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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my teenage dd? Need some honest opinions!

161 replies

mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 12:29

dd turned 15 last week
For her birthday i bought her over £100 worth of summer clothes, she also wanted her hair coloured so we treated her to that which was £75, then we had a family meal out to her fave restaurant.
The following dayshe decided she wanted to go into town to spend some birthday money, she wanted another bikini, a strapless bra and some dvds. I said i was happy for her to get the stuff but not the dvds.
She went nuts banging on the walls and shouting that she should be allowed to spend her own money on whatever she likes. She also wrote on facebook 'thats right mum, take your fave son out to buy him a present, but i cant even spend my own money' Angry

I wanted her to save some money as over the next few weeks she has a trip to barcelona with school, a trip to london with her nana (because i wouldnt take her again having already taken her once this year and taking her again in october), then our family holiday to spain, then a surfing weekend

Yesterday i asked if she would like to go to GBK for lunch as a thank you for her babysitting a few hours last night, however this morning she screamed at her little brother and was so rude i asked her to go to her room, she has spent the whole morning lying in bed then got up at 11.30 and said 'what time are we going to lunch' i told her i wasnt taking her because her attitude towards me and the boys was so terrible and she screamed at me 'god dont you realise i looked after your kids last night'!

I just dont know where to go from here, AIBU and expecting too much, or is she a nasty spoilt brat? She makes me feel like i treat her like shit, but i dont think i do.

OP posts:
probablyveryunreasonable · 07/07/2011 12:32

I would let her spend her money how she wants, but making it clear that you will not be providing spending money for the trips to London or Barcelona.

But I think you were right for the lunch. Yes she babysat, but why would you want to spend a linch time with her when she has behaved like that? I am trying to teach my DS1 - 14 - the same thiung at the moment. I think teenagers can very incredibly selfish and emotionally volatile and sometimes need to realise that in the real worl, if people treat you badly, you do not want to spend time with them.

probablyveryunreasonable · 07/07/2011 12:32

I would let her spend her money how she wants, but making it clear that you will not be providing spending money for the trips to London or Barcelona.

But I think you were right for the lunch. Yes she babysat, but why would you want to spend a linch time with her when she has behaved like that? I am trying to teach my DS1 - 14 - the same thiung at the moment. I think teenagers can very incredibly selfish and emotionally volatile and sometimes need to realise that in the real worl, if people treat you badly, you do not want to spend time with them.

strandedbear · 07/07/2011 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

probablyveryunreasonable · 07/07/2011 12:33

So important, I said it twice!

Cocoflower · 07/07/2011 12:37

What was the issues with the DVD's- were they unsuitable in content, not age appropiate etc?

create · 07/07/2011 12:44

My 10yo can spend his (limited) funds as he chooses, but he knows absolutely that he gets £x per week and that's it. If it's gone it's gone and if that means he goes on cub camp with no spending money then that's how it will be. I'd like to think a 15 yo could understand that she can have what she wants now, but that will mean she has nothing for her trips unless she earns more in the meantime.

You're right about lunch. You acknowledged that she'd helped you out with the initial offer, she blew that with her behaviour.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 12:45

My issues with the dvds were that they were something she could purchase when she had finished her 4 trips at the beginning of september. I did not want her blowing money on crap and then expecting me and dh to stump up more cash on every trip.

probablyveryunreasonable thats my point, she thinks she can bang walls, scream at her brothers and then id still be happy to sit opposite her for a girlie lunch out

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 07/07/2011 12:49

Well I think you are doing the right thing then- teaching her about the value of money and that it is limited. She does sound very hard work.

Maybe you should have just said- "You can buy the dvd's if you like- but what will happen when its your holidays though?" and let her work it out herself so she feels she is in control and like she made the choice.

fanjobanjowanjo · 07/07/2011 12:50

teens being a brat! Did you explain about the money or just say no dvds?

MummyTigger · 07/07/2011 12:51

What probablyveryunreasonable said. Couldn't have put it better myself.

Lucyinthepie · 07/07/2011 12:51

At 15, it's time to start to give her responsibility for how she manages her money. So you probably need to sit her down when the dust has settled, tell her that you won't tell her how to spend her money in the future, but that if it runs out you will not top it up for her. Then stick to it. Can you stick to it and not take pity on her?
You might also mention that if one of your friends screamed at you and insulted you then you wouldn't want to go to lunch with them a couple of hours later, and the same applies to her.
She wants control - give it to her.

MogandMe · 07/07/2011 12:52

I think YABU

I don't see why the back story as to how much money you spent on her for her birthday.

She has money - she wants to spend it on DVDs - Yes she should use it for her holidays but... it's her birthday money and she should be allowed to spend the money as she likes. I would speak to her re holiday costs as she may not have thought through the spending.

I would speak to her re her behaviour towards her brother - did he wind her up/what was the catalyst. Ask her to apologise and once it's dealt with then ask if she can behave over lunch and then go out as promised (in payment for her services!)

Original poster
mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 12:52

Of course i explained, i said that she was welcome to buy the dvds when we'd done all the trips if she had the money left, but that i didnt think she needed to buy them now

OP posts:
jellybeans · 07/07/2011 12:53

Mosschops, YANBU in a way but I guess it is her money and teenagers often blow it and expect you to bail them out. She will learn better by having no money for trips. I know how you feel. My 14 YO is sweetness and light at school and friend's houses and when she wants something but then she blows and says horrible things!!! THEN acts like nothing has happened and we will just ferry her around and let her do things. If DD is very rude i refuse to do anything nice and just do the basics and also remove internet access etc. I always warn her first so she knows what will happen. It is so strange though that they genuinely seem to think nothing has happened and we are still reeling from their hurtful comments!!!

SchrodingersMew · 07/07/2011 12:55

I don't really see the point in giving someone (regardless of age) money as a gift and then telling them they cannot spend it.

Fair enough, she does seem to be being a bit bitchy over it all but where the babysitting is concerned I can understand how she is feeling.

I had an ex when I was younger who was always expected to babysit his brother and got nothing back for it. I don't think that is right, if it was an adult babysitting they would be expecting to be paid or have some sort of reward for it.

After all, no matter her reaction now she did look after your kids.

notso · 07/07/2011 12:59

Does she get pocket money or do you just fork out all the time?
I think she should be allowed to spend her money how she likes but she needs to know when its gone there will be no more.
I do think you were a bit U about the lunch, as it was a treat for babysitting. Even though she was rude she still did the babysitting, so the punishment for being rude should be separate from rewarding good behaviour.
Perhaps you would be better off rewarding her financially for babysitting etc but save the money for trips etc.

create · 07/07/2011 13:01

I disagree SchrodingersMew. She looked after her brother, it's part of being a family and perfectly reasonable provided she'e not being treated as an unpaid nanny.

I expect the OP has done plenty of shopping/cooking/ironing for her daughter without expecting any reward

TeddyBare · 07/07/2011 13:03

I think YABabitU about the birthday money. At 15 she needs to learn to budget for herself. I would just let her spend the money on what ever she likes (so long as it's age appropriate etc) but make it very clear that she will not be getting any more money for her holidays.
I think YABU about the baby sitting though. I'd be pretty annoyed if I had to babysit someone else's children without getting paid in some form.

mumeeee · 07/07/2011 13:07

YABU about the DVD's it's her monry and she should ne allowed to spend it how she wants to,but talk to her about the trips,and tell her once her money runs out there issn't any more,

Sewmuchtodo · 07/07/2011 13:08

I think YABU im afraid.

Firstly her reaction is not on but she is not being treated fairly to begin with. People have given her money for her birthday to buy a treat.....since when was a strapless bra a treat? I buy my children any underwear they need. Surely the money for the bra could have been spent ona dvd or 2? You seem happy for her to spend it on practical things.

Does your dd get pocket money or paid to babysit her siblings? As if her birthday money is her sole spending money for trips how would that work if her birthday was in November or February for instance?

Pinkjenny · 07/07/2011 13:09

I tend to agree with Sewmuchtodo.

YABU

SchrodingersMew · 07/07/2011 13:12

Create But her Mother does those things because they are her responsibility as her parent. Babysitting her siblings are not her responsibility.

Amaretti · 07/07/2011 13:14

Does she have a regular allowance and budget from that herself? I think that she should at this age. If you are in the habit of giving her endless top ups then I think you should stop that. When she runs out of money she'll learn. And that's the only way she will!

MogandMe · 07/07/2011 13:19

Just wondering where her holiday spends were going to come from had she not had money for her birthday.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 07/07/2011 13:20

How much responsiblity does your dd have for money in general ?

At 13 I had my portion of Child benefit to buy my own clothes and treats from (excluding school uniform). If I wanted smellies etc they came put of it too.

Your DD seems to have very little understanding which at 15 not great... Telling her she can buy them after all the trips is not helping her learn how to manage money, you are still in control. Yes it will be messy (proabably) yes she may end up missing out on something but she does need to learn.

Finnacial management is a critically important life skill, DD is 5 nearly 6 and this week we have started pocket money as a result of (a small) chore (done every day). On sunday she will have earnt it and can spend it exactly as she pleases...

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