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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my teenage dd? Need some honest opinions!

161 replies

mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 12:29

dd turned 15 last week
For her birthday i bought her over £100 worth of summer clothes, she also wanted her hair coloured so we treated her to that which was £75, then we had a family meal out to her fave restaurant.
The following dayshe decided she wanted to go into town to spend some birthday money, she wanted another bikini, a strapless bra and some dvds. I said i was happy for her to get the stuff but not the dvds.
She went nuts banging on the walls and shouting that she should be allowed to spend her own money on whatever she likes. She also wrote on facebook 'thats right mum, take your fave son out to buy him a present, but i cant even spend my own money' Angry

I wanted her to save some money as over the next few weeks she has a trip to barcelona with school, a trip to london with her nana (because i wouldnt take her again having already taken her once this year and taking her again in october), then our family holiday to spain, then a surfing weekend

Yesterday i asked if she would like to go to GBK for lunch as a thank you for her babysitting a few hours last night, however this morning she screamed at her little brother and was so rude i asked her to go to her room, she has spent the whole morning lying in bed then got up at 11.30 and said 'what time are we going to lunch' i told her i wasnt taking her because her attitude towards me and the boys was so terrible and she screamed at me 'god dont you realise i looked after your kids last night'!

I just dont know where to go from here, AIBU and expecting too much, or is she a nasty spoilt brat? She makes me feel like i treat her like shit, but i dont think i do.

OP posts:
ragged · 07/07/2011 13:20

Well you could argue that babysitting is her contribution to the household & the family; we all live in a household together, we should all do bits and pieces to make if function nicely. The OP's DD isn't merely a lodger.

My gut feeling:
Briefly advise her re the consequences, but otherwise bite lips & let her spend her money as she wishes.
Work out a clearer understanding of what babysitting means in future. Either it means compensation (money or lunch or whatever) or it doesn't. Mind, If it does mean payment/lunch, that can have delayed delivery when she is being rude & horrid.

TheLadyEvenstar · 07/07/2011 13:22

Let me get this right

She has birthday money which is for her to spend on what she wants/needs.
There are 4 trips coming up which she will need money for.

You want her to spend her birthday present money on the trips instead of what she wants.

So are the trips part of her birthday present? if so I can understand her being made to spend her money on them if not then I can't.

MorticiaAddams · 07/07/2011 13:23

I'm with sewmuchtodo and think YABU.

She needs to learn to budget so just tell her that if she buys the dvds then she won't have any spending money for the other trips and stick to it.

TotemPole · 07/07/2011 13:23

Have you discussed how she should save for spending money for her trips. Does she get something each month to put aside? Are you putting something aside for her?

she has spent the whole morning lying in bed then got up at 11.30

That's because you sent her to her room.

KatieWatie · 07/07/2011 13:25

At 15 she should know how to download films for free :o

In all seriousness I would let her spend her cash how she likes but tell her she's getting nothing else unless she earns it, and to think how she'll feel when she's in Barcelona with no money and all her mates have got some.

You were right about the lunch - you offered and then she treated you/the boys like crap and shouldn't expect to be taken out. I suppose it depends whether she normally would get paid/treated for babysitting and if it's an unwritten rule that she would, in which case she should get something I suppose.

Ephiny · 07/07/2011 13:26

I think it's odd to try to restrict what she can spend her own money on - unless obviously it's something illegal or completely inappropriate! I understand your point about not wanting her to blow all her money now then not have any for the trips later. But surely that in itself is an important lesson for her to learn?

Btw I think £175 worth of presents, plus a meal out and some unspecified amount of 'birthday money' is an incredibly generous present for a 15 year old! And all those holidays! Shock. Maybe it's normal these days, but at that age I would have got a card with £10 in, and a slice of home-made birthday cake after tea :)

Tolalola · 07/07/2011 13:27

"But her Mother does those things because they are her responsibility as her parent. Babysitting her siblings are not her responsibility."

I don't agree with that Schrodinger. I think all members of the family have a responsibility to the family unit as a whole. Even small children are expected to help tidy up, throw away their rubbish etc to keep the house in reasonable order. It's not on to treat them as unpaid servants, obviously, but family responsibility would definitely include the odd bit of babysitting or helping with other general household jobs.

After all, I bet the mother also does things that are not strictly her responsibility e.g. having her daughter's friends over for meals etc.

In the end all families are different though, and it's up to each family to work out what's acceptable for them.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 13:29

Ooh id love to know how many of you have teenage daughters, you make it sound so reasonable.
She knows that if she blew every penny before she goes abroad with the school that i would have to give her money, its all very well saying 'tell her when its gone theres no more' would you really send your chikd to spain with no extra money?
Also there is no way i woud have taken her for a meal today after tjis mornings outburst, i just couldnt sit and spoil her with a nice lunch.

OP posts:
TotemPole · 07/07/2011 13:29

From the OP, these 4 trips are happening in the next 2 months. If the OP wanted her DD to save for spending money, this should have been discussed before now so she knew what the situation was. The fact that she wanted to buy the bra,bikini and DVDs suggests that she wasn't expecting to use the birthday money for the trips.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 13:32

Yes talolao i do expect everyone to do a bit of something round the house, for dd that means emptying the dishwasher and the odd half hour here and there watching ds2 (18months) like i said last night was a rare event, she is never expected to have ds1 and ds2 whilst we go out, so shes not like an unpaid nanny. Even ds2 is expected to tidy his toys and put any rubbish in the bin.

OP posts:
Pinkjenny · 07/07/2011 13:33

I'm just not sure it's fair to expect her to use her birthday money as spending money for holidays. But you are right, my dc are not teens, so it's very easy for me to say YABU.

You did ask, though.

Cocoflower · 07/07/2011 13:34

moss I think essentially you did the right thing.

Teaching her the value of money and how to budget & plan for the future is essential.

Also if you had taken her for lunch you would be teaching her that bad behaviour gets rewarded and it would be passing a bad message to her brother too.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 13:34

totem she kbew she had to take her own money to barcelona, she wont be expected to pay for anything on the 3 family trips unless she wants a ridiculous airbed as is usual, but its nice to have a bit of pending money because she normally buys pressies for friends

OP posts:
MogandMe · 07/07/2011 13:34

Mosschops But the question is if she didn't get birthday money and had been given presents instead - where would she have got her spending money from?

HeadfirstForHalos · 07/07/2011 13:35

Yanbu about the lunch , but yabu about her birthday money. Birthday money is for fun!

If you expected her to save for her own trip money maybe she could have saved her allowance or done extra chores to earn more but using birthday money is a bit tight.

RoseC · 07/07/2011 13:36

OP, does your DD have any savings? An important lesson for her will be to spend the money now and then have to use her savings on holiday rather than relying on Mum and Dad. My parents never gave me holiday spending money at your DD's age - I was expected to save wages & birthday/pocket money.

Perhaps sit down with her and work out how much money she will need on every day of her holidays - and then ask her where she is getting it. It might make the holiday spending more 'real' to her, IYSWIM. At the moment it's just something in the future.

VelveteenRabbit · 07/07/2011 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 13:37

Ffs pinkjenny are you serious? Do you know how much i have to fork out during the year for this, that and the other, i dont think its unreasonable to ask her to use birthday money to spend on stuff on holiday, im not an endless pit of money.
Maybe next year i'll just ban all trips and then she can spend what she likes and so can i

OP posts:
Tolalola · 07/07/2011 13:37

oops x post with loads Grin

Glitterandglue · 07/07/2011 13:37

OP, sending her to Spain with no extra money because she chose to spent it at all is just natural consequences. It makes perfect sense and it would be a hard lesson for her to learn but she'd damn well learn it. Be a lot cheaper for you in the long run too. If she never learns to budget herself because you're always doing it for her, by dictating what she can and can't spend and when, are you still going to be paying her rent for her at 30-odd because she spent all her wages on having fun when she first got them and now can't pay for necessities?

My parents would occasionally let me 'borrow ahead' a week of pocket money if I had already spent it and I wanted something in particular which I wouldn't have a chance to get the next week (like something from a day out where we wouldn't be going back). Other than that, if I'd spent it it was gone. From about fourteen onwards I've always had at least a few hundred in savings so when I did want something I could get it there and then and not worry about having to save for it as I'd already put in the work there. (Of course, how much anyone can save depends on how much they get in the first place, but the principle's there.)

Original poster
mosschops30 · 07/07/2011 13:38

mog she has a paper round so has been saving bits of that (inbetween spending it going to town with friends most weekends)

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/07/2011 13:38

Couldn't you both have had a snack at home? The lunch money would have paid for a dvd.

She does sound as though she gets a lot - if I were you I'd give her an allowance and encourage her to save a proportion. You need to clearly state what you'll buy outside of that allowance and stick to it.

TotemPole · 07/07/2011 13:39

She knows that if she blew every penny before she goes abroad with the school that i would have to give her money, its all very well saying 'tell her when its gone theres no more' would you really send your chikd to spain with no extra money?

So much put aside for Barcelona, London, Spain and surfing weekend.

What contribution from you and what from her savings from allowance should have been decided. If she wasn't putting the money aside for the earlier trips then don't book the later ones.

Then her birthday money (which should have been less the amount you expected to keep for trips), to spend how she pleases.

TotemPole · 07/07/2011 13:42

mosschops, sorry cross posted, a lot of these weren't here.

Is the birthday money from you or other family members?

MogandMe · 07/07/2011 13:44

she has a paper round so has been saving bits of that

So in essence - she can spend her birthday money as she likes and use whatever is left of her savings for her holiday. If she has no money or not alot then you can explain that she was saving money and thats what happens when you dip into it.

The holiday savings and the birthday money are two different things IMO.