AIBU to be fuming when the ex's new wife comes to the house with the ex to collect my DS.

[bananasinpyjamas]

My DS has just been collected by his dad for the night and SHE was in the car. Am fuming. Why does she have to come to my space and why does he have to think its OK for her to do that. OK we seperated a year ago by his decision and he then got engaged 10 weeks later and married 6 months after that. I know the sensible thing is to think time's moved on and I should move on too but we were together 13 years and he split with me the days after my son was diagnosed with cancer. If he'd waited to introduce her for a few months maybe it would have been easier to cope with. The good thing is it keeps reminding me what a relief it is to be out of that relationship and I'm doing everything I can to stay positive about DS's dad and new wife but inside I'm fuming and don't want it in my face. So am I being unreasonable??????

Completely incidental to the actual thread - but I hope you went to a GUM clinic and got fully tested, if you haven't - you should. (No need to answer!!)

yaNbu - Bloody hell people give the woman a break. He sounds like a shit so unlucky her (new wife). In the meantime it takes AGES to get over something ordinary so 13 years together, a son and all that crap from him - no my dear you are in fact being very very reasonable. Takes time. You are allowed a bit of anger, irritation, hurt etc.
Good luck to you and your little boy...

I just wanted to add this.
My ds1 who is 21 has just split with his gf and Mum to his little boy.He has just told me of his plan to make life easier for them,involving financial support and not having a girlfriend for some time so as not to cause any further hurt.
He has offered to have his ds when ever she says and is changing his job to be more supportive to them. They split by mutual aggreement btw. I think he could teach a lot of men twice his age a thing or two.

he has a brill mum, that is why

Sorry Bananas I haven't had time to read all the responses, but the first few I read were all hammering away at you that YWBU - I think if you'd posted this in step parenting you would have got a much more sympathetic response, but maybe some of the later ones were.

I can absolutely understand why you are fuming at the new wife sitting in the car. She's probably fuming too cus your ex says she can't come in! It's a bloody awful situation and unless you have been in that situation you cannot understand or empathise.

Everyone has feelings and we can't just switch them off. BUT he was not unreasonable in having his ex wife in his own car. Your feelings are valid but they are YOURS to deal with. Its rough but thats the way it is. Your anger is understandable but not justifiable - he didn't do anything wrong.

and may I add, as a stepmum myself, that your view is your view of course and you are entitled to it. And you can feel sorry for new wife if that is also the case as you obviously have a very low opinion of your ex and think she has made a bad choice.

In my case when i got together with my now DH I had many vitriolic emails and text messages from his ex telling me what a completely horrible man he is, that he is a terrible father, how he has never done anything etc, how she hopes I rot in hell, that our marriage will be misery, that I am nothing to do with her children, that I have no jurisdiction over them etc etc etc.
She left him by the way.
What's interesting of course is that 10 years down the line we continue to be extremely happy, he is the most wonderful person, a great dad and I DO have jurisdiction over her children as they've spent a lot of time with us during those 10 years, often I am the one caring for them on my own if DH is working etc. And 18 months ago the younger DS decided to come and live with us so he is very much part of my life, and I am in his.
So like it or not, you have to get over this, accept that this woman that you have never met is part of your DS's life and will continue to be so. You are making assumptions about her based on nothing.
What a waste of energy. I hope you can refocus onto something more positive.

Oh and I forgot to add, one of the things my DH's ex tried to enforce is that she "would not allow me" to drive down her road {seriously], or be in the car when the boys were being picked up and that I was never to collect or drop them on my own, whatever the circumstances.

It's a free country. I'm not sure you, she, or anyone else can dictate who drives down any particular road or who parks within eyesight of whom.

If he has children by her OP what are you going to say when DS comes home excited by the prospect of a new brother or sister? Are you going to do what a client of mine did and insist he say "half-sister"?