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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

STBX wanting more contact with Daughter

362 replies

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 10:52

Hi,

Thought I'd post here as well s the Divorce section, hopefully it's OK.

I have been separated from my H for just over 4 years and have just started divorce proceedings.

He moved out when we split and paid the mortgage and all the bills, along with the running costs for my car as I was at home with our then 18 month old daughter.

She is now nearly 6 and he has seen her on a weekday and on a Saturday every week since, they have been on holiday together, so there have been times when she has spent a week with him. They have a great relationship and to be fair he is a very good dad and she loves her time with him.

We have always got on very well, and many times we did family things at the weekend when he came to see our daughter (i am still in the FMH), we also continued to sleep together up until the beginning of last year when it became obvious we weren't going to reconcile, thing have been a bit frosty since but got slowly better and we started having family days out again (tho not sleeping together), that was up until this May.

He is now asking for more contact with our daughter and is asking for overnight stays, one during the week so he can pick her up from school and drop her off the next morning, and overnights at the weekends, he has said he would like 3 overnight stays a week so he can spend more time with her, possibly 4 the next, amount to equal care. I have said he can't have this but I have offered him 1 overnight every other weekend, with the usual midweek after school and weekend daytime in between. I also told him I won't discuss it any further and that he needs to speak to my solicitor.

Do you think he has any realistic chance of this, as I've told him we'll have to go to court as I won't agree it?

Thanks

B

OP posts:
Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 11:38

Thanks for your replies.

MsC-"Are you angry that now the sex has stopped you know there is no going back?" Not at all.

My reasoning is that this is her home and I don't think it's good for her to be going back and forth, also during the school holidays when he had her he didn't bring her back until 9pm sometimes.

He hasn't asked for every weekend, he has asked for every other Friday from school-Sunday pm, Tuesday from school overnight, dropping her at school weds morning every week, with another 2 or 3 overnights in the week he doesn't have the weekend.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 12/09/2011 11:40

Well he will get it then!

You will get laughed out of court with those wishy washy 'reasons'

Runoutofideas · 12/09/2011 11:40

I have a lot of sympathy for you actually. It's all very well to say the father deserves shared care, but in this family this has not been the case for the past 4 years and to change arrangements so dramatically can come as a huge shock for those involved. It sounds almost as though he's left the OP to deal with the tough toddler stuff by herself, apart from a few family outings, but now the child is older, and probably easier to parent, he wants to step in and reap the rewards. I'd be angry too!
It is easy to say that the child deserves more time with her father, and yes, this is true, but only if it is not unsettling or upsetting for her. She's presumably not used to being away from her mother for much time and she may find the changes very stressful.
As a child of divorced parents I would have hated 50/50 shared care. I knew that "home" was my mum's house and we went to dad's every other weekend. Children need stability and routine. On a practical level, because of work (and his organisational skills!) my dad wouldn't have been available to pick us up from school and do all the after school activities, have friends to play, take me to gym/ballet/football/whatever so we would have missed out on all the "normal" stuff to spend time with him, which I don't think would have been right.
It is tough to find that you are the one who up til now has made all the decisions on behalf of your daughter but that actually he has the power to completely change your routine. You may discover that if you give him as much time as he wants with her that he finds it actually doesn't work well for him and she's back with you more often.... Hope it works out for you.

GypsyMoth · 12/09/2011 11:40

9pm in the school HOLIDAYS Shock

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 12/09/2011 11:44

9pm in the school holidays for a six year old is perfectly reasonable. As is having two homes. It's not as if he's a stranger who's just swanned in; he's had regular contact throughout, and in fact there have been family outings and presumably she's seen him being around in the mornings (if you were sleeping together) until last year.

Honestly. YABVVVVVU. I wish my Dad had wanted to see me anywhere near as often instead of acting like every second weekend was a huge imposition on him.

StrandedBear · 12/09/2011 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntiePickleBottom · 12/09/2011 11:50

it sounds reasonable in what he is asking.

MrGin · 12/09/2011 12:02

OP, from reading this and your other thread, your XH is being very, very supportive of you and your daughter.

If you stubbornly stick to your guns and it goes to court you will very likely destroy any good will between the two of you.

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/09/2011 12:05

YABVU, shes not your possession that you can control. The court is likely to grant him his request and you will be labelled as unreasonable. I'm 100% sure if the circumstances were reversed you would be asking for more contact and wouldnt be happy with the current situation.

MrSpoc · 12/09/2011 12:05

I get it know.

You are Rachel and Ross of Friends. "we weren't going to reconcile" is this were you cannot agree if you were on a break or not?

Apart from that your out of order and also Runoutofideas this doesnt sound anything like the situation you went through.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/09/2011 12:06

Why do you not wish to agree to this OP? There are lots of possibilities why not, so I can't really comment on whether YABU without knowing why you do not wish to do this.

FigsAndWine · 12/09/2011 12:09

YABVVVU and really foolish to risk destroying the good relationship and arrangements between you by threatening solicitors and court. I've been on good terms with my exDP and bad terms (throughout which we never let it affect DD or exDP's access to her) and believe me - good terms is a whole lot better. Why on earth would you ruin things by denying him a completely reasonable request to spend more time with his child??

You really need to take on board what you're being told on these threads. I suggest you apologise to your ex for threatening court, explain your worries and emotions over increasing access, and start talking to him. He sounds reasonable, be reasonable back!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/09/2011 12:10

What are your objections, OP?

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 12:12

"What are your objections, OP?"

I have told him that this is her home and I am the one with responsibility and IMO the change will not be good for our daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 12:14

We were together until she was 18 months, he did his fair share of parenting, nappies, feeds, bedtimes etc.

After he left things were flexible, he had her for the 2 days as above, but would come round as and when, building snowmen when it snowed etc.

As for maintenance, he pays the mortgage still, so that is our current arrangement, when we discussed the house we both agreed to sell it, me getting 75 % of the equity, (approx 100k), he also offered a sum for maintenance far in excess of what the CSA would calculate, to help me with my figures for getting another house. Our FMH is 4 bedrooms.

The house was on the market for about 2 months and viewings had picked up.

When I went to see my solicitor he advised me to take it off the market, so that's what I have done.

I am back at work now.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 12/09/2011 12:15

You are being very selfish.

Personally, I believe children can happily have two homes, although I think for stability and continuity they do need one main residence.

Every other weekend for the whole weekend is fine along with one overnight in the week and a daytime visit on the weekends he doesn't see her. But I wouldn't like true 50/50 care for my children.

Your dd will benefit from a close relationship with both of her parents. I don't know why you have a problem with her being brought back late in the hoildays.

Do you have things going on in your life other than your dd? I'm wondering if you are so againstthis because you are worried what you will do with yourself in the time your dd is with her Dad.

worraliberty · 12/09/2011 12:16

You don't own her you know.

You're trying to play God with her life because you've decided the change won't be good for her.

Why is that exactly? Plenty of couples have 50/50 care of their children and the children often thrive on it.

AuntiePickleBottom · 12/09/2011 12:17

has she got any SN that the change will effect her, as she will have alot of changes in her lifetime...like new class at school, new rules, new friends.

it is ridiculas to base contact on the fact she may not like the change.

you can do it slowly, like start with 1 night then increase it over time.

o/t but what would happen if you needed to stay a night in hospital, your DD would have to stay somewhere else......so how would your dd cope then

booyhoo · 12/09/2011 12:17

why ould the change not be good? more time with a father who wants to see hr and has been present throughout her life?

you haven't given any indcations that he is a riskto her or poisonous against youor harmful to hr in any way.

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/09/2011 12:18

So he was always hands on, is being over generous financially when he doesnt have to yet you deny him more time with his child? He wont continue to be amicable if you fight him on this im sure.

His home is also your daughters home and as her PARENt he is 50% responsible for her as are you. One parent is not more important than the other.

Your daughter will not forgive you when shes older when she realised you used her in this way and stopped her having extra time with her dad.

GypsyMoth · 12/09/2011 12:19

Having been through court system and having been on forums fir specifically this reason, contact, I can promise you he WILL get what he is asking for

Remember, the children's act is there for your daughter, not you or the ex. She will get equal time with mum/dad.... The 'this is her hone' is a load of crap

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 12/09/2011 12:20

OP, do you understand that this isn't actually a choice between allowing his request and keeping the status quo? It's a choice between allowing his request (or at least coming close) or ending up in a battle for custody, soured relations between the two of you, no more impromptu snowmen-building visits, probably a rethink of the maintenance situation and certainly no family outings? Because while he sounds like a great guy, I can't imagine he'll want to be around you very much after you've dragged him through the courts on the grounds that you are somehow more of a parent than he is.

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 12:21

"you haven't given any indcations that he is a riskto her or poisonous against youor harmful to hr in any way."

He is no risk to her at all, and he hasn't been 'poisonous' towards me, apart from a few spats we've had, but nothing major, no violence or anything like that.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 12/09/2011 12:24

Op.....do you honestly think he is being unreasonable here?

ivykaty44 · 12/09/2011 12:24

From the information you have given OP you have a daughter with a father who wants to provide fro her, he wants to provide a roof over her head, and spent precious time with her. This types of NRP are worth their weight in gold.

Change is good for dc and they usually lap it up if it is done in a supportive and loving way, best way to prepare her for life as an adult change is part of life as it never stays the same

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