Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fuming when the ex's new wife comes to the house with the ex to collect my DS.

184 replies

bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 18:19

My DS has just been collected by his dad for the night and SHE was in the car. Am fuming. Why does she have to come to my space and why does he have to think its OK for her to do that. OK we seperated a year ago by his decision and he then got engaged 10 weeks later and married 6 months after that. I know the sensible thing is to think time's moved on and I should move on too but we were together 13 years and he split with me the days after my son was diagnosed with cancer. If he'd waited to introduce her for a few months maybe it would have been easier to cope with. The good thing is it keeps reminding me what a relief it is to be out of that relationship and I'm doing everything I can to stay positive about DS's dad and new wife but inside I'm fuming and don't want it in my face. So am I being unreasonable??????

OP posts:
captainBeaky · 18/10/2011 19:56

ok, sorry too :)

Balsam · 18/10/2011 19:57

YABU but it's because you're hurting like hell so I'm going to let you off. Have a hug instead.

smokinaces · 18/10/2011 19:57

bananas, I struggled with my ex moving in with someone after a year, so god knows how you coped with 2 days! Hats off to you.

It is shitty. My ex's girlfriend is now pregnant (after he left because he didnt want the kids!) and our personalities completely clash, but I try for the kids.

I am still single (apart from a couple of flings) 2.5 years on and couldnt be happier. Lets just say my life is on the constant up at the moment and Karma has been biting his arse big time for 24 months.

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 20:00

roll on karma. I'm almost waiting for the day when I see her with a pregnant bump. I'm sure I won't be told as it's "non of my business".....apparently.... Being single is definately better than being with my ex!!!!

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 20:03

wtf is wrong with everyone on this thread Confused

is it 'cos its in AIBU ?

christ, I used to give people the benefit of the doubt that they didn't get ranty and confrontational for the sake of it in here, but perhaps I was wrong

CB boooyhoooo has apologised and OP has accepted it...move on < sheesh >

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 20:04

oh bugger, now you have apologised too CB

serves me right for getting distracted by "Coast" on the telly Grin

sorry

AitchTwoOh · 18/10/2011 20:04

good for you, bananas. i hope the thread helped (personally i gave up reading it half-way through).

i have huge sympathy with your predicament and do think that she should keep away altogether... but she doesn't, so... and it's not really even her that you are angry at, it's your bad, bad tosser of an ex, she's way down the scale compared to him.

very glad that your son is okay and hope you get over this completely rational hatred soon. Smile

smartyparts · 18/10/2011 20:06

I can imagine, in your shoes OP, I'd not want her with a 20 mile radius of me!

But, realistically, she's your ds stepmother so smile through gritted teeth and enjoy the moral high ground.

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 20:06

and now even BIP is going ll chilled on our asses, while we all take pot shots at each other

I hope you are very proud, OP Grin Wink

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 20:06

all

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 20:07

< oof >

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 20:10

Am feeling chilled cos its so good to hear that people give a shit about each other and its good to know you can rant to people who are intelligent enough to put it back at you!! .... and I'm on my second beer!!!!!! Still feel afronted but at least I know why!!!!!

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 20:11

ah good x Smile

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 20:12

Can I carry on watching Coast with my full attention then, because I rather fancy that wee dark scottish one x

racetobed · 18/10/2011 20:13

really feel for you OP. Sorry you've had to read so many twattish responses as well.

of course she should have the sensitivity to stay away, but then, if she hasn't had kids yet, she probably doesn't get that.

i don't buy all this "she's your DS stepmother so you've just got to suck it up". she's actually not that important. she's just your ex-husband's new wife. the only link to your children is their marriage. who's to say they won't divorce themselves in a few years? and then what is she to your children?

really, OP, whatever this woman becomes to your children, whether it's an aunt-type figure for whom they feel genuine affection or just a second wife they tolerate, it doesn't change who you are to them. You are their mother.

Hope you feel better about it soon.

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 20:13

You may!!!!!! Thank you....again!!!!!!!! Would do a smiley if I knew how!!

OP posts:
captainBeaky · 18/10/2011 20:13

yeay! On the good side really. Night y'all xxx

heleninahandcart · 18/10/2011 20:14

Some of you just don't get it do you. I bet those of you who have told OP she is being VU would be the first to want to rant in the street at exH or this woman. Another case of posters copying the first response.

OP knows it is logically unreasonable. Its not about the car though is it, her marriage is over and this woman was involved in that. Why can't the ex and new wife have enough decency to at least not rub her face in it (whether intentional or not)?

OP I agree the wife is probably insecure. I also think your ex is a self centred twunt and you are YANBU fuming regardless of either of them. You have recently been to hell and back and I can't begin to wonder what is it like to have a very sick child.

Fume on, rant on here or in private then ignore, ignore, ignore

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 20:17

Thank you racetobed. I've been the stepmother and it can all get taken away very quickly something I don't blame the kids for one iota and actually it gives me more respect for there mum who's always there regardless. The stepmother thind is weird though cos you're right, as a lot of people have said, she is just a random person. My rational head knows my only interest for my DS is his dad. My emotional head reacts to his insensitivities.

OP posts:
toptramp · 18/10/2011 20:18

He is a knob of the highest order in what he did to you and your son. If I were you i'd extend your compassion and pity to the other woman and thank your lucky stars that you are no longer with the prick.
And she is a complete mug if she is willing to be with a man who left his son with cancer. Does she even know? If she does she is a masochiost.
You deserve better girl. Remember: pity and compassion.

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 20:20

It is weird that another woman would get involved so seriously in something so difficult. It makes you wonder how long she has been around!!!! A question I'm not asking cos is totally unrelated but I'm proud I didn't rant in the street, just said to him why did she have to come to my house and a bit of sensitivity woulkd have been nice. I saved the rant for mumsnet...... and my sister!!!!

OP posts:
fastweb · 18/10/2011 20:24

My rational head knows my only interest for my DS is his dad. My emotional head reacts to his insensitivities.

That is becuase you have a condition.

The one called being human

(almost) Everybody needs time to change gear emotionally, a year is way too optimistic a time frame for a complete mop up operation leaving you virtually scar free and without hotspots, even without the complicating factor of how ill your son has been.

Hand on heart I don't believe for a second I would have done even half as well in your shoes.

toptramp · 18/10/2011 20:26

Remember; she is a mug and he is a twat. Let them get on with it.

Think long and hard about this; could you really love a man who ran away from your son when he needed him most? Honestly? I know I couldn't.
Loose respect for your ex and you will soon feel sorry for his new women rather than anger towards her.

It always works for me if I am feeling jealous of and exes new girl. I just feel sorry for her that she has to put up with his inadequacies.

Hold your head up high and take the moral high ground. What happens when the new women gets sick etc? he'll be off like a shot and onto the new bit of stuff. I am angry on your behalf op.

toptramp · 18/10/2011 20:28

If she was involved in the break up then you can conclude that she is a nasty mug but she didn't put a gun to his head. he fucked up ultimately.

BOOareHaunting · 18/10/2011 20:29

Some of you just don't get it do you. I bet those of you who have told OP she is being VU would be the first to want to rant in the street at exH or this woman. Another case of posters copying the first response.

ERR actually no. I wrote I think Banana's is U not to want her DS SM there in the car because I think she is. I have been there, DS SM (was dads GF at the time) kept back because she was being respectful - turns out she's lovely.

I do think her EX is a twunt and I do think the OP has had a crappy few years. For that I can understand her anger and empathise. I don't see why the Sm often get ill directed anger.