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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

STBX wanting more contact with Daughter

362 replies

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 10:52

Hi,

Thought I'd post here as well s the Divorce section, hopefully it's OK.

I have been separated from my H for just over 4 years and have just started divorce proceedings.

He moved out when we split and paid the mortgage and all the bills, along with the running costs for my car as I was at home with our then 18 month old daughter.

She is now nearly 6 and he has seen her on a weekday and on a Saturday every week since, they have been on holiday together, so there have been times when she has spent a week with him. They have a great relationship and to be fair he is a very good dad and she loves her time with him.

We have always got on very well, and many times we did family things at the weekend when he came to see our daughter (i am still in the FMH), we also continued to sleep together up until the beginning of last year when it became obvious we weren't going to reconcile, thing have been a bit frosty since but got slowly better and we started having family days out again (tho not sleeping together), that was up until this May.

He is now asking for more contact with our daughter and is asking for overnight stays, one during the week so he can pick her up from school and drop her off the next morning, and overnights at the weekends, he has said he would like 3 overnight stays a week so he can spend more time with her, possibly 4 the next, amount to equal care. I have said he can't have this but I have offered him 1 overnight every other weekend, with the usual midweek after school and weekend daytime in between. I also told him I won't discuss it any further and that he needs to speak to my solicitor.

Do you think he has any realistic chance of this, as I've told him we'll have to go to court as I won't agree it?

Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 16:35

I appreciate your responses YaMa, because it's actually very nice of you, you see, if what I have said is true, then you agree that she is selfish and cruel, I take heart from your observation.

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 12/09/2011 16:38

this is a serious issue and you are wasting tme on here and being very duplicitious to

get a solicitor and get this sorted and I am sure you will get more/better acess

OR send her documents shwoing what the law is and see a mediator

YaMaYaMa · 12/09/2011 16:40

Well, yes, I'm sure someone like you would. But I doubt very much that the holier than though 'photo' that you provided us with of your own behaviour is accurate. You couldnt even start a thread on here honestly without being maniplulative and the odd things you've admitted (without any apparent self awareness of how odd they are, like your little transcript up there) says much more about you than I think you know.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll carry on for some time. Enjoy!

MrSpoc · 12/09/2011 16:41

I dont think recording a phone call is immoral at all. In fact I think its a good idea in order to protect yourself (thats if things have got that bed) and there is nothing wrong with quoting parts of it for your referance.

I do see YaMa point though as your messages are now comming across diferantly and that your on a high horse and can do no wrong.

Yes its your MH but she lives there now and should not expect to find you walsing in willy nilly. She needs to feel safe there.

clam · 12/09/2011 16:43

She's suggested you see a solicitor (no doubt not realising that you have a good case for more contact). So, do it. Keep contact on a more distant basis, try to keep it cordial. That's your best chance of success in getting what you want.

MrSpoc · 12/09/2011 16:44

So Op what are you going to do now?

clam · 12/09/2011 16:45

Am I the only one wondering it YaMaYaMa is actually the exW, who's discovered this thread?

Finallygotaroundtoit · 12/09/2011 16:48

The point about your former house now being her home has escaped you.Hasn't it?

You can't intrude on her privacy like that.
Does she have access to your home? How would you feel about coming back and unexpectedly finding her waiting?

Oh and YABU ( or rather were BU) for sleeping together. Whose idea was that?
Your original op didn't sound right to me for that reason. Did your ex realise she was an ex at the time?

Original poster

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 16:50

TBH, I hope YAMAYAMA is my ExW, because she will know what is true, and would have read the responses, I may even email her the link to it.

What am I going to do? No idea, I want to see more of my daughter, I have my first overnight this weekend, so I'm looking forward to that, as I know DD is.

If I had the money I would see a solicitor, I don't, as I said, I will reply myself to her sols letter in due course, in the meantime I am trying to learn as much as I can which will allow my DD and I to spend more time together.

OP posts:

Skippyboo · 12/09/2011 16:51

Wow!

When "he" was female everyone supported the husband, even said what an all round reasonable and generous bloke he must be.

Now it is known that he is, in fact, the husband, the claws are coming out and the bitchiness setting in.

Quite revealing...

YaMaYaMa · 12/09/2011 16:51

Clam fuck no, I cant imagine anything worse than being involved with someone like this!

Would be good Mn fooder though!

YaMaYaMa · 12/09/2011 16:52

or fodder even.

Original poster

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 16:53

I fully respect her privacy, I have explained this already.

It was mutual, we had agreed to try to reconcile and were taking it slowly, I had previously moved back in to try and make a go of it, but it was a bit too soon for the both of us.

OP posts:

MrSpoc · 12/09/2011 16:54

Skippyboo everyone is still agreeing with him but not agreeing with some of his responses.

Op if you cannot afford a solicitor then stop giving her loads of money. You need to look after yourself now.

Pay her the minimum then go and see a solicitor. It is not that expeneive to see a fimily solicitor and if what you say is true then there is nothing to worry about.

YaMaYaMa · 12/09/2011 16:54

Skippy, I think it was pretty obvious it was the ex pretending to be the woman. How often do you see AIBU threads that go 'My ex is an absolute sodding marvel and utterly perfect, but I want to make his life difficult for absolutely no reason. AIBU?'

it's nothing to do with male/female and everything to do with people trying to manipulate everyone into saying what they want to hear..

porcamiseria · 12/09/2011 16:54

SKIPPY, REALLY? i just said get off here and do something PROPER about sorting it out!

Original poster

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 16:57

I will do something about it, I am doing something about it.

YAMA, you still continue to agree with the original responses before I 'came out', assuming what was said was true.

OP posts:

StrandedBear · 12/09/2011 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YaMaYaMa · 12/09/2011 17:01

I dont assume for a minute that what you said was true. What's interesting is that seem to want me to give in and agree with you, when I think I've been quite upfront about the fact that I think you're a whiney, manipulative bullshitter who wont take anything on board

Original poster

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 17:03

YaMa, you are welcome to come for coffee, I can show you the letter, you can hear what was said and I can show you that I had in fact let my ExW know in advance that I would pop round on that Monday to see DD.

You can also better assess my character and post your opinions then, any day and time is good for me, except Tuesdays and Saturdays.

OP posts:

ConstanceNoring · 12/09/2011 17:07

If you have nothing helpful to say to the op why keep coming back to poke a stick at him? Or are you persisting because you want him to say ' ok yam you're right I'm an arse' ffs

Original poster

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 17:08

Never argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

OP posts:

ConstanceNoring · 12/09/2011 17:13

I like you OP, you're cool.

(I can't call you btsmummy, you need a new nickname)

Original poster

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 17:16

Thanks Constance,

Well YaMa has christened me with a new nickname, so you may as well call me that-Billy.

OP posts:

Original poster

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 17:20

In all seriousness the point of the thread was outlined in the first post, I have never pretended to be perfect, and it's difficult to always do what perhaps you should in the face of adversity, in this case losing out on what I consider to be valuable and precious time with my DD. I know I can't come and go as I please, and as a rule I don't, there were of course exceptions, I also haven't said anything to her about her decision regarding the house.

The main point is the contact, and I thank all for the responses to it, in hindsight I'd have left it as was and not 'come out' in the hope that my ExW stumbled across it.

OP posts:

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