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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fuming when the ex's new wife comes to the house with the ex to collect my DS.

184 replies

bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 18:19

My DS has just been collected by his dad for the night and SHE was in the car. Am fuming. Why does she have to come to my space and why does he have to think its OK for her to do that. OK we seperated a year ago by his decision and he then got engaged 10 weeks later and married 6 months after that. I know the sensible thing is to think time's moved on and I should move on too but we were together 13 years and he split with me the days after my son was diagnosed with cancer. If he'd waited to introduce her for a few months maybe it would have been easier to cope with. The good thing is it keeps reminding me what a relief it is to be out of that relationship and I'm doing everything I can to stay positive about DS's dad and new wife but inside I'm fuming and don't want it in my face. So am I being unreasonable??????

OP posts:
Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 20:51

toptrump you are right. I'm gonna convert my anger feelings to pity. At least its a way to cope till time does its thing. I'll never forget what he thought it was OK to do. Me and DS are doing well now and we have a steady world. Although I may feel sorry for her (my new feeling) no one did hold a gun to her head and I have to think that she is as responsible as him for creating such an insensitive situation.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 18/10/2011 20:53

The more I read about your ex, the more of a saint I think you are!

What a wanker!

Callous wanker at that.

Hope you're enjoying your beer and fag OP. Smile

springydaffs · 18/10/2011 20:55

No you are not BU but you were U to post on AIBU! which invites moronic comments from people who don't have a brain cell eat books by the sound of it.

the ex's bos wife is not ds's stepmother for goodness sake. She's some woman who married the boy's dad, is all. She may become someone significant in future let's hope not but then again she may not let's hope so .

the defensiveness of 'stepmothers' on MN is irritating at the very least. All this "I'm so glad of my dc's stepmother, she is lovely, a breath of fresh air" or whatever is plain irritating and smug: good for you sweetie if that's how it's turned out for you but for most it isn't anything like a hallmark ending. A lot of stepmothers though not all are a PITA tbf, particularly at the beginning and esp if they haven't had their own children.

Sorry you've had a shit time banana. You know and we know she's welcome to this excuse of a human being but as someone said upthread, those feelings don't magically appear overnight, it takes a while to get to that; and you have to go through a lot of hurt feelings and anger before you get there.

I particularly liked the poster's suggestion that you flick the V at the silly woman her

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 21:01

I do worry I should be over it all by now. Not the ex, am well over him but the whole situation. My ex is quick to say I should move on and accept everything as it is which I know is true but I have always thought he is a bit of a robot. Its easy to feel weak and pathetic when you still get angry at this tuff a year on.

OP posts:
Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 21:02

I'm no saint by the way amberleaf!!!! Just trying not to drown like so many others on here!!! Thanks though!!

OP posts:
Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 21:07

Sorry that is wrong, not not trying to drown but trying to hold my head up and cope with the crap that comes along whilst trying to maintain a smidgen of self respect!!!!!

OP posts:
brdgrl · 18/10/2011 21:07

the defensiveness of 'stepmothers' on MN is irritating at the very least.

..and the bitterness from some (notably, not the OP) women towards an entire group of other women, often for no good reason, is quite disgusting.

springydaffs has already flogged her notion that a stepmother is nothing to her stepkids but "some woman who married the...dad" on these boards, and it still reeks.

i am my SC's stepmum, and fuck anyone who says otherwise. i'm a good stepmum, too. irritating and smug? oh, well. defensive? maybe...probably because some people are so offensive about what is, after all, my life.

Bledkr · 18/10/2011 21:07

people are being a bit mean i think.The new wife was on the scene very quickly so op was obviously hurt.
My ex has brought the ow to collect dd a few times and it does make me a bit Hmm Its hard to understand unless you have experienced it but i feel as if its a bit intrusive upon my personal apace,after all i wouldnt go to her house,
OP its just one of those things,do what i do,smile and look happy,as apf said she maybe insecure.

AnyPhantomFucker · 18/10/2011 21:14

could we at least try not to turn PIB's thread into a defensive stance from all the step mothers on here ?

it's just not relevant...this isn't about your relationsips, it's about PIB's

and as many have said, and I agree with them, her anger and contempt should be fairly set at her exH which she has already acknowledged

so some of you need to get off your soapboxes, tbh...my concern is for PIB and her alone (including her dc of course)

anything else just looks like defensive posturing to me

and FWIW...if a step mother were posting for support on their own thread I would be just as likely to give it to you

let her have her space, fgs

sunnyday123 · 18/10/2011 21:16

i totally understand and would feel exactly the same way! If the ex managed to leave you get engaged and married within 6 months he sounds a little immature. I would have expected him to consider his child feelings too - for a parent to remarry so quickly is insensitive imo on the child as how you feel obviously affects him. If he was half decent he would have waited to consider/settle his own family in the new situation before setting up his new one!

FontOfAllEvil · 18/10/2011 21:17

I'm sure that you are feeling hurt (pissed off or a million other things) and that your ex was an arse. But to be fuming at someone sitting in a car near your house is very unreasonable. So is feeling sorry for her tbh, also quite patronising. She is going to have a relationship with your son whether you like it or not, you will be partly responsible for how your son reacts to her, the best thing for him will be for you to put on a brave face and don't give him any negativity towards her. Hard work for you, but best for your DS.

springydaffs · 18/10/2011 21:18

"I do worry I should be over it all by now."

it's been a year ffs banana. a year. NOt 5 years - of course you're 'not over it' yet. Give yourself a break! These things can take a long time to get over fully - you can come a long way in a year but in the scheme of things you've got a way to go. What a shit to tell you to get over it (but we know he's a shit, right?).

brdgrl - whatever sweetie. How lovely for those dc that you are their wonderful stepmother - lucky dc!

eslteacher · 18/10/2011 21:20

Wowza, what a thread...am going to try to to ignore some of the side-debates that have arisen just focus on the OP here but there are some very provocative comments...

OP, I don't think you are BU to have these feelings. It sounds like you have been through an exceptionally hard time...god, I can't imagine having to deal with a child having such an awful illness, and to be coping with that on your own AND the shock of your ex leaving...really, there are no words for how horrible that must be. Your ex sounds...well I'll settle for extremely twattish, but I want to say a lot more. It seems that you are well shot of him.

I do think it would BU to direct fury at your ex's new wife instead of the ex himself. From what you have said, she seems relatively innocuous. He should have told you he was married - not her. TBH if she is staying in the car she's already showing some level of sensitivty towards you, at least.

As a stepmother yourself, you obviously know the importance that stepmothers inevitably play in childrens' lives, whether you ask for it or not. It must be hard to do it with someone as twattish as your ex, but I think for your DS's sake you have to try to foster good relations with them both at some point...it'll be so much better for him in the long run. But anyway, from what you've said you already know all this on some level. Honestly...it sucks that you have to play nice with a man who has treated you so insensitively, especially as you've already been through so much...but unfortunately you have to do it anway IMO. Life is just not fair sometimes....

brdgrl · 18/10/2011 21:20

i posted a reply to the OP earlier. i stand by it and hope it didn;t offend her in any way.

but it was not me who turned this thread. the attack on stepmothers in general came up-thread. i agree that this is not the place for generalisations about the evilness of stepmothers, so let's not have any more of that.

i won't say any more on thsi thread, because i do agree it is not helpful to the OP, but I will certainly respond to insulting nonsense when it appears, and I don't apologise for rising to springydaff's (and others', above!) bait.

springydaffs · 18/10/2011 21:26

where did you read that then font?

FontOfAllEvil · 18/10/2011 21:28

What? Sorry springydaffs, not sure what you mean?

fedupofnamechanging · 18/10/2011 21:34

You've had a truly awful time bananas. I would be in pieces if all this had happened to me. A year is nothing when it comes to getting over traumatic events. I wouldn't want either of them near my child and feel so sad for you that you have to allow them access.

I just wanted to say that I think you should tell your step children the truth about what happened. I understand that you don't want to cause them problems with their dad, but if you've had a close relationship with them, it might make them feel better to know that you haven't behaved badly or dropped out of their lives. It's not fair to leave them with a false impression of you. It will be confusing for them because it won't fit the picture of the 'you' that they know and it does you both a disservice to leave them with his lies.

Your ex has done a truly shitty thing - I wouldn't help him to bury that and make you out to be the wrong doer.

Not much consolation at the moment, but your ex and his new wife deserve each other. You deserve so much more.

Hope things get better for you soon x

PootlePosyPumpkin · 18/10/2011 21:40

I do totally understand why you feel that way TBH, not only did your ex put this particular women in front of you, by leaving you for her, he also seemingly put her in front of your DS by leaving to be with her so soon after DS's diagnosis & getting engaged so close to his major op. As a mum I can imagine that would hurt so much more than him actually leaving you. I understand why you would never want to be near that woman but, rationally speaking, it was your ex that mainly did wrong and as she will be a part of your DS's life, like it or not, you may have to try to tolerate her just a little bit. Difficult though.

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 21:43

It's difficult to know what to do about ex's kids. I think the world of them but do worry about dragging up stuff. I think I have to hope that they just don't believe it and hope my relationship with them when we were together was good enough for them to cast some doubt.
One of the hardest things has been having to accept that my ds will have a relationship with their dad at all never mind the new woman. I've consistently supported my ds seeing his dad and much of it is through very gritted teeth. Not sure if I'm ready to sit down and have a cup of tea with her!! My ideal would be that he would move away and let me and ds get on with it but I know this wouldn't be the best for my ds. I'll continue to support their relationship but sometimes just wish I didn't have to be so frigging understanding!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 18/10/2011 21:44

Sometimes it feels like he always gets what he wants. Every piece of cake there is!!!!

OP posts:
tralalala · 18/10/2011 21:52

bananas - I would totally feel the same as you, in fact the fact you have been what sounds like a good step mother makes it even harder for you.

You know that for your son's sake you need to try and make peace with this woman. It will affect the way she treats you son either consicously or subconsciously (12 years of step parenting has taught me that much).

You anger should be reserved for him. But you need find a way to deal with it or else it will eat at you for years

also do tell you step children the truth otherwise they will feel lied to. I would also very calmly inform your ex you have done that to.

I really hope you find some peace so you can move on, I would go for counsellling so that you can talk it through at length with a non-judgemental ear. (and smash lots of things -helps me!)

FunnyHaHaPeculiar · 18/10/2011 21:58

i wonder how stepchildrens mum felt when she knew you were there looking after them and what not

maybe she felt same to you as you do to third wife (am assuming only 3)

OsmosisBanana · 18/10/2011 21:58

I think YABU but at the same time I completely see why you are IYKWIM? Pain is pain.

fastweb · 18/10/2011 22:03

just wish I didn't have to be so frigging understanding!!!!!!

But thank god love, thank god he has one parent who can and does put his needs first, regardless of bitter after taste of having to swallow so much crap in order to be able to do that.

Cos I think the writing on the wall makes it clear you are the only one he has who understands that parental wants do not trump children's needs.

But that doesn't mean your own hurt should be shoved into a box that gets no recognition or comprehension. Cos that could go a bit Pandora if a pressure cooker situation gets out of hand.

I think this could be a good place (well the realtionships board bit of it anyway) for you to let off steam, sort out how you feel, work out what you want to do, get the valuable "fuel for the onwards and upwards" of external understanding how much doing the right thing by your son can hurt and cost you alone, while other people never seem to pay a penny to the piper.

The reason it doesn't feel fair love, is becuase it isn't. And what speaks well of you is that you've plugged away doing your best by your child in the face of that.

clam · 18/10/2011 22:08

"The new wife was on the scene very quickly"

Erm.... hello? I think it's safe to assume she was the scene. As in, they were almost certainly together beforehand. Sure, the twatty exH is responsible for his marriage, but she appears to have been complicit in shagging a man whose son was seriously ill and whose wife must have been beside herself. Nice touch!