To be furious that neighbour put letter through door at 5am complaining about dd crying..?

[cheaperthantherapy]

i need some perspective I think... Am 12 weeks pg, so hormones contributing to irrational emotions -AIBU....

We moved to new house in July, semi detached in London. Poor dd, 14 mo, has been unsettled since move and has woken up average twice a night crying. I soothe and put her back down within 15 mins. The past week she's been teething and waking screaming 6 times a night. So I have get in with me to quickly calm and try teething gel.

Last night 5am our neighbour (mid 20s woman) put a letter through our door saying she is fed up with dd crying, she has gone to doc for medication, and asking if she needs to move to get sleep...

My reaction was to write a note back suggesting in an offended and grumpy tone that she clearly has more issues if she needs to see doc because of crying baby and recommended she buy earplugs (I attached a packet of ear plugs for her).

Dh didn't let me put the note in her door - but am still fuming... AIBU?

I live in a small, terraced, two bed house, with two children, three dogs and a cat. Space is restricted, but it's the best we can afford right now, so we will have to cope.

I'd not refuse an offer of financial help towards a bigger house, Quint, if you think it's so bad? Our house cost us £40k, we already owned part of it a 3 bed is around £100k, so if you have a spare £60k knocking about, pass it this way.

Quint- what is thoughtless about living in a 2 bedroom house? Presumably OP would have bought a bigger house if she could afford it.

As for those suggesting a trip to the GP...if a baby is teething badly then 6 times a night is not excessive. My GP would think I was nuts to bring a teething baby in. What would they do about it, apart from suggesting calpol?

OP- I would try to smooth the waters a bit and try moving your DD into another room until she settles.

YABTU - the poor Woman sounds desperate. You really need to apologise first and then come to some kind of agreement about how to deal with this awful situation.

Your DH was absolutely right to stop you putting that horrible note through to her - why on earth was that your first reaction?

I don't understand why you aren't giving calpol or something if she is in so much pain?
And 15 minutes? Don't you go to her straight away??

I am going to go against the general consensus here and say DONT apologise. I have never apologised for my crying children (crying through normal childhood stuff like teething night terrors etc)

My first went through a stage, as most kids do, of not sleeping and I spent 5 months going through every book on sleep training, controlled crying, shh pat method, you name it I tried it. At one point I was so stressed (my DH was working) I left my son in his cot to cry, whilst I cried in the other room. My downstairs neighbour never once complained, never even thought to apologise, it is part and parcel of having small children and she understood this.

I now live elsewhere and my neighbours across the road have one child who will scream the house down at all hours of the night.....I do not expect her to apologise, I accept this is what happens when you have children.

Music, barking dogs, very very loud televisions and my kids jumping from great heights in their bedrooms and banging against Walls etc......those I would apologise for.

I would ignore her and remember this teething stage wil pass. Plus I would like to add that it's not been 6 times a night for the past 6 months, it's been 6 times a night for a week.

^"A 2 bed semi in London is not really adequate housing for a family of four. Why on earth have you just moved into a 2 bed house with one child, and another on the way?

And yes, do apologise. She is probably also really worried about her future in her home, as you are unable to settle one child, and soon there will be another in this restricted space."^

Then maybe OP should use her crock of gold to move to her detatched farmhouse over rainbow with surrounded by two acres of adjoining farmland.

A 2 bedroom house is perfectly adequate for 2 adults, a toddler and a baby.

Saying: "as 'YOU' are unable to settle" is probably why she is so upset in the first place. Your baby cries and the world looks at you with judgeypants hooked over ears like you are the worst mother in the world because you can't stop your baby crying. IT IS WHAT THEY DO. Maybe the neighbour has some suggestions for keeping baby quiet? Duct tape perhaps?

That said, don't upset the neighbours, see if you can manipulate sleeping arrangements, apologise, see GP, get DH to take some shifts, but you are a bit stuck. If OP whips downstairs at the first opportunity with DC, DC is going to be thrilled and wake up every night for play time from now until 12 years old. You must be feeling haggard OP, preg+sleep deprived ouch. Though it feels like it, your neighbour doesn't assume that you are sleeping like a log whilst she is being kept awake. But it is your baby, not hers.

DS1 woke up frequently from around 9-18 months, up to hourly, stopped eventually,but yes, some tears needed to be shed for it to stop. DS2 is going to be a trauma as well, but at 4 months and co sleeping on the boob (WHAT HAVE I BECOME-SOBS), the only person in our house (indeed entire block of apartments) is ME! Honestly, will get beter OP, try not to let neighbours stress you more than you already are, once you explain, they may be a little more understanding?

Find out which room the neighbour sleeps in and take dd into another room.

I understand why you are upset, and I think with neighbours there has to be some give and take. If you don't want to be disturbed buy a detached in grounds. Otherwise get used to it.

That said, you need to get on with your neighbours for an easy life, so apologise, explain the problem and that you are doing your best.

No one wants to hear a crying baby and that includes a sleep deprived pregnant mum!

Because it is a pritty dim-headed assumption about me not having any idea of what issues there are in real life.

But this is sidetracking.

The issue is that the op has a screaming baby, and from what I can gather has so little space she cant find anywhere else to take the baby so it is not near the adjoining wall where possibly her neighbour sleeps. And that she has not so far spoken to the neighbour and apologized for the noise.

Saying: "as 'YOU' are unable to settle" is probably why she is so upset in the first place. Your baby cries and the world looks at you with judgeypants hooked over ears like you are the worst mother in the world because you can't stop your baby crying. IT IS WHAT THEY DO. Maybe the neighbour has some suggestions for keeping baby quiet? Duct tape perhaps?

Agree with bringmesunshine completely

I can symphise with your neighbour. When I was 22 I lived in a shared house in a student area, with a young mum and baby next door. The baby slept in the room adjacent o mine and I got woken several times a night for a couple of months, until she moved. To top it all she came round to see us to complain that music (not excessively loud) from our house was disturbing her baby when she was trying to get her to bed!!

I now live in a semi and feel guilty whe our 3 are noisy. My neighbours and I laugh about it and accept it is part of living in a semi but we do try to keep noise down.

I am just at the number of people on this thread taking the neighbours side! FFS, it's not as if the OP is MAKING her baby cry in the middle of the night--she's teething! Do none of you remember that stage??? Seriously, some perspective is needed!

OP, I would be inclined to write a snotty letter back too, but would restrain myself from actual delivery because it will not solve anything. Have a word with said stupid selfish neighbour and explain your DD is teething and there is nothing you can do. I wouldn't distrupt yours or your DD's sleep by moving downstairs, what a stupid thing to suggest! It's your house, you have a child, children cry. Even in the middle of the night. End of.

I can see this from both sides.
Go round with a bunch of flowers, apologise for the noise and ask her what suggestions she may have to make things easier for her.
We had a hellish time with our eldest and sleep but did apologise fairly regually for the disturbance he caused.
It's life, babies and young children cry but if you have some empathy to the other people being disturbed then in general they will be more accepting of the noise (that's my experience anyway)
I do feel for you op, good luck.

Has your neighbour never heard of ear plugs? You can't stop a baby from crying but she can just stick ear plugs in. She is exhausted, but you must be too - not the best starting point for a reasonable conversation, so put a note round for now.

Quint what a bizarre thing to say...

Ooh, some very pent up ladies and some very pathetic comments on this thread

OP, sounds like you're having a shit time, you must be exhausted both in your stage of pregnancy, and with the constant waking. I feel for you!

Also knowing what it's like living next door to a crying baby in my pre-baby days (who I obviously knew how I would handle whilst actually not having a clue), I think it's the curse of London life.

When I used to complain to friends about it, I was told "Well that's London living for you"... Conversely when I was heavily pregnant with a toddler and being woken by my neighbours' regular house parties that continued to 6am people said "That's London living for you!" and so I learnt to suck it up. (And plan to move).

Perhaps if you calmly go over to see the neighbour and explain that no-one understands her state of exhaustion like you do, and you're sorry for the noise etc,. she'll relax. Explain you'll make every effort but this is a transitional time and if you get your DD's sleep settled properly this time rather than taking short cuts to silence her and causing continuing problems, you neighbour would be happier in the long term?

Good luck.

Sometimes, when noise is out of your control, just knowing that someone is aware of it and trying to stop it e.g. crying baby, or that it will stop at a certain point e.g. loud party, is all that is needed to smooth the water.

A note through the neighbours' doors saying "we're having a party which will stop at midnight" is much better than you lying in bed at 11pm seething, not knowing whether it will stop soon or never.

Telling your neighbour that you really are trying to quieten the baby should help.

Yes invite her over for tea, of take some wine over to her.

YANBU to feel annoyed OP. Screaming baby. 12 weeks pregnant. I can imagine a passive agressive note from your neighbour (who never even introduced herself to you when you moved in) would be the straw that broke the camels back. Your DH did well to stop you from sending another note back but I cans ee why you would be tempted to send it sometimes we all get ranty over things that we have no control over.

A f2f chat would be the best thing. Explain your DD is not well atm and you are doing your best to pacify her. You didnt say whether you have given her any calpol/ibuprofen? I recommend them with teething sometimes the gel on its own is not enough.
Also my DD is currently going through alot of nighttime wakings (she's almost 2 so can be very loud when crying!) I find bringing her into bed with us calms her down and also has the benefit of, if she does wake again we can quickly see to her with minimum noise.

I hope the phase ends soon for you OP.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, but remember you are both totally sleep deprived and this is when things tempers can get lost and you both find it hard to be rational!! I would go and have a calm talk with her, you might find she is mortified about sending the note rather than talking to you face to face, but it does sound like she was at her wits end!! This can be solved by rational face to face talking, not posting letters back and forward. Maybe even try giving her the ear plugs as a light heated peace offering? Hope it works out :)

I can't believe the number of people on here who are saying that your neighbour is selfish. Selfish? She has been woken in the night for months and has only just put a letter through your door. Selfish would have been doing it the first night!
I can sympathise - my 16 month old is teething at the moment and last night she woke up (once though) and this morning I popped by my neighbour's house and said "Sorry, I hope DD didn't wake you last night, she is teething" and my neighbour said "Oh I may have vaguely heard something, but it's fine" - job done. If you'd just approached her sooner, it would have been fine you see.
Just go round and say sorry.

I feel quite sorry for the OP - I had one screamer (thankfully DS2 was a brilliant sleeper) and it was as much fun as root canal treatment. A truly miserable, sole shattering time and your neighbour has handled it very badly with her passive/aggressive note.

In saying that, though, I would go round to the neighbour with a bunch of flowers and some ear plugs. Apologize about the noise but re-assure her that you are trying your best and not just leaving your baby to cry. Take the moral high ground.

It will get better and eventually your baby will sleep properly.

A screaming baby is no fun, but the OP chose to have a baby, the poor woman next door did not choose to be constantly woken up by a screaming baby.
I thing the OP needs to re think the sleeping arrangements and move her baby as far away from the next door walls as she can

The neighbour posted the note, exhausted, at 5am.

I very much doubt she was thinking straight or acting in a way she might under normal circumstances. I wouldn't hold it against her tbh so YANBU to be "furious".

You know what it's like OP to be sleep deprived - I'd have thought it might enable you to feel a little empathy with the neighbour

Knock on her door, apologise, do all you can to minimise the disturbance and assure your neighbour that you will do this.