STBX wanting more contact with Daughter

[btsmummy]

Hi,

Thought I'd post here as well s the Divorce section, hopefully it's OK.

I have been separated from my H for just over 4 years and have just started divorce proceedings.

He moved out when we split and paid the mortgage and all the bills, along with the running costs for my car as I was at home with our then 18 month old daughter.

She is now nearly 6 and he has seen her on a weekday and on a Saturday every week since, they have been on holiday together, so there have been times when she has spent a week with him. They have a great relationship and to be fair he is a very good dad and she loves her time with him.

We have always got on very well, and many times we did family things at the weekend when he came to see our daughter (i am still in the FMH), we also continued to sleep together up until the beginning of last year when it became obvious we weren't going to reconcile, thing have been a bit frosty since but got slowly better and we started having family days out again (tho not sleeping together), that was up until this May.

He is now asking for more contact with our daughter and is asking for overnight stays, one during the week so he can pick her up from school and drop her off the next morning, and overnights at the weekends, he has said he would like 3 overnight stays a week so he can spend more time with her, possibly 4 the next, amount to equal care. I have said he can't have this but I have offered him 1 overnight every other weekend, with the usual midweek after school and weekend daytime in between. I also told him I won't discuss it any further and that he needs to speak to my solicitor.

Do you think he has any realistic chance of this, as I've told him we'll have to go to court as I won't agree it?

Thanks

B

I don't understand your reasoning at all. How will it "not be good for her"?

How can it possibly not be good for her to have more time with someone who sounds like a hands-on, generous, sensible father? How can it possibly not be good for her to know that her father's house is also her home? How can it not be good for her to have two parents with an amicable relationship, both working together for her benefit?

The courts will treat you like a time-waster if you drag this through the legal channels, and they will almost certainly assume that you have got the hump because you now know that the relationship is over for good. You will not come out of this well in any way, shape or form.

Hang on. Is this a reverse AIBU? Are you actually the father in this scenario sounding out the mainly female opinions of MN?

OP then please explain why the change will have a negative impact onyour daughter?

i think you are getting a hard time over this OP.

I do see why in some areas though.

WRT the comment about bringing a 6yo back at 9pm over school holidays and it being OK. 9pm to go up to bed on holiday is fine, but bringing her back to her home at 9pm means that she won't be in bed until at least 10pm, there is no time at all for OP and DD to chat about her stay away etc. 9pm drop off is IMHO too late, it'd be better for DD and OP if it were earlier. Especially as her father IS having regular and planned visits/contact.

As the others here say btsmummy if you object to this and it went to court, you would most likely LOSE. So it's in your best interests to reach an amicable agreement.

I think you need to say that you are happy to increase the amount time he spends with her, but that it would be best if done gradually until the idea scenario is reached.

You need, as parents, to be mindful that if her bed times are looser on his weekday overnights, there will be fall out, and he will have to understand that being a more equal partner in childcare is not all about fun stuff, it's a responsibility and no-one would like to see her education suffer as a result. Therefore a gradual introduction to overnights would be best for everyone.

I'd also recommend that these overnights don't even start the trial until say, half term, in case she doesn't settle, suddenly wants her room etc. She is only 6yo.

And what does STBX mean?

Soon-To-Be-Ex

Took me ages to work out STBX lol but I got there in the end!

Have you asked your daughter what she wants? She may only be 6 but surely she should be consulted. I don't think your ex is asking for an unreasonable amount of contact. Your reluctance seems more about how you feel than what's best for your daughter. If this goes through court your ex may take away all the things he currently gives you and still get what he's requesting. He's been a good consistent figure in her life, no court is going to disagree with shared care because you feel 9pm is too late or she should just have one home.

I hope you manage to sort this before any serious damage is done between you and ex. Your daughter will feel more secure because you both get on well

Op you sound very greedy and all ME ME ME.

He has been hands on from day one. Give you far more then is neccesery and even offered you £100k just for the hell of it.

Now you have taken the house off the market because a solicitor thinks he can get you MORE. (Does your ex not need to get a mortgage but cannot because he is still tied to yours?).

If you keep playing stupid games then he will go court get 50/50 then only give you the minimum. (as he is entitled too). Then what would you do.

Soon to be ex husband maybe?

If it was me it would be selfish tight bastard ex husband

Op you are lucky and so is your daughter , how about offering him two nights a week to start with

Being with a loving Dad half of the time will be good for her. What won't be good for her is having the two people she cares about most in the world fighting over when they see her. And that's what will happen if you stick to your guns and go to court. It's expensive, it's stressful and it get's nasty and you have no need to go down that road. Even if you think she isn't aware of what's going on she will pick up on it. Don't do it to her.

I think you maybe need to consider the real reasons behind your resistance to her being with him as much as he's asking.

Kungfo I get that impression too. In which case we may be getting a very biased and manipulated slant on the situation, and all advice is void.

kungfupannda you beat me too it.

Thank you to those that have enlightened me!

Ah so it was a troll?

On the possibly erroneous assumption that the OP is the wife and not the husband, I'd like to ask:

You agreed together to put the house on the market, but "When I went to see my solicitor he advised me to take it off the market, so that's what I have done." Why did your solicitor advise this? Did you discuss taking it off the market with your husband before doing so, or did you act unilaterally? And what is his opinion on the matter?

Is a reverse AIBU a troll? Personally, I don't care and although there would be presumably more to it if posted from the other point of view, ON THE INFORMATION GIVEN, the mother is being VVVU.

Assuming it is true that the father has had the input on raising the child and involvement in her life as the OP says (and provided financially for his child as described - although not strictly relevant to contact, it does show a responsible, caring attitude), then I can't see any good reason why the mother has the right to decide that 'it might not be good for DD' without even discussing or trying it.

I did not discuss it with him before I took it of the market and he, as yet has said nothing to me about it as I refuse to discuss it with him, again I referred him to my solicitor as that is what I was advised.

Ok btsmuumy. Are you infact the ExHusband? If you are be honest and we can advise.

If you are genuine then read everything you have wrote and decide if you think you sound like a reasonable, nice person ho you would like as a friend or partner.

To me you sound vile and the ex is best shot of you.

Why do people think it's the ex husband?

Yabatwat.