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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

STBX wanting more contact with Daughter

362 replies

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 10:52

Hi,

Thought I'd post here as well s the Divorce section, hopefully it's OK.

I have been separated from my H for just over 4 years and have just started divorce proceedings.

He moved out when we split and paid the mortgage and all the bills, along with the running costs for my car as I was at home with our then 18 month old daughter.

She is now nearly 6 and he has seen her on a weekday and on a Saturday every week since, they have been on holiday together, so there have been times when she has spent a week with him. They have a great relationship and to be fair he is a very good dad and she loves her time with him.

We have always got on very well, and many times we did family things at the weekend when he came to see our daughter (i am still in the FMH), we also continued to sleep together up until the beginning of last year when it became obvious we weren't going to reconcile, thing have been a bit frosty since but got slowly better and we started having family days out again (tho not sleeping together), that was up until this May.

He is now asking for more contact with our daughter and is asking for overnight stays, one during the week so he can pick her up from school and drop her off the next morning, and overnights at the weekends, he has said he would like 3 overnight stays a week so he can spend more time with her, possibly 4 the next, amount to equal care. I have said he can't have this but I have offered him 1 overnight every other weekend, with the usual midweek after school and weekend daytime in between. I also told him I won't discuss it any further and that he needs to speak to my solicitor.

Do you think he has any realistic chance of this, as I've told him we'll have to go to court as I won't agree it?

Thanks

B

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 12/09/2011 12:53

I very much hope you are taking on board what everyone is saying as what your ex is asking is completely reasonable.

I also think that you should not have taken your house off the market as your solicitor has advised you to be adversarial. This does not seem to be necessary as you have a 4 bedroom house, that you had previously agreed to sell and that you will walk away with 100k as per your agreement.

That seems plenty to be able to afford somewhere that is better suited to your needs.

You don't need a four bed house and you have already agreed that you will get 75% equity.

Your ex is being perfectly fair - you don't seem to be.

MrSpoc · 12/09/2011 12:55

Moominsarescary - because of the bla-ze way the op has wrote her responses. It leaves two options.

The first will be Ex Hubby writting it (I would like to think this is the actualy case)
Or the Op is real (in which case she sounds like a money grabbing, tight arsed, ME ME ME selfish wench).

I would like to belive the Opis the Ex.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 12/09/2011 13:02

Because some people obviously think it's impossible for a woman to be THAT selfish.

Believe me, it isn't.

Think my ex sil trumps them all tho, my bro bought her a house so his dd would be settled, costing her around 40k more than it should.

He accepted her taking his dd 300 miles away and living in the house with the bloke she was stabbing off the Internet.

He used to pay her petrol costs so she could meet him half way for pick up / drop off. She had a major hissy fit when he stopped as couldn't afford it anymore and tried to make him do the full round trip or not see her at all.

He pays for half of all school trips, pays for half of her uniform, gives her spending money for holidays and buys her clothes. On top of that he of course pays maintenance.

The cheeky cuntbucket was on the phone a while ago demanding yet more money, basically because she's up the duff via internet guy and they're struggling. God knows how, I wish we had no housing costs ffs.

Bro handled it rather well, I was proud of him when he responded with an i'll pay my way with dd, but if you think I'm paying for another mans kid as well as putting a roof over his head you can think again !

mayorquimby · 12/09/2011 13:02

Dig your heels in. Hopefully this will result in him no longer being so accomodating and dropping his maintenance to CSA levels and going for a 50% equity in the divorce courts.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 12/09/2011 13:04

Yes I was wondering if this was the ex as well, especially given the focus on the money. But if it is, he's done well to play down how evil the wife is. I mean usually in this circumstance we get "he has been a loving and involved father even though I have had BOYFRIENDS and sometimes DRUNK WINE LIKE A HUSSY".

Either way, you need to talk to your solicitor to get an accurate idea of what will happen at court, and to your actual friends as your actual self if you want reassurance that you are in the moral right.

GypsyMoth · 12/09/2011 13:07

Op...... Have you thought about Christmas arrangements yet?

MrSpoc · 12/09/2011 13:09

I would assume that if the Op gets to have her child 99% of the time then its only fair the Ex has his child for the full Christmas period Grin

Sidge · 12/09/2011 13:16

You're going to shoot yourself in the foot you know.

Because your ex, who is being extremely reasonable, is going to get tired of your games, and fed up with your ridiculous excuses and demands, and will start doing EVERYTHING through the solicitors as you have advised him to do.

And you'll end up with a whole lot less than you have now.

Less house or money for a house.

Less maintenance as the CSA will decide.

Less time with your child as contact will be court decided and they may well go for 50-50 seeing as he's such a good dad.

tummytickler · 12/09/2011 13:44

I can't imagine how awful it must be to be desperate to see your child, and having someone prevent me from doing so. The thought of being kept apart from my children is awful.
Have you even thought about what it must feel like for your ex?
Hope he takes you to court and wins.

GypsyMoth · 12/09/2011 13:46

Do you have the money for court op?

LDNmummy · 12/09/2011 13:57

Sorry but I don't believe this thread is real.

If it is, stop using your child as a weapon.

SarahBumBarer · 12/09/2011 14:58

If this is a reverse AIBU then there has to be more to it. Most solicitors don't just advise their clients to behave as unreasonably as you are suggesting OP.

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 15:24

Despite reading it over I have put my daughters name in it, can I edit it out?

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 12/09/2011 15:24

OP I'm sure you are genuine and I have every sympathy with your plight, but if I were your exW, I would not be AT ALL impressed that you had transcribed a (possibly covertly) recorded conversation about my DD on a public forum

I think you should get this thread pulled as it may make you look bad in any legal procedings

Truckrelented · 12/09/2011 15:28

What you'll get is a lot of:

"we are only hearing one side of the story"

Which is what you get on every thread on MN.

CurrySpice · 12/09/2011 15:30

No, you can't edit here. Get it pulled would be my advice

I'm not sure what you've posted helps your cause here tbh

Some of it (like the recording) makes you look a bit OTT, most of the other stuff is a bit he said, she said iykwim

Cut your losses and ask MNHQ to pull it

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 15:39

I have asked for it to be removed due to my daughter being named in it.

OP posts:
clam · 12/09/2011 15:41

But before you do, take comfort from the fact that the vast majority of people on here thought that your ex was being unreasonable - and that you actually "posing" as her on the thread is irrelevant I think.
Maybe ask for that single long post just now is deleted and repost minus your DD's name and the specific verbatim phone conversation? The fact that you recorded her, presumably without her knowledge, doesn't look good.

CurrySpice · 12/09/2011 15:41

I think her name is the least of your worries tbh but yes, good idea

solidgoldbrass · 12/09/2011 15:42

Why did your marriage break up in the first place? (I have read whole thread so aware that OP is in fact the Saintly Father as opposed to the Selfish Cow).
I just wonder if your XW's behaviour might be down to you either being insufferably self-righteous and forever telling her that you are a better person/parent than she is, or if the marriage ended because you were having an affair and she is still angry and hurt about that.

clam · 12/09/2011 15:44

Oh here we go. Now we know it's a man posting, he is the unreasonable one. The father's position was not unreasonable before. Hmm

ConstanceNoring · 12/09/2011 15:45

The recording may make you look OTT but I can understand your want/need to do it - I have done the same in a similar situation and I'm fairly securely hinged .

I agree, ask for the thread to be pulled. Copy it first and take from it what you can though - you have had many responses about 'your' situation - whichever side you look at it from and I don't doubt you have been honest.

There's nothing to stop you reposting something as 'you' (as long as you can be sure your STBX is about Wink ) - I think Truck is right though, you may well get a lot of that ^^ but hopefully some helpful and reassuring responses too.

CurrySpice · 12/09/2011 15:46

solidgoldbrass there are hundreds of reasons why a marrieage might break up - why have you assumed it was one of those two?

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 15:47

I don't pretend to be saintly, nor do I pretend she is selfish, we all make mistakes, as I said, all of what I have said is true, I am not worried by anything they may 'do' to me as a result of what I posted, it is the truth, and the ONLY reason I'm doing it is to see more of my daughter.

And no, I didn't have an affair, things just weren't working out.

OP posts:
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