19:27

and you sound like a nightmare tbh.

says the ghost of So Far Up My Own Arse I Spout Shite