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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that neighbour put letter through door at 5am complaining about dd crying..?

470 replies

cheaperthantherapy · 27/09/2011 09:03

i need some perspective I think... Am 12 weeks pg, so hormones contributing to irrational emotions -AIBU....

We moved to new house in July, semi detached in London. Poor dd, 14 mo, has been unsettled since move and has woken up average twice a night crying. I soothe and put her back down within 15 mins. The past week she's been teething and waking screaming 6 times a night. So I have get in with me to quickly calm and try teething gel.

Last night 5am our neighbour (mid 20s woman) put a letter through our door saying she is fed up with dd crying, she has gone to doc for medication, and asking if she needs to move to get sleep...

My reaction was to write a note back suggesting in an offended and grumpy tone that she clearly has more issues if she needs to see doc because of crying baby and recommended she buy earplugs (I attached a packet of ear plugs for her).

Dh didn't let me put the note in her door - but am still fuming... AIBU?

OP posts:
ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 27/09/2011 09:34

I have to say too that I agree waking 6 times in the night isn't normal at that age. Have you tried any sleep training methods, OP?

chandellina · 27/09/2011 09:35

i'd apologise, try to find a solution as others suggest, but ultimately you can only do what you can do so try not to stress every time your daughter cries. our new neighbours were jokingly complaining about the former owners' daughter - who is the same age as our son. I'm also pregnant so they know they are in for it. Of course I'll do whatever I can to avoid disrupting their sleep but I can't work miracles with party walls and crying children. Their day will come ... they don't have children yet but I'm sure it's on the cards.

quint - thanks on behalf of the OP for that advice! i'm sure everyone with two kids in a two-bed semi would love to be in a 3 or 4 bed - not always possible!! children can sleep in the same room, you know, and baby is likely to be in with parents for a while.

frasersmummy · 27/09/2011 09:36

I dont think you need to apologise for a baby crying i the night.. you say sorry when you have done something wrong .. not for living

playing loud music all night is very different... you have a choice when to play your music and what volume to set it at ... you dont have these choices with a baby.

I think your neighbour could have had a conversation with you.. I would just ignore her ranting via note...if she comes to see you then you cn have a conversation... till then ignore ignore ignore

dont apologise for living

chandellina · 27/09/2011 09:38

and what's all this about 6 times a night being so crazy to wake - the OP said it was only in the past week and it's usually only 2x a night. That doesn't sound so bizarre to me for a teething child. My 3 year old still wakes one or two times a night often and wants a cuddle or a wee.

Quintessentialist · 27/09/2011 09:38

There is nothing wrong with a 2 bed house.

BimboNo5 · 27/09/2011 09:38

Quintessential- that means two children in a bedroom, hardly overcramped! Not everyone can afford 3/4 bedroom houses you know!

GypsyMoth · 27/09/2011 09:39

So what's wrong with a familyIof 4 in a 2 bed house then??

TastyMuffins · 27/09/2011 09:39

I agree with the suggestions of trying to reduce the sound by moving things around. I had very noisy neighbours (babies and children) for years, one of the worst things the neighbours said was that I didn't understand because I didn't have children! No, they didn't understand because they didn't have noisy neighbours! Since having a child, I have still failed to understand their need to be so noisy. I never complained about the crying either. Our houses are very small and rearranging things can make a huge difference. Do you know which room your neighbour sleeps in? Is there a lot of furniture in your DD's room or is it quite empty so the sound travels. Are their carpets or rugs? These can help.

If you can, speak to your neighbour and tell her you will try to improve the situation and ask her to let you know if it hasn't improved. If you are able to be polite and civil, it will make it harder for her to complain.

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 27/09/2011 09:40

I too think it was an odd comment about a 2 bedroomed house being inadequate for a family with two children. Like BimboNo5 says, not everyone can afford a 3 or 4 bedoom house

CoffeeDog · 27/09/2011 09:40

We live in a semi converted into 4 flats we live at the bottom... moved in at 38 wks prg with twins... 2 days after we came home we visited the neighbours - the twins brought them a bottle of wine choclate and ear plugs each...
my good could ds2 scream no one ever complained mind you we were sooo lucky they started sleeping through from 6 weeks ;)

Quintessentialist · 27/09/2011 09:40

Nothing in general is wrong with a family of 4 in a too bed house. Unless space is restricted, like in the ops house. She just moved in there, expecting to live there with 2 children, and she says space is restricted. Seems a bit thoughtless to me.

ConstanceNoring · 27/09/2011 09:41

Yes babies do cry and yes teething is just rotten for them, but being unsettled for two months and waking up screaming six times a night for a week is not normal.

I agree with others, you need further help from your GP.

It is a good thing that DH wouldn't let you post back that note. Now you can introduce yourself, sympathise with her about the disturbed sleep, and chat with her about taking your DD to the GP. You will probably find she is sympathetic back and you'll have a new friend not an enemy.

Quintessentialist · 27/09/2011 09:41

two bed, not too bed.

BimboNo5 · 27/09/2011 09:41

This is one of lifes many issues in the real world though Quint...

Quintessentialist · 27/09/2011 09:42

For the record. My children share a room. But space is not restricted in any way.

Quintessentialist · 27/09/2011 09:42

Bimbo, I find it amusing how you constantly live up to your name!

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 09:44

A 2 bed semi in London is not really adequate housing for a family of four

Good God, I know a couple of families that would think they had died and gone to heaven if they were lucky enough to have a 2 bed house! I have one friend in particular that has 3 kids and they are in a 2 bed - it's huge!

With regards to the OP - do NOT get into a war with notes etc. Go round later on today , explain the situation and be very apologetic.

Is waking 6x a night the norm? It wasn't with my ds but that doesn't mean anything.........

BimboNo5 · 27/09/2011 09:44

Yeah thats clever- insult someones name! For the record it's not me with tunnel vision regarding everyone having the luxury to choose a house that suits them in every way shape and form Smile

bonkers20 · 27/09/2011 09:44

Are you leaving your baby to cry - for any time at all?

I just don't think you can do that night after night if the neighbours are being disturbed. You either need to co-sleep (or sleep in the same room as your DD so you can get to her quicker) or you need to find out why she is waking 6 times a night. If you treat teething with Calpol or the like then you should get a few hours of rest - not more screaming.

I live in a terrace and have had to be very aware of my (normal) vocal toddler who likes to sing very loudly when he wakes on a Sunday morning.

My neighbours should not just have to accept that they live next to a toddler.

These days, if I hear another child I roll over and thank heavens it's not mine, but before children it would really have wound me up.

Oh and to the person who questioned living in a 2 bed house....we are a family of 4 and while it's not ideal we certainly manage perfectly well with 2 bedrooms. Not everyone can live in a house as large as they'd like.

missorinoco · 27/09/2011 09:44

Ok, I would have been in tears too and done exactly what you have, luckily also with a DH like yours who would have stopped me. You have my upmost sympathy,you are pregnant, like you neighbour also sleep deprived and the noise is louder from where you are.

BUT - (you knew it was coming) a cross note won't help, it will only make things worse. She doesn't have small children, she has no idea what this is like, all she knows is she can't sleep because your baby is crying. The fact that she came round at five shows she must be pretty desperate.

I think it would be worth going round too. I would take a box of chocloates as an apology, explain why it is worse at the moment and say you have also bought some ear plugs if that would help for the time being. (The ear plugs you got are an inspired idea, OP.)

I know, this is probably the last thing you feel like doing, so after you have done it you need to meet up with a friend who has children to bemoan that you have had to do this when you are also exhausted. If you aren't too plagued by morning sickness you need a celenratory cake for rising above the occasion. Sadly you are a long way from me or I would get you one.

Good luck, whatever you do. Hope it gets better soon.

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 09:45

For the record. My children share a room. But space is not restricted in any way

Well aren't they lucky?!

GypsyMoth · 27/09/2011 09:45

Nothing wrong with Bimbos comments!Confused

KeepInMind · 27/09/2011 09:45

I have to say sleep deprivation is no fun and if the woman next door is losing sleep because of a crying baby that is not even her own baby you must understand why she is fed up, I am sure she will have to deal with enough of that when she gets her own children

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 27/09/2011 09:45

I initially came on to say YABU, but everyone else has said that.
Quintessentialist, you seem to be contradicting yourself and how is what Bimbo posts living up to her name?

BuckBuckMcFate · 27/09/2011 09:46

I feel a bit sorry for the op getting a flaming on here on top of note from the neighbour and a non sleeping baby.

I have one of those and 1st time he wakes I try to settle him, if he doesn't I take him downstairs with a blanket so he doesn't wake up both households (we're in a semi).

I get on really well with my neighbour though, we regularly apologise to each other for the noise that our DC make and lie through our teeth in response saying we haven't heard anything.

OP, go round and say sorry, you didn't realise how much this was impacting on her life and try the sleeping downstairs until it passes.

Also think it's a bit off to question why op has moved to a two bed house. Maybe that is all she can afford? Hmm

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