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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

STBX wanting more contact with Daughter

362 replies

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 10:52

Hi,

Thought I'd post here as well s the Divorce section, hopefully it's OK.

I have been separated from my H for just over 4 years and have just started divorce proceedings.

He moved out when we split and paid the mortgage and all the bills, along with the running costs for my car as I was at home with our then 18 month old daughter.

She is now nearly 6 and he has seen her on a weekday and on a Saturday every week since, they have been on holiday together, so there have been times when she has spent a week with him. They have a great relationship and to be fair he is a very good dad and she loves her time with him.

We have always got on very well, and many times we did family things at the weekend when he came to see our daughter (i am still in the FMH), we also continued to sleep together up until the beginning of last year when it became obvious we weren't going to reconcile, thing have been a bit frosty since but got slowly better and we started having family days out again (tho not sleeping together), that was up until this May.

He is now asking for more contact with our daughter and is asking for overnight stays, one during the week so he can pick her up from school and drop her off the next morning, and overnights at the weekends, he has said he would like 3 overnight stays a week so he can spend more time with her, possibly 4 the next, amount to equal care. I have said he can't have this but I have offered him 1 overnight every other weekend, with the usual midweek after school and weekend daytime in between. I also told him I won't discuss it any further and that he needs to speak to my solicitor.

Do you think he has any realistic chance of this, as I've told him we'll have to go to court as I won't agree it?

Thanks

B

OP posts:
SarahBumBarer · 12/09/2011 15:50

You don't have to pull the whole thread, you can just have your post deleted and re-print it with your DD's name editede out.

SGB - Even if he was having an affair, you don't use acces to your kids to make yourself feel better so what relevance is that speculation?

And TBH lots and lots of divorces combined with access disputes drive people to the point of feeling the need to tape phone calls.

OP - you need to be careful though. No matter how upset your DD if your ex tells you not to go into her home, it can easily be construed as aggressive, the fact that you just ride rough-shod over that.

MrSpoc · 12/09/2011 15:50

no need to get it removed. Not sure why it was adviced.

If you cannot afford it. Just pay the minimum to Ex Wife then spend the rest on you and your daughter.

Yes it is only one side of the story we have heard but thats the same for everything else on here.

Good luck

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 15:51

I'd like it removed as my daughters name is in it.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 12/09/2011 15:53

well my sone names are Jacob & Ethan. Still dont get why it needs to be pulled. A name is a name. Unless you want to post address, DOB etc

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 15:53

"OP - you need to be careful though. No matter how upset your DD if your ex tells you not to go into her home, it can easily be construed as aggressive, the fact that you just ride rough-shod over that."

I don't go into the home, apart from those 2 recent occasions and on the days I see DD.

Up unti recently ExW had no problem with me 'turning up' for tea, playtime with DD

OP posts:
SarahBumBarer · 12/09/2011 15:55

I'm just saying be careful. Your relationship no longer appears to be the cordial one it used to be and that requires a different approach from you too, for your own sake.

Finallygotaroundtoit · 12/09/2011 15:57

YANBU for wanting more contact with your DD

YABU for;
letting yourself into your ex's home to wait (why do you have keys?),
recording conversations,
'insisting' on speaking to ex when she clearly doesn't want to speak to you

wannaBe · 12/09/2011 15:57

so -

When op was posting as the xw she was rightly told that she was bu to use her child as a pawn in her divorce, however now that op has revealed himself as the ex suddenly he's in the wrong? and suddenly the ex must have had good reasons etc etc? Hmm

op yanbu.

I despise women who use their children to get at their ex's.

I would take her to court, and the courts will almost certainly allow the access you are proposing.

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 15:59

Appreciated Sarah, it's a shame, but things move on.

In hindsight I should have posted the OP as a 'hypothetical' scenario, asking for replies as if it were real, because it doesn't really matter whether people believe it to be true or not, as long as the replies are a genuine response to it.

Then all it needs is for me to know it is true to gauge others opinions.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 12/09/2011 16:01

I agree. Go to court and stop paying over the odds to her, especially if you cannot afford to. Also why give her 75% of the house?

If she cannot be reasonable then just do things fairly. You need to look after yourself in order to look after your daughter.

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 16:02

"YABU for;
letting yourself into your ex's home to wait (why do you have keys?),
recording conversations,
'insisting' on speaking to ex when she clearly doesn't want to speak to you"

I have always had keys, it is till our house, and ExW has had no problem with it until the last 2 weeks.

I gave my reason for recording it.

I asked her if I could speak to her, she said no, so I didn't, I spoke to her the next day, which she had agreed on.

OP posts:
Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 16:04

"Also why give her 75% of the house?"

Because this is the % that we each brought in, unfortunately her father passed away, before we met, and she had her own house before, which we sold to buy this one, I have never wanted, nor do I still want to 'stitch' her up, as I don't think it's fair, although I'm beginning to wonder what's the point trying to be fair.

OP posts:
ConstanceNoring · 12/09/2011 16:05

I agree with Sarah, the tide is turning and you may need to approach her differently. DH's exW tried to have him arrested when he was getting his belongings from his shed at the FMH. He had asked her for the items, she said come and get them they're in the shed, pretended not to be in when he arrived and phoned the police as she was 'alone in the house and afraid what he would do'. She set him up.

He was still paying the mortgage too.

I'm not saying you're STBX is capable of stuff like this but I would just proceed with caution.

MrSpoc · 12/09/2011 16:07

Op - Why didnt you mention that before. Then the 75% bit is irrelivant or you could both then take the money you both put into the house then split the profit 50/50 then that is fair.

You could be a twat and just take 50% anyway cause that is what legally you are entitled to.

MrSpoc · 12/09/2011 16:08

ConstanceNoring - your not my wife are you???

ConstanceNoring · 12/09/2011 16:11

Grin MrSpoc

is that you, love? Shock

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 16:11

To be fair, I'm sure I didn't say anywhere that I was 'giving' her anything, just stating the split.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 12/09/2011 16:11

Seriously I had something similar happen to me. Grin

MrSpoc · 12/09/2011 16:12

it was the way you wrote it and you knew what you were writting.

ConstanceNoring · 12/09/2011 16:12

There's a lot of crazy ex-wives it about..

Moominsarescary · 12/09/2011 16:13

I would sort out maintenance through the csa and go to court to agree access

booyhoo · 12/09/2011 16:23

OP i understand why you posted as you did and i wont be flaming you for it.i get it. it can be hard to get impartial opinions amongst people that know you both.

i also believe what you have posted whilst accepting that there are always 3 sides to every story.

i think it is very clear that your STBX has gotten fed up of being super nice (it can be very hard to maintain when there are hurt feelings involved) relationships evolve constantly, even though you are separated, you still have a form of relationship with each other and it seems now you ex is trying to put bit more space (emotionally) between you than there has been up til this point. perhaps she feels she needs to draw a line under your relationship ad moveon and this is her preparing to dstance herself from you. i dontknow i can only guess.

anyway, regardless of the cause, the factof the matter is that your DD is entitled to anequal relationship with both her parents. your EX has made her position clear and told you what you will needto do to enable your DD's cntact with yourself. myadvice is to goto your solicitor and ge it srted as quickly (andtherefore cheaply) aspossible. hopefully your EX's solicitor iswise enough toadvise her to agree to your request (or to negotiate something very similar) because going to court willonly achieve the same goal, just at higher price.

good luck with this.i only wish my children's father wanted to spend time with them like a real parent.

YaMaYaMa · 12/09/2011 16:25

Pretending to be your exwife posting and making yourself sound all reasonable while actually painting your exwife as selfish and cruel just makes you creepy and weird.

I havent read the rest of the posts as I assume you're as creepy and manipulative in real life, but a quick scan shows me something about you letting yourself into the former marital home and recording conversations. I am not remotely surprised.

YABU and creepy. But I'm sure it's not the first time you've been told that.

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 16:31

I don't have a problem with that YaMa, as I said, I know what is written is true, so therefore the responses to it are relevant, if only for me personally.

And no, you are the first person to tell me that.

I don't see it as painting a picture, more taking a photo.

OP posts:
YaMaYaMa · 12/09/2011 16:33

Would that be taking a photo covertly, without the subjects knowledge, and then posting it on an internet forum? Biscuit

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