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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that neighbour put letter through door at 5am complaining about dd crying..?

470 replies

cheaperthantherapy · 27/09/2011 09:03

i need some perspective I think... Am 12 weeks pg, so hormones contributing to irrational emotions -AIBU....

We moved to new house in July, semi detached in London. Poor dd, 14 mo, has been unsettled since move and has woken up average twice a night crying. I soothe and put her back down within 15 mins. The past week she's been teething and waking screaming 6 times a night. So I have get in with me to quickly calm and try teething gel.

Last night 5am our neighbour (mid 20s woman) put a letter through our door saying she is fed up with dd crying, she has gone to doc for medication, and asking if she needs to move to get sleep...

My reaction was to write a note back suggesting in an offended and grumpy tone that she clearly has more issues if she needs to see doc because of crying baby and recommended she buy earplugs (I attached a packet of ear plugs for her).

Dh didn't let me put the note in her door - but am still fuming... AIBU?

OP posts:
Katisha · 27/09/2011 09:06

Well to be honest she is probably pretty desperate.
Can you move dd to a different room while the teething is going on - not next to the party wall?

DooinMeCleanin · 27/09/2011 09:06

YANBU. But in all fairness a mid twenties, single woman is going to be clueless about babies and is probably one of those whose 'baby will never cry because they will do x' much like we all were at one point Grin

I'd still post the note, though.

TheSkiingGardener · 27/09/2011 09:06

The neighbour hasn't handled this well. A note dropped through the door is so PA when she could have talked to you.

I think, when you've calmed down, you and your neighbour really need to talk. Apologise but explain it's not deliberate, you're doing everything you can and see what happens.

Not a great situation for either of you but unavoidable in semi detached houses.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2011 09:07

YABU.... It's been going on for several months, your neighbour is upset and in need of medication and your first thought is to write a snotty, sarcastic note??? Go and apologise for the noise, talk to your neighbour and explain about DD's teething. Get to know the woman rather than go straight onto the defensive.

porcamiseria · 27/09/2011 09:07

she does not have kids, and she wont understand. I know its tough but you must try and see her side

send apologetic note,maybe put in earplugs, and explain this is a phase due to teething and you hope it will get to normal again

DO NOT send her a pissy note. you are the one that has kept her awake!!!!!

SoupDragon · 27/09/2011 09:07

TBH, yes you are. At some point you really should have apologised to the woman and explained why your DD is unsettled. If she doesn't have children she probably has no idea or has forgotten if hers are well past that stage.

Your DH was entirely right not to let you post your reply. Go and have a chat with the neighibour now, apologising and explaining. she probably has no idea.

amistillsexy · 27/09/2011 09:08

Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.
There is absolutely nothing you can do about DD crying. If you could stop her, you would!
DD's crying in the night will pass (probably in about 6 months...just in time for new baby to arrive Grin ).
The short answer to your neighbour's note is 'unfortunately, yes '

QueenStromba · 27/09/2011 09:08

YABU.

ArmageddonOuttahere · 27/09/2011 09:09

A war of 'notes' is not going to get you anywhere apart from increasingly resentful. Have you ever spoken face-to-face over it?

It's easy to be furious at a sound through the wall but when you talk in person, she might gain some perspective and understanding from seeing the human face of the issue. Do you feel that you can knock on her door and discuss it in a calm way?

BagofHolly · 27/09/2011 09:09

Neither of you are being unreasonable I think. Broken sleep is hellish when it's your own darling child that wakes you, and frustrating beyond belief if it's something beyond your control, like outside noises. 6 times a night is a LOT, have you tried giving her Calpol/calprofen? I've never found teething gel that helpful by itself.
In the long run it's best to stay cordial with the neighbours. Is there any soundproofing you could do, like putting wardrobes against the dividing wall?
Hope your baby's teeth are through soon. x

savoycabbage · 27/09/2011 09:10

Poor woman. (not you)

TotemPole · 27/09/2011 09:10

Can you reorganise the sleeping arrangements so that DD is further away from the adjoining wall?

Mishy1234 · 27/09/2011 09:10

YANBU to be upset, I would be too.

This woman is in her 20's and obviously has no idea of what children are like. Noise is a fact of life if you live in a semi-detached house and if your neighbours have children you just have to accept a certain amount of noise.

Are all the bedrooms adjoining one another? Is there another room you could take your DD to whilst you settle her?

I would agree with your DH that a note in retaliation is only going to inflame the situation. I would just ignore it and put it down to PMT (hers obviously!).

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 27/09/2011 09:10

Why are you furious? Because the woman is unhappy with repeated nights of disturbed sleep? Confused

Original poster
cheaperthantherapy · 27/09/2011 09:11

It's 2 bed house so the rooms are pretty restricted. It made me both really upset and angry. I know she must feel desperate- but all it served to do was increase my stress levels. When I used to live in flat next to a baby room I wouldn't have dreamed of complaining... She's a baby - and they cry .. Now I feel paranoid even if dd just upset for 1 minute..

OP posts:
nickschick · 27/09/2011 09:11

I think that unless you actually have a baby/small child the noise they make can be earshattering - I myself have 3 ds and sometimes I hear a baby cry in the supermarket and think thank god I dont have that.....my eldest ds a v patient lad has been known to get off a bus and wait for the next one cos a baby crying disturbed him that much.

Its v difficult you obviously arent leaving your dc to cry but your neighbour isnt particularly child friendly ........and your pregnant so its not likely to stop any time soon Wink.

I think you need to speak to neighbour calmly and tell her its something you are addressing but obviously its normal.

GypsyMoth · 27/09/2011 09:12

It's been going on this long and SIX times a night and you've not even been round yet to explain or even thought about your neighbours???

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 09:12

She must be pretty desperate to have done that Sad

Are you 100% sure in your heart of hearts that you do actually settle her/see to her within 15 minutes?

When you're used to your baby crying, it's easy to mistake how long they're actually doing it for.

ForYourDreamsAreChina · 27/09/2011 09:13

Would you have preferred her to come round and shout?

5am must mean she was pretty desperate.

It's not your child's fault, it's not your fault, but it sure as heck isn't your neighbour's fault. Unfortunately that day has arrived when you have to realise that everybody else's life does not revolve around your domestic arrangements.

Time for some bridge building...maybe go round, apologise (like most parents do when their children, intentionally or otherwise, cause a nuisance)

GypsyMoth · 27/09/2011 09:13

You seem genuinely surprised about it being an annoyance for others

Sort it quickly before your neighbour involves env health or something!!

Are you renting?

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 27/09/2011 09:14

WTF? She's upset after repeated nights of disturbed sleep, so it must be down to PMT?! Shock

porcamiseria · 27/09/2011 09:16

I agree, to send a note at 5am she must have been desperate, I think you need to pour some oil and these troubled waters and do a charm offensive

PanicMode · 27/09/2011 09:16

I sympathise- we have a non sleeping 17 month old - our older three sleep very well, but the 'baby' is often screaming at 4am at the top of his lungs, and we live in a semi, on a very quiet street. He's never been a good sleeper and after over a year of very disturbed sleep I am a walking zombie half the time!

However, I apologise to our neighbours regularly - I know how hard it is to be sleep deprived (and I've also done sleep deprived and pregnant) and remain rational at times - so I can understand why you are annoyed about the note, but I think that you need to go and talk to her and explain that you are doing what you can. Is it possible to move her so she's not against the party wall?

Original poster
cheaperthantherapy · 27/09/2011 09:16

I guess there is a difference if opinion on this one - but have taken a breath and I will talk f2f and calmly and of course apologise (I'd already apologised to the other neighbour who we have met) .. Not yet met this women.

OP posts:
DooinMeCleanin · 27/09/2011 09:17

I doubt environmental health would be interested over a baby crying, it's not like dogs barking. Unless you think they'll give Op X amount of days to train or re-home her baby?

Babies cry. It's stressful for all. We used to have a crying baby next door to us. The babe cried literally all day and all night. I bought an air bed to sleep in the living room in the end. It never occurred to me to feel anything but sympathy for the poor mum and I would have never dreamt of adding to her stress by complaining or pointing out it was disturbing us.

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