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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do people with so many problems still go on to have so many kids?

175 replies

sundayrose10 · 10/07/2011 02:39

Often there is a thread on here regarding severe hardship on relationship, crowded unfit home, NO money, kids playing up...and the op will mention she is pregnant with the 3rd, 4th, 5th and so on.

Having more kids on top of major problems = hell

There may not be a right time to have children but there is definitely a better time. And if there is no better time, accept that you don't have to have more kids and be happy with the ones you have. Life is unfair but it's especially unfair to bring more kids into very complicated set ups.

It's a trend I see even in real life. Madness.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 10/07/2011 08:50

'walk a mile in their shoes first, or help them via surestart or something.'

Or spend a couple of decades dealing with, listening to and supporting children who are totally messed up by many of the adults in their lives, before the children have even reached double figures?
Perhaps I will. Oh, wait...

dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2011 08:57

I think we need better birth control options.

Not everyone can take hormones. Condoms aren't 100%, even sterilization isn't 100%. Virtually all the BC options need to be handled by the woman, who is usually the one also dealing with the stress and running around after existing children.

Yes, some people are irresponsible, but many people are just unlucky. And if you do get pregnant, and termination is not an option, well either you can get excited about the new addition or resent it forever.

It may be unfortunate but I think we should look at the bigger picture rather than judging individuals. Why are their lives so complicated to begin with? Many people are let down by their families, by schools, by a lack of jobs, etc. I don't think blanket assumptions are helpful.

lachesis · 10/07/2011 08:59

I agree with Georgimama, the OP and BoF.

Lady1nTheRadiator · 10/07/2011 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BimboNo5 · 10/07/2011 09:00

I dont think its an issue of contraception as the people in these situations always seem to have conceived accidentally on purpose so to speak..

lachesis · 10/07/2011 09:02

It's an opinion, the OP has expressed an opinion. Posed a question.

People have answered in various ways.

It's a discussion.

Lady1nTheRadiator · 10/07/2011 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lachesis · 10/07/2011 09:03

It's not an issue of contraception, either. We are very lucky here to have easily accessible, plentiful, free contraception. I never realised there were so many accidents until I found MN. Like Georgimama, when life was chaotic I doubled up on contraception, mainly because in some nations there is no welfare and so if you find yourself pregnant it can mean some very serious financial troubles.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 10/07/2011 09:11

Surely if your life is in chaos, the one thing you should make sure you are getting right is contraception?

There is no mention in the OP of benefits, and this shouldn't be a discussion about money.

OP I completely agree with you.

hugeleyoutnumbered · 10/07/2011 09:15

IT HAS ABSOLUTLY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU., You are beingVU

mollschambers · 10/07/2011 09:17

Love the smell of judgement on a Sunday morning....

mollschambers · 10/07/2011 09:17

Oh and YABU.

Goblinchild · 10/07/2011 09:18

It is to do with me though, happy and secure children learn better in school.
They have better social relationships and often grow up to be people I'd like as neighbours. It is to do with what sort of a society and what sort of a future we want for all the children.

dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2011 09:19

Contraception may be free and accessible but it's not 100% effective.

Many women can't take hormonal methods and are basically stuck with just condoms

Isn't it nearly half of pregnancies in the UK are unplanned? Doesn't that indicate some major issues with family planning options and awareness?

tethersend · 10/07/2011 09:20

What exactly is this thread about?

Because it's coming across as an incredibly sanctimonious lament on why poor people insist on breeding, and what can be done about it.

Someone tell me I'm wrong. Please.

lachesis · 10/07/2011 09:21

Get sterlised and use a condom as well if you can't use hormones. Use condoms and Persona and refrain from sex at certain times.

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat · 10/07/2011 09:23

I completely agree with the OP.

It drives me insane when I read "Should we have a fourth baby? We have a small 2 bed flat and very little money" and people post "Of course! You never regret the babies you have, only the ones you don't!"

MrsVidic · 10/07/2011 09:23

What makes me sad is the people who often spout the " walk a mile in their shoes " lines often are lucky enough never to experience the reality of the consequences of these poor choices.
There is no deterrent for people who have had children taken off then have more children. the parents are given so many get out clauses/ chances/ excuses that the children end up never having a chance to break the cycle they are born into.
I know the reality- I have attended funerals of children dying of neglect, parents dying of overdoses. I work with drug and alcohol dependant people and the cycle is rarely broken- usually it's left too late when the child is taken into foster care.

fernier · 10/07/2011 09:23

I came from a two parent two child family with huge problems that no one questioned because in on paper we were the perfect family. I have 4 ( yes pregnant with my 5th) I KNOW we are a basically functioning family and yet people criticise at every turn because of yhe number of children. The number of children is irrelevant it's the parenting.

Goblinchild · 10/07/2011 09:24

I don't think that's what I was trying to say tethers. Confused

mollschambers · 10/07/2011 09:24

tether seems to me that's exactly what it's about.

lachesis · 10/07/2011 09:25

Or, 'My partner is an abusive fuckwit, shall I have a baby with him?'

Sure, it might be your last chance.

dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2011 09:28

lachesis are you for real? women who can't take hormones should just get sterilised?? so if you don't want a baby at 18, and can't take hormones, you should just get your tubes tied? okay sure.

tethersend you are right about this thread. I'm going to hide it now.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 10/07/2011 09:29

tether that isn't what it's about, not from my point of view anyway.

I don't judge people for the number of kids they have, only if they chose to bring more children into an already chaotic situation.

Iggly · 10/07/2011 09:29
Hmm

Some people have accidents.

Some people don't have the emotional maturity to make fully reasoned logical decisions (as if having a child was ever such a decision).

Some people are trying to fill a hole.

There are a million and one reasons why people "keep" having children. God knows, my mum was one of those people that some on this thread would sneer at. I even wonder what she was thinking but know that she has a lot of instability so maybe was desperate to recreate that. Who knows.

However it's so easy to judge unless you're in that persons shoes. Might be worth trying to empathise instead.